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Smithee Saracen

On the Seventh Day of Smitheemas, My Bad Film Gave to Me

Good day! I have decided to start up a charity organization for renaming movies to something closer to the actual plot. Let's take a look at Ali Baba and the Seven Saracens for our first case.


Omar is the leader of the "We're kinda dicks" tribe and would like to be king of the seven other tribes as well, but the magi say "Not so fast." Apparently being king is decided by hosting a tourney in which warriors from all the tribes participate in a bracketed fight to the death. The last one standing is declared king. There is, of course, an eclipse and other mystic mumbo-jumbo because they are magi but whatever. Warriors, FIGHT!

Ali Baba is part of the "We'd rather not be subjugated, thankyouallthesame" tribe and is out in the hills being a pain in the kiester to Omar and his troops. Things are going swimmingly for Ali Baba and gang until Omar ambushes the party. Ali Baba escapes and heads for the hills. The other hills that his tribe is not hiding out in I guess.

Fatima is the princess of the "We help those in need" tribe and is out for a fun jaunt escaping her bodyguards when she runs into the wounded Ali Baba. She takes him to a handy nearby cave system and nurses him back to health. Things are going swimmingly until Fatima discovers Ali Baba's "I am Ali Baba" necklace, at which time she realizes she's in big trouble. Omar, who is right pissed that Ali Baba escaped, has issued a decree that Ali Baba is persona non grata and anyone aiding him will be put to death.

The other five tribes do not matter at all, save that representative warriors from each show up, bang some polearms onto the floor of Omar's audience chamber and declare their awesomeness. Later on they all die anonymously in the big tourney.

Fatima returns to the cave system with weapons and provisions for Ali Baba to "Get on his way" because she can not help him any longer. They have a fight, she professes her love, he asks her name. Two minutes later they are both captured by Omar's people and brought back to the palace in chains. Omar wants to kill Ali Baba right then and there but he also needs a warrior from Ali Baba's tribe to fight in the "Make Omar King" tourney. Oh decisions, decisions.

Omar's right hand man reminds him that it is against the rules to kill Ali Baba once the tourney has started (which...I guess it has now that there are 8 fighters from the 8 tribes). This makes Omar less happy but he can live with Ali Baba dying slowly at his hands in the tourney.

Fatima is tossed into the harem, Ali Baba is tossed into the jail cells and immediately the inmates start concocting a plan to escape. They do, and then they are captured while they mill about the courtyard as nobody knows where the gate room and the gate controls are. Whoops. Ali Baba is forced into tourney garb while the inmates try Escape Plan 2: Try not to get caught this time. Plan 2 also involves finding the secret passage to the gate room controls so that they can get past the courtyard.

Saracens fight, Saracens die, Omar and Ali Baba are left. We are all incredibly surprised by this. Who could have seen this coming? Ali Baba starts to get the upper hand when Oh! Treachery! He is shot in the shoulder by a palace archer! Omar, you fiend!! The crowd rises up, the gate room is found (and the gate is opened), Ali Baba's tribe rolls in and a free-for-all brawl ensues.

Somewhere close to the end Omar is shoved under a chariot. Alas.


And thus, all's well that ends in Ali Baba Bumbles into Kingship

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