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Ninja Grass

It's Not Exactly a Lump of Coal

But the lot of you who were at the U-Con Mini-Smithees would have probably been better off finding one in the bottom of your stocking rather than having to watch the Mini-Smithees. Coal at least is functional and can keep you warm. The Smithees can...ummm...well...they are really good at sucking about 4 hours of your life. In any event, welcome to the U-con Smithee Primary run down.

There were about a steady 15ish people in the room over the course of five hours (I'm guessing) with a max voting number of 25 (if I remember correctly). That's pretty good attendance. We even had about 10 or so of you who stayed to the bitter end which, huzzah! We should have brought coal to give out to you hard core few. You were also a relatively calm crowd which the Guru heartily thanks you for as he was suffering from the last dregs of a cold and didn't want to be shouting over a rowdy bunch of Smithee Hoodlums.

Enough chitter, below are the results of your voting. I've listed the top three clips because that's just how I roll. Three is better than two and less typing than four so there you go. The numbers in parenthesis are the vote tallies where the voters (you all) were told to vote for two choices. In a couple extra long categories the Guru said to vote for three choices so if you are confused by any extra weirdness, that might answer your questions. In order of appearance, here are the Primary Clip votes:

MOST LUDICROUS PREMISE
(12) Superargo Against Diabolicus - Superargo is depressed, let's make him a secret agent to cheer him up.
(12) Knight Riders - Arthurian legend as told by Ren-faire motorcycle riding people.
(3) The Corpse Grinders- Cats who taste human flesh become man-eaters.


OBLIVIOUS
(12) The Corpse Grinders - Look left. No left. Just over there to your left. LE-oh nevermind.
(8) Good Against Evil - Where exactly IS that cameraman anyway?
(8) Brotherhood III: Young Demons - Guy comes up behind the two as they talk and stays there the whole conversation.


WANNA RUN THAT BY ME AGAIN?
(14) Rats - I'll make you pregnant if you can make that thing work.
(11) Ninja Kill - As it turns out, his vest was right
(5) Project Kill - You would eat the secret message and not use a public bathroom for two weeks.


LET'S UP THE RATING TO 'R'
(10) The Victim - Nude-fu bath scene fight complete with double dong flick and towel snap. Ow!
(9) Humanoids from the Deep - Camping with the ventriloquist and his dummy. And a fish monster but hey.
(9) Night of the Demon - When the van's a rockin, don't come knocking unless you are Bigfoot. Proof that muzak doesn't sooth the savage beast.


ALAS, POOR YORICK
(13) Sleepwalkers - Corn in the Cop.
(11) Dark Decent - High pressure water jet through tech.
(11) Night of the Demon - Bigfoot's hammer toss sleeping bag guy tryouts.


DEUS EX MACHINA
(15) Dark Descent- Relief sub arrives early enough to find falling hero but late enough to not get blown up by exploding deep sea station. And also is a couple hours ahead of its scheduled arrival time anyway just because.
(15) Project Kill - She just happens to have the Super Soldier drugs in her purse.
(12) Superargo Against Diabolicus - The flame-thrower-susceptible walled hostage room just happens to be right where Superargo is. Convenient!

STUPIDEST-LOOKING MONSTER
(16) Robo Vampire - Quan Chi gorilla masked sparkler shooting monster.
(15) The Beast that Killed Women - Blue masked and gloved gorilla suited guy.
(9) Night of the Demon - Bigfoot(ish) looking fella.


WORST SCIENCE
(18) Superargo Against Diabolicus - Superargo's metaphysical equilibrium demonstration.
(17) Humanoids from the Deep - DNA isn't a growth hormone and it's pronounced "SEEL-uh-kanth" Ms. Scientist type.
(14) Dark Descent - Explosive decompression is exactly the opposite of what happens when you breach a wall of a deep sea station.


BEST ONE-LINER
(20) Scarecrow Gone Wild - "If I hear 'Let's split up.' I will bitchslap the both of you."
(17) Sideshow - "This is to see what I'm hitting and this is to hit what I'm seeing."
(16) Cryptz - "Evil must be opposed, even when it threatens morons."


WORST COVER
(17) Good Against Evil - No devil vixen half naked chicks appeared in this movie and neither did the plot.
(16) Robo Vampire - Is that a painting of...RoboCop on the cover?
(7) Project Kill - Misspelling and the "secondary plot" was so secondary it wasn't even in this movie.


