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Animated Ninja Technique

I Came to the U-Con Mini Smithees and all I got was this Lousy Update

Hello fellow Smithee fans! Just wanted to give a big shout out to those 30 or so of you who helped hone the Ann Arbor ballot. You Extra Hard Core Smithee fans wrock because the primaries (as we like to call them) are a rough thing to soldier through. There can be (and usually are) more than 5 clips to watch per category as the Mini-Smithees are all the clips from all the movies The Guru and the Earl/Iron Chef Smithee have watched over the year leading up to the U-Con show. That means y'all have to sit through some good clips, some bad clips and some clips that haven't been edited down to the razor keen timing seen in the big shows. To you brave 30, bravo!


First a little administrative jibber jabber to help explain why we run the Mini Smithees. The big shows are assembled by the movie watching efforts of the four Supreme Smithee Committee (SSC) members: Fearless Leader, The Sultan, The Guru and The Earl (or Iron Chef Smithee, depending on when you catch him). They, with help of others, watch movies all year round and clip clips for the various categories (at least one clip per category if possible). Then in the spring when it comes time to assemble the big show, they exchange clips and decide what to put in the show.

A couple of years ago, The Guru and the Earl decided to open up their clip selection to a test audience and thus; the Mini-Smithees (or Smithee Primaries) were born. It's always interesting to see what an audience member, who hasn't seen the movie, reacts to. Sometimes it doesn't matter that the clip is out of context, other times the clip bombs like a thing that gets really bombed. These things can't be predicted so we (the A2 SSC members and movie watching companions) rely on the test audience to give us a feel for how the clips play to people who haven't seen the movies they are from.

The data collected from Saturday will help the Guru and the Earl decide which clips to nominate for the big show, but as always, the Smithee show is a malleable thing. It could be that a movie gets bumped to the next year (for whatever reason) or it could be that another SSC member has absolutely brilliant clips that blow some of these out of the water. Not all the winning clips from the Primaries are guaranteed to show up in the big show but because of your input, some of them certainly will.

I've only included the top three pics as three seems to be the golden number of mini clippage. Also, everyone was told to vote for two movies per category, thus the number weirdness. Onto the results!

MOST LUDICROUS PREMISE
(11) Catman in Lethal Track - Laser eye beams, the ability to control electronics, super strength, all the powers of a cat!
(7) Ankle Biters - Dwarf vampires need the sword of the tall people vampires in order to dominate the world.
(6) Max Hell, Frog Warrior - Heroes need Trixie T's serum to either inoculate people against the frog virus or to cure the people already turned into frogs. Or both. Whatever.


OBLIVIOUS
(18) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - Ninja doesn't see that he's being stalked by a tree.
(16) Curse of the Alpha Stone - Students steel, copy, distribute and return notes while Prof is at blackboard.
(8) Spiders - Marines unloading corpses fail to see kids hiding under them.


WANNA RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN?
(16) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - The discussion of the pig incident at breakfast.
(14) Zarkorr! the Invader - "[Zarkorr] is not scientifically known to exist."/ "Couldn't it be something unknown to science?"
(11) Robots vs Aztec Mummy - This film is true! ...except those parts which are fiction.


LET'S UP THE RATING TO 'R'
(19) Rock&Roll Cops 2:The Adventure Begins - Random topless kickboxer chick
(10) The Girl & the Geek - Dancing girls continue to nudly put on makeup after learning one of their own has been kidnapped.
(8) To The Limit - Everyone's heard of Colette's baths.


ALAS, POOR YORICK
(18) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - Falling pig kills random pedestrian.
(18) Dinocroc - Daddy, there's a dinosaur in the water/That's nice boy/ *chomp*
(4) The Yin and theYang of Mr Go - Death by acupuncture


DEUS EX MACHINA
(21) Zarkorr! the Invader - Conspiracy nut cop believes Tommy is chosen by aliens.
(12) Lake of Dracula - Dead character returns to trip up Dracula who falls onto splintered banister.
(10) Lake of Dracula - Why not to hold up a wrench during a lightning storm


STUPIDEST-LOOKING MONSTER
(22) Godmonster of Indian Flats - Mutant mansized shuffly sheep.
(12) Matango - Mutant mushroom people.
(11) Max Hell, Frog Warrior - Cycle Toad.


WORST SCIENCE
(19) Legend of the Dinos - Dinosaurs cause the earthquakes.
(11) Abraxas - Ozone layering to point oh 2.
(8) Spiders - The experiments need to be performed in Zero-G because that's close to the alien's atmosphere.


