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Mega-Meta 4 Category 17 Recap: Crummiest Ending

It's over! It's over! Hooray, it's over!

...is what one often says at the end of a Smithee film.

Yes, it's true. We have come again at last in our recappings to the antepenultimate category of Mega Meta 4: Crummiest Ending.

Crummiest Ending, in the Smithee sense, is fairly open-ended. It can be nonsensical (what do you mean it must have worked or I wouldn't be here?). It can be cliched (oh look, it was all a dream -- but the world was destroyed anyway). It can simply be painful beyond painful (see Black Bikers From Hell -- or better yet, don't).

But what was so crummy about the endings of

Invincible Barbarian (1982) (Smithee Link Here),
Creepers (1985) (Smithee Link Here),
Grave of the Vampire (1974) (Smithee Link Here),
Exterminator City (2005) (Smithee Link Here), and
Christmas Evil (1980) (Smithee Link Here)?

I hear you ask.

Smithee 16's winner, Invincible Barbarian, ends with a voiceover. A voiceover that tells us in the 13th moon of the 75th illumination, something something blah blah blah ... oh! And the Barbarian's sword goes on to become Excalibur of the Arthurian mythos, and the question is asked: what will we do?


Smithee 17's winner, Creepers, ends with our hero being saved! It's her father's agent. A friendly face, at last! A friendly face, suddenly and unexpectedly beheaded when the psychotic mother jumps up from nowhere. "Why don't you call your insects?!" she taunts our heroine (Jennifer Connelly). And just when it seems all is lost -- a pissed-off chimp kills the mother with a razor blade. Chimp plus razor blade equals win!


Smithee 18's winner, Grave of the Vampire, ends with our half-vampire hero fighting and killing his vampiric father. He's won! He's won! He's turning human! ... No! He's not turning human! He's going full vampire! No! No! Noooooo! He makes terrible whalesong noises, then stares stupidly at the camera as we see the end title: THE END OR IS IT?


Smithee 19's winner, Exterminator City, ends after the killer robot has been successfully destroyed by our heroic robotic police officer. The serial killer robot's soul ends up in Hell, where Satan (complete with bad Sean Connery accent) sends the killer's soul back ... to possess our hero. Our hero kills a topless woman with Lips Of Mick Jaggerness and Breasts Of Extreme Terror. Thankfully, our hero decides to kill himself rather than be a cat's paw for the dead serial killer.


Smithee 20's winner, Christmas Evil, fills us with the holiday spirit. Nah, just kidding. Harry (the film's overly-earnest killer Santa) is strangled by his brother, but revives just in time to drive off in his panel van (complete with Santa's sleigh painted on the side). As Harry is escaping, a torch-wielding mob pops up from earlier in the film, and he veers off the road. And what to his brother's wond'ring eyes should appear, but Harry's fan FLYING off into the full moon. Bear in mind there isn't even the slightest hint of the supernatural at any other point in this movie. "Merry Christmas!" The End.



And the other thing that one says at the end of a Smithee review film? "I stayed up to read watch the end of this?!"
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