CUTTING BUTTER WITH A CHAINSAW
(22) Rats - People on fire are funny; people on fire with rats hell bent on chewing their head are hysterical. And also in need of tossing through a window and some more shooting, just in case.
(11) Dark Decent - The doctor is "elemonated".
(6) Project Kill - Chunky Salsa grenade in the train bathroom scene.


INANE DIALOGUE
(14) Metallica - "You Survived." "Yup" "You're alive." "Yup".
(11) Superargo Against Diabolicus - "If we knew what the plan was, we'd know where to begin our investigation."
(9) Rats - [scream] "Something's wrong!"


WHOOPS!
(16) Metallica - And in nothing even close to alphabetical order...
(9) Dark Decent - The classic out of synch count down (up).
(4) Metallica - Changing the dubbing speed to match the clip length.
(4) The Beast That Killed Women - Camera shadow.


WHAT?!
(14) Rats - Jiffy Pop Rat Zombie Guy.
(10) The Victim - Kick arse martial artists dresses up as a western vampire...why?
(7) Robo Vampire - Marry the Ghost and the Vampire beast so they can be controlled.


ACTING APPROPRIATELY STUPID
(11) Komodo - Splitting up is a bad idea. I'll go this way.
(7) Superargo Against Diabolicus - My cunning plan! Let me tell you about it.
(4) Rats - I'll catch you, you dirty rat...OW!
(4) Sideshow - Step into this device...
(4) The Final Goal - We're outnumbered 5 to 3, let's split up!


WORST SPECIAL EFFECT
(11) Superargo Against Diabolicus - 'Splody 7th-grade-science-project island.
(11) Rats - Conveyor rats.
(8) Metallica - Earth's in trouble now, he's pressed the Stock Footage Button.


CRUMMIEST ENDING
(13) Monster a-Go-Go - Chasing the monster which just up and disappears. Where'd he go? Go! Go! Go, monster, go!
(9) Cryptz - This movie ends like it starts. Tymez Skwair crawls through the window, gets reamed by his mom for not having a job, he promises to get one in the morning and then falls asleep.
(7)Knight Riders - After being defeated, King Arthur William jousts a semi-truck, loses (natch) and then there is the worlds longest hippy funeral.


WORST ACTING
(16) The Beast That Killed Women (Dolores Carlos) - It was a beast! No maybe a man. It stood up like a man. It *could* have been a gorilla. Yes! It was definitely a gorilla.
(11) The Final Goal (Eric Estrada) - Do you know how to beg? HAhahahahahahahahaha!
(6) Scarecrow Gone Wild (Ken Shamrock) - Like my daddy told me, you gotta take that ball and run with it down the goal. Hey, is that Champaign?


WORST PICTURE
(8) Metallica - Tilt and Tilly, two robots in luuuuurve, have their suicide pact thwarted by the humans.
(8) Rats - Ahhhhh! We forgot to board up the window. Ahhhhh! We forgot the water! Ahhhhh rats!
(7)Robo Vampire - When the coffin's a rockin' don't come knockin cuz the Ghost and the Vampire beast haven't yet consummated their love! Or a beat down of the robot.

A couple of notes before I wrap things up. I am very sad that the Acting Appropriately Stupid of taunting Hercules only got two votes (The Earl's and mine in fact) because I thought that was a shoe in for sure. I'm also perplexed by The Victim's 'R' win because it's got to be the tamest 'R' in the history of 'R'. It does have more ass than a Grand Canyon adventure tour but it was up against some egregious boobies and...won. I'm thinking the double dong flick and towel snap was what put it over the edge. I'm sort of pleased by that too because the Smithees need more male 'R' clips, even if they consist of primarily hiney and ball whacking jokes.


Again, thanks to you brave souls who showed up. You've educated us on the importance of a good 'Let's Split Up" and have reaffirmed our belief in the awesomeness of numbers counting up or down erratically. The next show will be the Smithees at Smith near the end of March and we're still shooting for April 19th for the Ann Arbor show. And of course, the Smithee Season ender at Origins but that's in June and quite a ways away.

Chupa!

Comments

Cabre!
Chupa!
fish
I just found your journal when searching for local Smithee Awards... thought I'd friend ya to keep up, so hi!
Hey, Hi! It's always nice to see new people popping up to say hello. We usually say hello back too. HELLO! I like the icon BTW. Heh.

-YFN Promotions Ninja