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Movies We're Watchin'

A Review of "Nature Unleashed: Fire"

Your friendly Neighborhood Promotions Ninja and the Guru were hosting an impromptu get together with the Guru's oldest, bestest, dearest friend ever in the history of ever and of course we thought we might tuck into a Smithee movie. Oldest, Bestest, Dearest, Friend Ever in the history of Ever (here on forward known as Rob) isn't so much a bad movie fan per se but when you impromptu over at the Guru and YFNPN's house you have a good chance of partaking in a Smithee movie. To be fair, we let Rob pick out the movie since we have a billionty of them in our "to be watched" queue and Rob thought Dirt Bikes in a Mine Shaft had the most ludicrous premise of the lot.

It would have too, save the movie was more "Dirt bikes, fire, broken dirt bikes, hiking with bone fractures and then hiding in a methane filled mine shaft" so we did not get to see any super over the top Mario-esque dirt biking in the mine. What a pity really because that would have spiced the movie up considerably without adding any more ridiculousness than was already present.

The movie is about 4 stupid dirt biking kids, who I will call Eenie, Meenie, Miney and Moe because I can and because that's more character than the actors cared to give them, a fire bug, and a Minnesota forest ranger who is air lifted in to help E,M,M and M. Firebug is a mysterious person from Ranger Rick's past but all we see of him for most of the movie is a pair of combat boots, camo pants and a gasoline can. We don't really care about Firebug or Ranger Rick's past so when the reveal happens all Jason Voorhees style our reaction was, "Eh, whatever." Firebug also sets the lamest CGI forest fires to herd the dirt biking kids and Ranger Rick to the abandoned mine since that's where the Thing in the Past took place so we kinda hate him for that.

As for the dirt biking kids, Eenie is a douchecanoe and argues with Ranger Rick at every single opportunity when Ranger Rick is dropped in to save their sorry butts. Eenie also goads Meenie to take a jump Meenie isn't advanced enough to do yet and of course Meenie falls and breaks a leg. We cheered when Ranger Rick pulled out some Kung-Fu action on Eenie's butt but then we were saddened that Eenie wasn't killed, maimed, or phased by the ass handing. On the bright side, I think Ranger Rick took Eenie down twice so we got to see a double dose of douchecanoe drubbing. In the course of the movie I think all the dirt biking kids got some sort of fracture but kept on going save Eenie, who got his comeuppance in a most spectacular fire laden Alas.

One thing we learned from this movie, other than Minnesota forests are made of asbestos and don't burn when set on CGI fire, was that you don't mess with Minnesota Rangers. This guy was like the love child of Chuck Norris and MacGyver; one minute he's kicking the tar outta the bad guy, the next he's using forest tubers to fix a busted dirt bike*. In fact, you might not want to mess with Minnesota dirt biking kids either because for all their injuries they were hopping around lickity quick. They make them robust in the North country. Truth in fact: You can drop a guy down an exploding mine shaft (twice), chainsaw him, hatchet him, Chuck Norris him into a tree, car and the ground and he will still keep coming (until the lame CGI fire infused stupid ending).

If you take nothing else from this movie, remember this: Don't mess with Minnesota.

*Not really, it was a marsh reed**

**OK, it wasn't a marsh reed but he was very clever in that "use what you have" MacGyver way.

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