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People on Fire are Funny

boiling Granny

If I had the lemon LJ icon finished, I would use that one instead. What constitutes a Smithee film that is also a lemon? Try one that has few clips, or is unclippably bad, or one that has a great clip which you later realize isn't a clip after all, or which has DVD read errors right in the middle of your Worst Acting clip. Gaaaaahhh!!!

You know there will be spoilers here, right? Good.

The movie in question is Granny. The DVD started up with a plug for "Brain Damage Films" and their fan club. Suffice it to say that my $30 is safe with me (although their film Swamp Zombies is on my list of movies to track down for Smithee purposes). The film credits were in a hard-to-read font, but I could make out that the production company was "Ambitious Productions." Was this an omen?

Of course it was an omen. In Smithee-land, everything is an omen. An actor's last name was "Ohnono" -- another omen (actually, it wasn't "Ohnono," but the cruddy font made it look that way).

Let's refer to my notes, shall I?

5:00 I already want them all to die

8:00 Dave-Sim-guy talks about men and creativity (and how men are better than women)

11:00 A clever line! "Life is like a rich meringue ... and I'm diabetic, so I can't enjoy it..." It's buried in the middle of a rambly bit, and probably impossible to clip, but what the heck.

30:00 A nice clip! They find their dead friend (first blood took way too long), but they think he's playing a joke on them. One of the women reaches down and tastes the blood to prove that it's fake. Acting ... Appropriately ... Stupid. There will be more of this throughout the movie, but this one is the nicest clip.

Trying to think of something nice to say about this movie. The music's pretty good. A touch generic, but not at all bad. It has a very stylish use of darkness, for values of stylish equivalent to nifty (rather than wankery).

...and now it turns out that all the murder was a big initiation prank. Which means that all the Acting Appropriately Stupid wasn't really ... because they were all in on the prank. Except for Michelle. Who apparently had a weak heart. And is now dead.

At the graveside, Christina (Nathalie Ohnono Ohnena) has a speech about how Michelle was a person and now her family is ruined, and the music swells, and the bile rises, and I've got my Worst Acting clip. Hallelujah.

And then I went to clip the thing, and discovered that all the DVD read errors lived right in the middle of the clip. I have the first bit, and I have the last bit, but the middle bit is gone. Until/unless I can find another copy of the movie to clip from.

Although one of my co-workers (Scary Mike, for those in the know) suggested that boiling a DVD for thirty seconds can actually cause the outer layer to soften, flow, and re-solidify, eliminating scratches.

I haven't decided if I'm going to take that step yet.



But it might be worth doing just so I could say that I'd boiled Granny.

Comments

If scratches are the problem, we've got one of those hand cranked grinders for getting rid of CD and DVD scratches. It actually works pretty well.
I think I'll take you up on that offer. If it doesn't work, I can still boil the thing.
If it works, you might want to invest in one. As I recall, it wasn't very expensive, and we use it fairly often for Netflix and public library DVDs. It's not so good at dealing with manufacturing flaws, but it does work well on surface stuff.
Swamp Zombies sounds awesome! The best "zombie" pic that the Mr. and I have seen (except, of course, the seminal Zombie Lake) was Redneck Zombies. A touching movie about, well, zombies who were also rednecks.
I've got a copy of Zombie Honeymoon, and I'm not afraid to use it!