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Movies We're Watchin'

30,000 Leagues Under the Sea

To kick off the mumblemumble*cough*mumble Smithee season, we watched 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Was it 10,000 leagues better than the original Verne tale?

No.



In this high adventures on the seas, Lorenzo Lamas is a "Naval" Lieutenant experimental engineer who is working on an oxygen bubble vehicle (sorta) for deep sea diving. The experiment is just in the testing phase when oh look! One of our submarines is missing tonight. Apparently it tangled with something in the deepest, darkest, badly CGId, uncharted depth of the Marianas trench. A rescue mission is under way and the Navy thinks this is the perfect time to put the "bubble" through its paces. They assign the bubble designer (Lieutenant Lorenzo's ex-wife) to head the rescue team.

Before you ask, there are no Russian water tentacles or even alien water pseudo pods although there are poorly rendered mechanical squid. It's a sad substitute but what are you going to do?

The bubble team heads out under the command of Lieutenant Commander Ex-wife (uh-oh) and winds up in the same predicament as the missing submarine. Almost. Apparently the shoal of rendered mechanical squid belong to Captain Nemo, who likes to pull down boats for ships and giggles. He lets the bubble team live because he needs the bubble technology. Why? To re-aeriate the lost continent of Mu and bring about the blah blah crazysauce.

Does it matter? Not really. Nemo's bug nuts, most of the bubble team is either brainwashed or killed off, while Lieutenant Lorenzo and Lt. Commander Ex-wife escape and find the missing sub (which is still full of missing crew members not so much the worse for wear). They then proceed to blow up the Nautilus by shooting it with the bubble 'vehicle' so that the nuclear warheads stolen from the sub go off in a chain reaction. Because you all know that submarine nuclear warheads become unstable and explode in air right? That's why they are on submarines and not battleships since battleships travel on the water and...

You know what? This movie was so full of scientific fail that I'm not even going to waste any more time on it.

-YFNPN

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