BEST ONE-LINER
(22) Max Hell, Frog Warrior - How much is my mom paying you?
(11) Catman in Lethal Track - What if he's not breathing?/Then we don't ask him.
(5) Deep Red - Next time, buckle up.


WORST COVER
(19) Lake of Dracula - Choose your own adventure cover description.
(13) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - No black ninjas, Quan Chi with knives, guns, women in bikinis, or barbarians appeared in this movie as the cover would lead you to believe.
(6) Catman in Lethal Track - Big drawing on front, back is full of missing commas, misspellings ("muderous") etc


CUTTING BUTTER WITH A CHAINSAW
(19) Intent to Kill - Shoot the bad guy on the roof, over the roof, falling from the roof and on the ground.
(12) Deep Red - Molotov cocktail station wagon of doom.
(11) To The Limit - Shoot the van, van explodes, guy in back walks around on fire.


INANE DIALOGUE
(20) Matango - It's been raining for a week/Must be the rainy season.
(10) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - "It's not an accident ... pigs never just fall off of buildings."
(9) Matango - Watch your step, this is a cliff/Hey look, a ship!


WHOOPS!
(17) Matango - Psychic bullets that strike before they are fired.
(15) Spiders - Canada; that boot shaped country of the Mediterranean.
(8) Godmonster of Indian Flats - Poorly done Day for Night shooting.


WHAT?!
(27) Rock&Roll Cops 2:TAB - The bible according to the working woman of Babylon.
(19) To The Limit - Colette drives a police cruiser through a helicopter.
(6) Robots vs Aztec Mummy - Aztec Mummy kept at bay by a cross.


ACTING APPROPRIATELY STUPID
(17) Robot vs Aztec Mummy - Let's split up in the graveyard and look for the mummy.
(17) Spiders - Ack! The spider's in here. Let's keep going.
(11) Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things! - I'll show you how to taunt Satan!


WORST SPECIAL EFFECT
(21) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - Amazing Ninja drag dummy; cousin to the Ninjas in the grass but not as sneaky.
(10) Vampire Raiders Ninja Queen - Goofy Quan Chi loses goofy head.
(6) Abraxas - Secundus fails the life equation and gets some "fancy" superimposed stripy energy lines and a sub par superimposed explosion.


CRUMMIEST ENDING
(12) Godmonster of Indian Flats - See the monster, I pwnd the sherif, monster blows up in riot and the sheep eat its fumes. Or something.
(11) Iguana - Who's that yonder with newborn babe?/Wade in the water
(10) Catman in Lethal Track - Catman kills the big bad by flinging a hereto unexplained detachable mask shurikin like thing into the big bad's chest. "Beware of that fucker!"


WORST ACTING
(25) Max Hell, Frog Warrior: (Joe Estevez) - Alllllright. It's time to send out the ninjas.
(25) To The Limit: (Anna Nicole Smith) - She emotes like she types: Class A hunt and peck.
(3) Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell: (K Alan Hodder) - The stiffest eloquence you'll find either side of the apocalypse.


WORST PICTURE
(18) Catman in Lethal Track - Cheever priest preaches the anti-gospels, Catman attacks, but is overcome
(16) Max Hell, Frog Warrior - My kind of frog.
(8) The Yin and the Yang of Mr Go - When Buddha winks his eye, eye, eye!

Comments

OMG! "Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things!" I completely forgot about that movie! Sweeeeet! How many months til the Smithees in A2??? :)
You're in luck! You can satisfy your Smithee cravings in less than a month! The MegaMeta3 Show will be this December 16th at 7pm in 1800 Chem.

The 2007 show will very most likely and quite tentatively be April 21st, if things go according to the same pattern as they have been. Don't take my word on that yet though, we'll have firmer dates by Februaryish.

The Origins show will be two shows this year: MM3 and Regularly Scheduled Smithee Show. The dates are Friday, July 6th and Saturday July 7th but we're still waffling on which show will show when.

So! Much! Smitheeage!
Yes oh yes! It's on Ye Olde Calendar. In fact, we had Spam-a-Lot tickets for the same night, and are now looking to sell them so we can come to the MegaMeta 3 Show.

If you ever need any help with set up or other folks to bring food, please let me know; I'm one of those who can't just go to something--I have to "give back" (as cheesy as that sounds). Annoys the crap out of my husband sometimes :)

Happy Smithee-tastic Thanksgiving!
Patti :)
if Children...Things! does make the show, it will be in 2007, as mentioned below

If they remake the movie, like they've been talking about, all bets are off for the remake....