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SkullCow

The MegaMeta3 Category Recap Number I Can't Remember And Am Too Lazy To Look Up: Crummiest Ending

Holy Moley! Is it Wednesday already? When did that happen? Oi! Well I guess it's time for another Smithee Awards MegaMeta3 Category Recap. Of doom. Let's see...we've done WHAT?!!, Whoops, MLP, Oblivious...let's chunk into Crummiest Ending then! I don't think I need to explain the category do I? I didn't think so. Onto the nominees!


Incubus - 2002's pick
The Journey Absolution - 2003's pick
Narcotic Justice - 2004's pick
Star Quest - 2005's pick
Carnosaur - 2006's pick

Incubus's claim to fame is that it's the only full length movie done entirely in Esperanto. What they don't mention on IMDb is the climactic end and stunning incubus footage. Throughout the movie, a succubus has been trying to corrupt our virtuous hero until finally she summons an incubus. Our hero shoots the incubus and by doing so has damned himself to hell. Oh! The Agony! Oh! The Despair! Oh! The stock footage of a goat which is supposed to be a horrifying terrible incubus! Baaaa-aaaad. In honor of this, I have reworked a song from Guys and Dolls:

And the devil will drag you under
if you shoot the incubus in the throat,
Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down,
Sit down they're filming a goat.


The Journey Absolution has aliens, not goats, but that can't really save it. The end is a race: Good guys against bad guy and the prize is the fate of the Earth! It always is. Anyway, bad guy Richard Grieco is opening a portal so his people can come through and do their alien ravaging mischief while good guy Mario Lopez would really rather he didn't. And of course there is a countdown to gate opening just to throw in a little tension.
15...14...13... Run run run! Try to stop the countdown!
14...13...12... Laugh laugh laugh! You can't stop the countdown!
7...6...5... If only we could find - there it is!
10...9...8... How did you find - is that a faulty wire?
ACK! It's going to overload! Run run run!
ACK! It's overloading! Maybe I can-
BOOM!!!!

Good guys escape, bad guy and gate get blowed up, it's all good! Except not. Note to bad guys: NEVER contract out your ravaging mischief alien gate summoning device to the lowest bidder.

Narcotic Justice ends with our hero Joe Average (yes. Joe Average) contemplating the events of the movie while silhouetted on that one cliff overlooking L.A. You know what cliff I'm talking about. It's in every movie remotely connected with L.A. Can you say cliché? I thought you could! And hey! Joe Average is still standing on that cliff overlooking L.A. "Yup. That's L.A. alright and here I am looking at it. Say, do you think we ought to wrap up this thing? I mean, the movie's over and we really ought to think about putting some credits or maybe a flashback sequence or two in here or something. You know, not that I mind standing around and looking down at L.A. and everything but I've been doing it for about a minute now. Credits would be a nice touch. I've even left a little room over on the side here if you want to run them, although I do like a good flashback sequence. Credits or flashback. Credits or flashback. What's the total running time on this anyway? OK! Flashback it is!"

I am not exaggerating about how long Joe Average stands there and does nothing. To top it off, they then recap the entire film in flashback by character, not chronologically. Finally - roll credits.

Star Quest has no goats, no L.A. but it does have a countdown. Our band of merry space colonists have found out that Earth has been blown up so they start losing it and killing off each other. Someone sets them up the bomb and 3...2...1... *click* 59...58...57... How thoughtful, it's a countdown to a countdown to when the spaceship explodes. PSYCH! Anyway, the hero and heroine escape, the ship blows up and lo! What's this strange door in the escape pod? Why does it lead into a testing facility? Wait...so the whole space colonizing thing was a simulation? DOAH! I hate it when that happens! So basically the whole movie they've been killing themselves off in a science experiment. Nice. So why didn't anyone stop them before they all went homicidal? And where IS everyone? Why is it so bleak outside and what is that snowy stuff...fallout? DOAH! No wonder no one stopped them, the Earth actually had a nuclear holocaust while they were all locked in the simulation killing each other off. Sucks to be them. The end.

Carnosaur...Carnosaur...Carnosaur...where have I seen this before? Oh right. Same premise as Raptor. In fact, really it's the same movie as Raptor but switched around slightly. Very slightly. Which means the ending to Carnosaur should go something like this: Our heroes are chased madly to and fro by the nasty, agile and hell bent on eating people dinosaur until they find a front loader. Great! Battle, battle, battle, scuffle, scuffle, squish and the raptor Carnosaur is defeated. Yay! Sadly, our heroes got a bit banged up during the fight and are in need of medical attention. They call in to the people in charge and then who should show up but the millitary, dressed to the nines in full hazmat suits, flamethrowers and other tasty incendiaries. Fahwoooosh! Good guy flambé. I guess the up side is that they won't have to wait six to eight weeks for a broken leg to set because they are now dead. Note to good guys: Never call the scientists, whose rampaging dinocritter you've just killed, for help no matter which movie you're in. Immoral dinosaur DNA experiments? What immoral dinosaur DNA experiments? I don't see any evidence of any immoral dinosaur DNA experiments, do you?
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