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TrashCan

Worst Acting, AKA Mega Meta Recap Part the Nearly Last

The people you are about to see are GUILTY. You, the audience, have borne witness to a multitude of crimes: over-acting, under-acting, mushy-mouthed dialogue, appallingly fake accents, and aggravated scenery chewing. Now you must decide which of these people is the most egregious offender. Which of these people is most deserving of the 3rd Mega Meta Award for Worst Acting?

2002 William Shatner in Incubus
2003 Catherine Walsh in Biohazard: The Alien Force
2004 Anna Nicole Smith in Skyscraper
2005 Jeff Hutchinson in Roller Blade
2006 Robert Z'dar in Guns of El Chupacabra



2002 William Shatner
Incubus (1965)

William Shatner plays Marc, a young soldier with a pure soul. He has been targeted for corruption by a female demon (a Succubus). Her plan is simple: the Succubus will seduce him, then kill him. Unfortunately for them, the love from Marc's pure soul very nearly un-demonifies the Succubus. Her boss, the Incubus, shows up and saves the day for evil by attacking Mark's sister with Marc nearby. This gets Marc all whipped up into a frothy wrath, at which point he damns himself by killing the Incubus.

I think.

It's tough to tell. The whole thing is in Esperanto.

Anyway, in this scene our 'hero' Marc has just discovered that his new girlfriend is a demon. This sends him staggering around in a graveyard, in a haze, in a daze, spouting off dialogue in a typically Shatnerian fashion.

I wandered, lonely, as a clod.
That acts all high on booze or pills,
When all at once I saw a goat,
In black and white, with sub-ti-tills
I spoke a language I don't know.
Stutter and pause in Esperanto.





2003 Catherine Walsh

Biohazard: The Alien Force (1995)

An evil biotech company decides to create a monster capable of surviving a nuclear war. After successfully creating the monster, corporate HQ decides to kill all the tissue donors.

Evil biotech companies don't exactly have the greatest retirement plans.

Corporate HQ also decides to breed the monster to a human female to create an entire race of monsters.

Evil biotech companies don't exactly have the greatest maternity plans either.

Fortunately for us, Catherine Walsh is not the person selected as the brood mother. She's the scientist who has to explain the stupid plan to the thugs that HQ hired.

She does so with an attitude of bitchy aplomb, aided by her harsh makeup and abetted by her snapping white teeth.




2004 Anna Nicole Smith
Skyscraper (1997)

How can an ex-Playboy Playmate make ends meet while the estate of her late multi-millionare husband languishes in court? By making cheesy chesty exploitation movies, of course!

The premise is simple: Anna Nicole Smith is a corporate helicopter pilot who discovers that one of the buildings she is making a delivery to has been taken hostage by terrorists.

In this scene, Anna is having an argument with her husband, a tough Los Angeles cop. She wants to have kids. He does not. She really wants kids. He has seen too much of the crime and filth of the streets and doesn't want to bring children into a world like this. But she really waaaants to have kids. He thinks her outlook on life is too optimistic. She sums up her argument by delivering the following line, then phlumphing herself down onto the couch in a snit:

“Well essguze me for still bleevin’ in Sunday walks in the park and liddl’ bay-bees!”


Thank you Anna. Thank you for still bleevin'.




2005 Jeff Hutchinson
Roller Blade (1985)

It is a post-apocalyptic future world, ruled by mutants, gangs and monsters. Only the rollerskating nuns of the Holy Order of Roller Blade stand between civilization and anarchy. Aiding them in their quest is the noble Sheriff, played by Jeff Hutchinson.

You can tell he's noble. He wears a cowboy hat. But with his wife dead, and all of his time spent helping the nuns, who will teach his young son how to skate in a world where the only law is "Skate or Die!"?

Answer: he will. By giving him a pep talk, and by delivering it in a style so wooden that everyone who hears it will be picking splinters out of their ears for the next few hours. It helps that his dialogue is liberally sprinkled with the words "Thee" "Thou" and "Thine". It's tough to be a single-parent roller-skating cowboy cop when your dialogue coach studied under Prince Valiant.




2006 Robert Z'dar
Guns of El Chupacabra (1997)

Lord Invader (Robert Z'dar) has come to Earth to retrieve the Chupacabra as a weapon for his dream of galactic conquest. Or both he and the Chupacabra are on Earth preying on humanity. Or he's been on Earth and his pet Chupacabra has been sent to him, but somehow escaped.

Boy, it's hard to summarize the plot of a film when the film itself keeps presenting contradictary plotlines.

At any rate, Lord Invader is unhappy. At this point in the film the Chupacabra is his pet. It got hungry on the long trip to Earth, has escaped, and has started eating people. Lord Invader is haranguing his minions, telling them to go find his little pet before people start noticing all the half-eaten dead guys and start asking too many questions.

Harangue - (huh-rang) Verb. To lecture someone at length in an aggressive and critical manner. Originated in late Middle English, from medieval Latin harenga. Perhaps of Germanic origin, the spelling was later altered to conform with French harangue at around the time of the Norman Conquest. Go out and use it in conversation today!

Lord Invader harangues for what feels like an eternity. His minions kind of shuffle their feet and look awkward. He harangues until he is red and sweaty. None of them have any lines, so they can't tell him that they're doing the best job they can, under the circumstances. Eventually, Lord Invader gets fed up, and tells them to "Get out of my face!"

Exeunt omnes, persued by shame.
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Comments

I have to vote for Anna. I remember that, and I remember the horrible, tingly feeling that I got in the pit of my soul when that clip was shown. I mean, she's a helicopter pilot?!?! ...the hell? And then she spoke and it was...bad.

Also, my husband and I do not want kids of our own and we both winced when the character kept insisting on breeding. That woman is so horrible that she makes flowers wilt. Having said that, I did catch a few episodes of her (now defunct) show that featured her (alleged) baby daddy/lawyer.

Patti :)