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Garbage In Smithees Out

Best Worst Movie? Maybe, maybe not...

So, one of my co-workers sent me a link last month to a trailer for a documentary. The documentary (out next year) is called Best Worst Movie, and it's on the subject of a film that was actually sitting on my Smithee shelf. Upon consideration, we slotted said film into the movies we watched the very next weekend.

Written and directed by the writer/director of Rats and Monster Dog, and with costumes by Laura Gemser ("Emanuelle" from the more risqué Emanuelle series), how could we resist?

The film is entitled Troll 2. It was shot with a cast of mostly newbie actors by a director who spoke little or no English. What could possibly go wrong?

If I were to diagram this movie by potential Smithee categories, it would come out like this: MLP + Bad Acting -> MLP, more Bad Acting, WHAT?!, Worst Picture, SLM/AAS, AAS, Wanna Run, SLM, WHAT?!, Wanna Run, WHAT?!, Obliv, DEM (*) => Crummy End. With a side helping of evil Vegetarians and anti-Shamrock-Shake sentiment.

(*) We had a minor disagreement as to whether this was a DEM or not. Perhaps you can offer your opinion. Magic Dead Arsonist Grandpa gives our young hero a backpack and tells him that inside the backpack is something that will solve his problems. When the kid pulls the magic random noun out of the backpack and it works, is that more of a Deus Ex Machina, less of a Deus Ex Machina, or just the same as if Magic Dead Arsonist Grandpa hadn't told him that it was a DEM?

Manufactured controversy aside, on to the movie!

The movie begins with young Joshua (our hero) being read a story by his Grandpa Seth. In the story, goblins trick and eat the protagonist. Joshua cries out in horror, and Grandpa Seth vanishes. That's right ... Grandpa Seth is Dead Grandpa.

Joshua's family is going on a vacation. They're doing a house-swap with a family in a small farming community named Nilbog. I imagine that you've already pretty much sussed out the plot of the film. You are correct.

In Nilbog, there is a large feast set out for Joshua's family. Suddenly Grandpa Seth appears to Joshua, and tells him that if anyone eats the food, something terrible will happen! Grandpa Seth stops time to give Joshua a chance to think of something. That's right, he's now Magic Dead Grandpa (I am not elaborating too much more on this scene as it's my Worst Picture nomination, oh yes).

As the movie progresses, various add-on characters (Joshua's sister's boyfriend's no-good friends, for the most part) get turned into trees and/or eaten and/or seduced via corn. See, goblins can't eat people directly. People have to eat specially-prepared goblin food. Then they turn into trees. Which turn into food that the goblins can eat. So goblins feed people to turn people vegetable to eat people. Got it?

Joshua somehow manages to keep his family out of trouble (he sees the town's name reflected in a mirror, and only then makes the connection), but the villagers of Nilbog have another dastardly surprise up their sleeve. A housewarming party! Where they're trying to feed the newcomers.

Luckily, Grandpa Seth has a solution. Armed with a Molotov Cocktail, he attempts to get Joshua to set fire to the house where everyone is, thus enabling the family to escape in confusion. Always and forever, he is now Magic Dead Arsonist Grandpa. The resolution of the Nilbog problem is so bizarre that it defies description, and the ending ... well ... let's just say it's better seen than read.

What was that? Oh, yeah. It's the reason I got the movie in the first place. Troll 2 is full of goblins. Not a single troll.



It's too soon to say for certain, but it just might be that "It was bad, but it was no Rats" has been replaced in my vocabulary by "It was bad, but it was no Troll 2."

Comments

OMG! I've seen this movie! I remember the disappearing Grandpa and the large feast. But...I don't think it was called Troll 2. I think it was called something else. Jeff and I watched it late one night, so I will check with him.
Do check out the Best Worst Movie trailer if you get the chance. Much less scary than Mistress Rhiannon's website, I promise.
I tried, but it needs a plug-in. One time, I put in a plug-in and it messed up everything. So, I now have Jeff put in the plug-ins :) As soon as he does, I will watch it. I can't wait! It will surely bring back memories of that awful, horrible movie. The fact that I said "I can't wait" tells more about my love of bad movies (and my psyche) than I probably realize :)
Right! I forgot about that. Sorry.
Okay, Jeff confirms that it was called Troll 2, but that it should have been called Goblin because, as you note in your post, there are no f'in trolls!

Happy New Year!