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quixotic & grimly whimsical

3 Smithee Movies That Weren't

Sometimes people ask about movies that we watch which are not Smitheeable. As it turns out, we have three on the plate which I thought I'd do a quick write-up of.

BMX Bandits we watched for tomster0's birthday movie at the beginning of November. It was eventually called on account of Comedy but we had to watch about half of it before we were absolutely sure. As someone quipped, "It's like The Apple Dumpling Gang on bikes" which would have been awesome if the slapstick and Tom Foolery had started immediately. But no. Our villains were pretty competent doing their villain thing while the second story line of kids riding their BMX bikes around town because they didn't have a dedicated park was doing its Kids riding their BMX B…you know what? KRTBMXBATBTDHADP there. Anyway, both stories seemed more action/adventure or drama until our villains meet our heroes. More than half way into the film. Which we had already invested that much time in watching. Arrrgh!

Also, Nicole Kidman does a decent job acting for one of her first times out but her hair? Arrrgh!

Movie 2 was Red Surf which we watched for the Russians because it was as close to something Russian as we could come up with. I mean…Red Surf! It ought to have some communists or algae bloom in it right? Or even surf? Maybe? No. What it did have is George Clooney's character being an absolute prick to the point that we didn't care much what happened to him and he was the main character. It also had Michelle Pfeiffer's baby sister DeDee as the leading lady, which we were excited about because siblings to famous actors are usually a herald for Worst Acting clips. Sadly, DeDee can act. Basically, George runs drugs, DeDee gets preggers, George swears he's going to just do 'This one last deal' and then go straight.

Even sadder than the fact that we hated George Clooney's character (who couldn't even surf so we were robbed 3 times) was that this movie wasn't bad enough for Smithee purposes. It's not great but really? It's solidly mediocre. Le sigh. I so wanted to nominate the "Flunky gets thrown through a trap door to the pit of wolves below" as an ALAS. Literally - Thrown to the Wolves!! The part where Gene Simmons goes all Vietnam vet medieval on the drug lord is grand too.

Moon of the Wolf rounds out our triumvirate of misses this post. It's your standard werewolf terrorizing a small town movie and if you are an astute movie watcher (or crime story follower) it's pretty obvious who the werewolf is long about the end of the first third of the movie. On the other hand, if you are a werewolf (SPOILER!!) malaria is an awesome sickness to use for covering up your condition. Sadly and yet again, Moon of the Wolf stradled that line of Smithee or not to Smithee. It had several good 1 liners, but 1 liners do not a Smithee movie make. It might have a really weak science, possibly, but overall it had nothing. Well, except a werewolf and a fun sheriff who was willing to believe that the town was dealing with something abnormal. Of course if that something has come into your jail and ripped the door off the wall, you pretty much need to think outside of the box or become a wolf snack.

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To add another to this category, Zombie Strippers was too comical to be a Smithee movie, but that didn't stop it from being somewhat entertaining (and not just because it starred Jenna Jameson in her crossover acting debut!). It also featured Robert Englund of Freddy Kruger fame. My favorite part of the movie was the three separate times that the marine spec ops team was fighting zombies, and each time, the busty female marine gets her shirt ripped off by a zombie, so that the rest of the scene she'd be running around in a skimpy tank top. What made it even more funny is that in the strip club part of the movie (about 90% of it), there was tons of actual nudity, so the need for the gratuitous cleavage shots of the lady marine really weren't necessary.