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SkullCow

The MegaMetaThree Category Recap: What??!?

Hello Smitheeites. I thought I'd do a little MegaMeta refresher for y'all since it's been what...five years since you've seen some of these clips and judging by the Origins crowd, y'all aren't remembering back further than Chupa! : Cabra!. So I thought I'd take this time before the A2 showing of the MegaMetas to review your options.

I was trying to think of which category to start with and one of my first thoughts was "Why not Ludicrous premise?" but that's one of my least favorite categories. My second, third and fourth thoughts were "Oh man. What is going to be a tough one" so I decided to start with it. It can only get worse right?

The films you will be seeing again, but this time pitted against each other, are:
Soul Vengeance (2002's highlight)
El Topo (2003's highlight)
Silver Fox Massacre (2004's highlight)
Ninja Hunter (2005's highlight)
Circuitry Man II: Plughead Reloaded (2006's highlight)

Oi. It a good think I'm starting this little jaunt into memory lane early so y'all have time to think about the clips. What is the most egregiously what here? Should the Penis of pies de resistance take the honor? Because Soul Vengeance's Prehensile Penis of Bad guy strangling is a good contender. Granted, the guy had something coming to him, what with the castrating of our protagonist and the general central villainyness he had going, but that? How do you even begin to do a CSI on a fella who has been strangulated with somebody else's member? A member that can, apparently, not only meander around the perimeter of a room and sneak up on a sleeping bad guy but then hold him down and strangle him? "Sir, the ligature marks are indicative of a...ahhh...giant...well...ummm...prehensile...errrr..."

Then there is the Waltzing with Priests musical interlude in the middle of El Topo. I didn't watch the movie, but apparently this scene was a side diversion into the freakishly bizarre. Where did the banditos of the old south west learn to waltz? Is it taught in Mexican Bandito school?
Monday, Wednesday, Friday : 8-10:30 Horse Riding for Beginners: How to ride in a gang and look cool doing it.
10:30 - 11:30 Bank Robbing for Beginners: The fine art of pistol pointing
11:30 - 3 Siesta
3-4 Camping for Beginners: Grub made good!
4-5:30 Dinner
5:30-7 Study time
7-9 Beginning Waltzing: Practice with Clergymen. Don't forget your Victrola, mother's old dress and your buggering gear

I hate a bandito that hasn't had some form of finishing school, you know?

Ahhhh, but then there are my personal all time favorite Ninja antagonists, the famous cymbal fighting monks of Silver Fox Massacre. Their music fu is so powerful that no man can stand to be in their cymbal bashing presence without ear protection. Of course if you have handy prayer beads, you can stuff them in your ears and render the cacophony fu harmless. Good luck fishing those little pearls of wisdom out of your ear canals though. I really love the one monk who flings his cymbal Frisbee style at our heroes and the Cymbal Monk fighting advance pose of one cymbal held low palm up, second cymbal held high behind the head. Those crazy monks!

But! What's more crazy than cymbal fighting monks? Ninjas that can turn into picnic blankets. That's who. Deadly, menacing, quilted beach blankets. Of Death! And Doom! Ninja Hunter has them and I guess in the old world, beach blankets were much more threatening. Did Kurosawa ever do a Japanese Beach party movie? Hell No! Are you kidding? One beach blanket could wipe out an entire cast and crew in less than five minutes. Japanese beach blankets are extremely dangerous things and the only known offence is to jump on its back and use the super secret deadly finger technique. Poke to the Head (or blanket head analog)!

Lastly, and probably most freshly in your minds is Circuitry Man II: Plughead Reloaded's climactic cyborg/andriod/whatever-they-are mind to mind battle for supremacy. You know, I'd totally fight an evil cyber plug head whatsit with a Lover's Lane TV ad. No really! Think about it. A Plughead whatsit's life has got to be pretty rough right? I mean, what's a Plughead got to do but murder, maim, torture and dismember? I bet 9 out of 10 Plugheads have never even encountered a super saccharine, angel evoking, unity candle holding scene of vomit inducing cliché love. That's got to confuse them long enough to pull out the old one two mind-fu touch of death right? Oh. That was your entire plan then; the whole lovey dovey there goes my lunchy thing. Well...alllright then. Best of luck with that, but if the Plughead explodes because he just can't stand being in the same move with you two anymore, don't come crying to me. Do you know how hard it is to get Plughead out of white robes?


There you have it folks - MegaMeta3 Category Recap Part one. Stay tuned for more (18 more!) refresher recaps for your edification and enjoyment. Ciao!
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