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Movies We're Watchin'

What's Black and White and Red All Over and Can't Fit Through a Revolving Door?

A Nun with a spear through her head. Which, with the proper lighting, would have been more entertaining.

So yeah, lunargeography, badmovie and I (Your friendly Neighborhood Promotions Ninja) decided to watch another Smithee movie Sunday because...well why not. I'll let the Earl tell you about Saturday's movie watchin' experience but the nun movie is all mine. Plus I made a new icon and wanted to test drive it. Heh.

Anyway, the tag line on the cover says "Not all water is holy" and...yeah. Lake Michigan? Nope. Atlantic Ocean? Nope. The Volga River? Nope. Fago sparkling water with lime? Nope. Seems to me that quite a lot of water isn't holy. I'm just sayin. So Nun is about a bunch of Catholic boarding school girls who are tormented by an evil nun. Not just your typical evil nun, but a creepy satanic nun who exhibits super strength and can do that disturbing head thing from Jacob's Ladder. That's not right. Eventually the girls wind up offing the nun, pretty justifiably and dump her in the pond of holy water out back.

Eighteen years later, some construction something of other drains the pond and the nun comes back. Incidentally, can you just drain a pond full of holy water or do you have to do some sort of ritual first? Also eighteen years later they forget what lights are and the rest of the movie is stupidly dark. Mary, the first on screen nun victim, lives in a house which eats light since the nightstand lamp only illuminates about a three foot diameter and then nothing. When I have the light by my bed on, it manages to get some illumination to the rest of the bedroom and into the hall. Mary's freaky lights can't even manage a few feet. I'm not ever living in her place. Mary hears something bangy and also slightly wetly gurgly and wanders out into the (dark!) kitchen to see what's up. I guess I don't blame her for not turning on any lights because what's the point in that house? As soon as you walked a few feet away you'd be in darkness again. Back to Mary, who has a mysteriously stoppered up sink (with the neatest little silverware sink between two larger sink bays. I want one of those if I don't have to also have the house of eternal dark). Mary reaches down into the dark (but nicely clear) sink water to discover the drain stopper is still on the counter!!!! Dun-dun-dun! And also Mary does not get her arm eaten by the garbage disposal which doesn't mysteriously turn on even if she totally deserves it. Mary plunges the sink, hears some more odd noises (and we might get our first glimpse of what we dubbed "The water nun") and the sink is magically (and evilly!) full of water again. Oh noes!

Of course Mary doesn't leave the house that moment and the nun manifests all wet and watery and Mary winds up with her throat slit by the water nun. Eve (or Eva as she is credited although everyone called her Eve), Mary's daughter arrives home to see the water nun kak her ma and gurgle out the window. Thus begins the string of wet nun murders as Eve tries to figure out why this dead nun is killing off her mother's old boarding school chums as the chums themselves figure out something's not right.

They all end up at the old abandoned boarding school which is abysmally dark even when they get the electricity on (question: Why does a long abandoned building still have electricity?) and discover the water nun is killing the girls off as their namesake saints were killed off. Mary has her throat slit, Eulalia was crucified, Susana beheaded, Zoe burned in an oven and so on. Sorta sucks to be Susan because any number of unanticipated situations could result in losing your head but Zoe? All she's gotta do is stay out of the kitchen and she's home free. Which of course immediately leads to, "We need the supplies that are in the kitchen. Zoe, go alone and get them." "Hokay doke...AHHHHHH! I've been pushed into the mysteriously turned on oven!"

So of course we all immediately looked up our patron saints so we would be more informed as to what to watch out for. Just in case we had to deal with an evil water nun in the future. Fortunately there isn't a saint Promotions Ninja, Earl or Ballot Bimbo so we were home free. WHOOO! Anyway, Eve and her cadre of peeps decide the only way to confront the water nun is in her own element because...ummm...she's more vulnerable? You know, every other time I've run across something like a water nun someone is always going on about "Oooo, you don't want to confront that in its own element because there they are the strongest" which makes more sense. But what do I know? Also, we weren't going to really see it anyway so they might as well do whatever.

We did rather like the water nun effects and were almost deliriously excited when the toilet in one of the boarding school girl's room started rattling up a storm (in the words of badmovie, "If the water nun comes flying out of the toilet and strangles her, that is so going down as an alas") but we were robbed. We were also robbed of a decent alas when one of the characters completely unconnected with the water nun and her revenge gets gutted by a high pressure water burst. Been there, done that (much better) in Dark Descent. Foo. In fact, we really got a lot of nothing from this flick both visually and Smitheeually. Ah well, maybe next time.

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