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Soul Vengeance

Mega-Meta 3 Category 1 Recap (4 of 19): Most Ludicrous Premise

It was a difficult decision whether to do Category 4 (Let's Up The Rating To Boobs 'R') or this one. But I picked this one because I couldn't even think of another situation where I might use the stunning "Soul Vengeance" userpic.

Discussion of movies coming, so

...and regret it.

11: Soul Vengeance
12: Prayer of the Rollerboys
13: Cyberbandits
14: Roller Blade
15: Guns of El Chupacabra

So, let's begin at the beginning. I grew up in a town called ... fast forward dozens of years, and we arrive at Soul Vengeance. This scene takes place in a prison psychiatrist's office, when he meets with a cop who has been investigating some bizarre murders. The prison psychiatrist tells the cop of an inmate who used to see him. This inmate had been brutally maimed by the police, but while in prison, had come under the delusion that his penis could grow to incredible size ... no no, I said incredible size. To the point where he would dream about strangling people with it. You know, getting his revenge ... and being a real dick about it (*rimshot*).

Flash forward to the future. The US has defaulted on the national debt, creating a ruined society of chaos and an almost post-apocalyptic dingy feel. This creates a feeling of xenophobia, and people are clustering together in gangs. Post-apocalyptic gangs. Post-apocalyptic roller gangs. Corey Haim ends up in one of these white-supremacist post-apocalyptic rollerblade gangs in Prayer of the Rollerboys. How better to recommend it?

Jump back to the present day (ish). Imagine that a depraved millionaire has created a weapon. A weapon of such incredible ... um ... it's actually kind of stupid, with all the weaknesses of a gun but none of the strengths, but that's neither here nor there ... it's a powerful weapon. The millionaire's mistress has stolen a CD-ROM with information vital to the implementation of this weapon. She seduces one of the sailors manning the millionaire's yacht, and convinces him to help smuggle this info to the outside world. But how? What's the one thing that won't look out of place on a sailor? That's right, they're going to tattoo the information from the CD-ROM onto his skin. This, believe it or not, is the premise for Cyber Bandits, and it's just as sc(k?)intillating as you might expect. And then some. After all, the Mad Scientist is Henrik Ibsen Henry Gibson.

Jump up really high and hit your head, and you just might wake up dead. Or if you're unlucky, you'll wake up in the post-apocalyptic future of Roller Blade. There is this sacred order of roller (skate) nuns. They do not kill, and their weapons are only tools of love (yeah, I know). But their nemesis, Dr Saticoy, has stolen the Sacred Power Crystal. So they must retrieve it. Mother Speed (old nun in wheelchair) agrees to the let The Sheriff (who speaks in thys and thees and thous) and his deputy go after it (yea, verily). Unlike so many others, this one is actually stranger to see than to hear described.

Jump off a cliff, and if you were a bad person, you just might wake up in The Guns of El Chupacabra. Okay, so it's not really that bad. But I had a theme going, and I hated to break it up. Jack Quick, Space Sheriff, is summoned to an audience with The King Of All Media. He and his Queen inform Jack that an ancient evil has been loosed on the Universe, and Jack will need to Pilot the Mighty Fly-Teck to the Desolate Plains, beware the Angels and Demons (for they are One and The Same), and Defeat the Evil. If he does this, they will make him an Action Hero.

As opposed to me, The Inaction Hero. In any case, these are the voyages of the Starsh-- that is to say, the Most Ludicrous Premises that need to be chosen between. How will you choose? The funniest clip? The one that sounds worst when you recite it in your head? 1D5? It's all up to you, my audience ... all up to you.

And above all else, remember that Vegemite is supposed to be spread incredibly thin. Because it has a very intense flavor. Of evil.