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People on Fire are Funny

Mega-Meta 3 Category 5 Recap (10 of 19): Alas, Poor Yorick

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. 'Tis a pity that large-breasted stripper killed him by stuffing ice cubes down his

Yet another tough Mega-Meta category, top to bottom. But really, aren't they all? For a memory jogger, Alas Poor Yorick refers to the stupidest or most pointless character death. They are judged on necessity (lack thereof), and style (presence thereof) ... or really, on any criterion you care to employ.

2002: Gymkata
2003: Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat
2004: Trick or Treat
2005: Russell Mulcahy's Tale of the Mummy
2006: Satan's Little Helper

As we like to say, Gymkata is Jim Carter's fault. Kurt Thomas would have competed for the US Olympic Team in 1980, except ... the US Olympic Team didn't compete in 1980. Those Olympics were in Moscow, you might recall. So instead, he made Gymkata. I have no idea if this story is true, but it's a good story. Unlike Gymkata. Kurt's character is being shown around the capital of Parmistan by an official from the embassy. "As you know, anti-American sentiment has been running a bit high," the official says. He doesn't get to finish his thought, though, because all of a sudden there's an arrow sticking out of his chest. He must have been a Gemini.

Don't be a jerk to the old guys at the gas station in the desert. That's the moral of the clip from Sundown: The Vampire in Retreat. A slicked-back-hair ponytail-wearing Hollywood-type is an ass to the old guys at the gas station in the middle of nowhere. Old Guy #1 gets up and goes over to the Hollywood guy. The Hollywood guy mouths off again. Old Guy #1 hits him in the face, and backhands his head clean off. Old Guy #2 (still sitting on the bench) is unhappy, because now they're going to get into trouble. Old Guy #1 defends his actions with "What? He was an asshole!" Oh, old guy! You slay me!

Too much TV might be bad for you, but in Trick or Treat it could be more dangerous to get out of television. Sammi (the electrical ghost Rock 'n' Roll demon, or something to that effect) wants to make a point to Eddie (our hero), so he reaches into a television set, grabs the old lady who is talking about that wicked rocking rollen music, and pulls her out of the program through the TV set, frying her in the process. If the medium is the message, then message received well-done.

If vampires suck, what do mummies do? Shamble? Decompose quietly? Chase characters at speeds approaching (but not exceeding) three miles an hour? Not in Russell Mulcahy's Tale of the Mummy. Talos is a bad mummyfu--shut your mouth--just talkin' about Talos. In this part of the movie, he's not much more than a disembodied set of bandages. A random character who we've never seen before takes a bathroom break. He washes his hands, and gropes blindly for the paper towel dispenser. He grabs some of the Talos' body coverings, and Talos wraps this guy up in mummy bandages, and pulls him into a toilet stall and down the toilet.
Ka-fwoosh! Just another urban wrap killing.

From Talos the Mummy to Satan the Killer. Or whatever he is. Satan's Little Helper is as much about the mysterious Satan-masked killer as it is about Dougie (the little boy who is his helper). Although this scene marks the moment when Dougie realizes how dangerous Satan is, and stops helping him. Dougie's family is all dressed up to go to a Halloween party. Dougie warns his dad that Satan might spill his guts out. "I'm not scared," says Dougie's dad. "I have God on my side." So Dougie says, "Satan, quick! Come spill his guts out!" Satan comes rushing out of another room, and does just that. For good measure, in a literally gutwrenching moment, Satan takes the intestines and ties them around a nearby chair.

So, those are your options. Have fun. Be young. Eat Vegemite.

To explain the title, this is the 10th of 19 category recaps (the middle one), but the category is the 5th sequentially. And the second alphabetically, but I fail to see how that's relevant.


That was painful. One bad mummyfu....

*bangs head against wall*

Vegemite - Banned in the U.S.!

Sad, but true. It is now illegal to buy or import Vegemite in the U.S.


I fear the outcome of this news... Will there be Vegemite speakeasies where bootveggers charge exorbitant fees for their precious smuggled product? How many people will die from tainted homemade bathtub-Vegemite? How long can it be before the forces of organized crime get their sticky fingers into the illegal Vegemite business?