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Animated Ninja Technique

If Only I could Erasure The Entire Evening From My Mind

It was another Smithee '08 watching fest at Your Friendly Promotional Ninja's house and I have to say there is a new rule: badmovie is no longer allowed to pick out movies. I thought I was the suck at picking movies but he just took over that title and made it an international event. We watched three (3!!!) movies and got...practically nothing.

Oh wait, we got a new expression, a new appreciation for bacon and it has prompted me to find Erasure lyrics for each and every movie we watched. Trust me, hunting for the lyrics is every bit as exciting as watching the movies was. Is. Whatever. Onward!



Black Devil Doll from Hell can be summed up pretty succinctly with:

Why throw it away / Why walk out on me / I just live for the day / For the way it should be / There once was a time / Had you here by my side / You said I wasn't your kind / Only here for the ride

Oh L'Amour / Broke my heart / Now I'm aching for you / Mon amour / What's a boy in love / Supposed to do?


except change out girl for boy. It's the classic creepy dummy comes to life and "grants its master a wish" which goes horribly wrong story. In the hands of Rod Serling or Alfred Hitchcock this would have made a very good and exceptionally creepy half hour TV episode. Even Stephen King could have penned this into a decent screenplay and he doesn't exactly have a spotless record on that, but none of them did. Instead, we sat through a 70 minute long flick that screamed out: EDITING! PACING! FOCUS! These are all your friends!! And for god's sake, move your one microphone AWAY from the Casio.

In fact, please just step away from the Casio altogether.

Sadly, the production value was too poor to include this as a Smithee flick (for those of you wondering: Rana looks like Citizen Kane in comparison) but once the flick started, both Badmovie and I wanted to at least wait until the Devil Doll showed up. Then we wanted to wait until the Devil Doll did something and then we sort of screwed our own selves and wound up watching the entire movie. We learned that Devil Dolls don't particularly like living on toilets and...I can see that. I mean, who decorates their bathroom by putting a creepy (demonically possessed) Black Charley McCarthy doll on the toilet seat? Maybe in the corner if you are in to decorating with dolls (and don't get me started on how unsettling Charley McCarthy dolls are no matter where you put them. You have one of those you are just begging for the creepy thing to come to life and do something vastly not right) but on the toilet seat? What if you have to go? "Excuse me, I have to go 'move the dummy', I'll catch up with you in 5."

We also learned that demonically possessed black Charley McCarthy dolls apparently have bacon for tongues and also, bacon is very titillating. Special f/x courtesy of Eckridge. Well I don't know for sure that the dummy's tongue was bacon but whatever was hanging out of its mouth was the right shape, floppiness and was marbled. There's only one thing that looks like that and that's BACON!!! And yes, the dummy uses said tongue in a dummy rape scene. Mmmmmm! I'll have some eggs over easy and a bacon hummer please, hold the hash browns.

Part of the power of the Black Devil Doll is that it grants the owner's most secret desire and this particular owner was a steadfast virgin. Guess what her deep down dark fantasy wish is? We were thinking of watching Black Devil Doll from Hell as a double feature with Puppetry of the Penis. Think about it, Puppetry of the Penis and penis puppetry in one night of...ahhh...THEME! Yeah. Theme. If I never live to see another 'sex' scene with a Charley McCarthy doll it will be too soon.

Other great 'gems' from BDDfH include the cutting edge of movie f/x in which a series of blurry stills are montaged for the scary dummy attack. I guess no matter how you throw it, a dummy looks like a dummy but a series of blurry stills? GENIUS! And why does it take our heroine days to remember that the doll returns to the store once it has done it's magic? Why did we have to live through watching her wander around looking for the dummy for a third of the movie? IT'S AT THE DAMN STORE!!! Remember the whole "The doll always comes back" speech? Why don't you go BACK TO THE STORE??? Arrrgh! Store! STORE! STORESTORESTORE! Back to the...aw hell. Never mind, I'm going to go up and 'move the dummy'. Maybe by the time I come back she'll either have remembered that bit of dummy lore or died.

Soul, I hear you calling / Oh baby please / Give a little respect / To me


BRILLIANT! I just looked up Flash Fire on IMDb and ran across this user quote: Interesting Content Ruined By A Disorganized Series Of Episodes.. Hee. I would have gone with:

Somewhere 'cross the desert / Sometime in the early hours / In a restless world / On the open highway

or

Rolling along through a rose coloured glow / The city looks pretty in pink / Armageddon is here!.

because the premise of the movie was "yank builder down under runs into trouble as someone tries to torch his development for the insurance money and blame him for it". Of course our cover says: "A gripping drama packed with action and intrigue. An American insurance agent travels across the world to investigate a fire that has destroyed an expensive Australian resort." OoooOOOooo! The exciting life of a claims adjuster! I am atwitter. James Bond's got nothing on Bob from AAA. Actually it's Lloyd's of London and the agent is very quite obviously a Brit (so...is that only half way around the world then?) and the place hasn't so much burned down, really, but there are suspicions. Plus, the picture of Tom Skerritt on the cover is from 2000ish while the movie is from 1981. Folks, we have a COVER! Aaaand, well, a fairly weak LUtRtR clip in which lawyer chick's top comes off during the drowning scene.

This movie also suffered from some sound problems but at least they used the deluxe Casio model and included some real instruments for the sound track. I never did figure out why the fire chief was so pissed off at Skerritt's character, which brings me to another fault of this movie. We kept referring to the characters as Tom Skerritt, Tom Skerritt's daughter, Gay Neil Patrick Harris, Lawyer Chick, Lawyer Chick's friend, Fire Chief guy, Diabetic Lloyd's of London guy, Floppy Hair Guy and the Bad Guy. I think they had actual names but hell if we could remember them.

Someone always has to suffer


And our last movie, Boot Hill we picked because our cover said it had a 68 minute run time and it was already 10:00 pm. LIES!!!! Damn movie was just over an hour and a half WE PICKED YOU BECAUSE SOME OF US HAD TO GO TO BED!!!! ARRRGH!

Is that not within your realm of understanding? / A fifty second capacity of mind, too demanding? / Well then poor unfortunate you

To boot (heh!) this movie may have been too good for Smitheeage. Why me? Movie one taught me to look at bacon quite differently and was ineligible due to production values, movie two was more disorganized than Smithee worthy and yielded really only one decent...ahhh...well cover isn't so much a clip so we watched the whole movie for nothing. Now movie three is actually a decent flick. WHY!

On the plus side, Erasure has a song called The Circus! And here I thought that a movie about a couple of gunmen and a bunch of circus people trying to liberate a frightened and oppressed mining town from the evil and controlling company would be impossible to find lyrics for. Check this out:

And it's a shame / That you're so afraid / Just a worker waiting / In the pouring rain / Putting back the pieces / Of a broken dream

I wrock. I also wasted 4+ hours of my life in service to Smitheeage for 1 cover, 1 poor drowning boobies shot and an Alas of average value (Boot Hill) but sometimes that's the way the movies roll. They can't all be Rats or Guns of El Chupacabra.

Comments

Really, you can only blame the first one on me. And that was the dice talking, too. I bet Night of the Sharks was better.

I mean, it almost had to be.
True, I forgot about the death by mob and/or sharks movie but I would like to point out that while you actively picked out DDfH (and then rolled the pick on the random Smithee die of movie choosing), you also rolled up Flash Fire and Boot Hill.

There was a reason I made you roll the dice :P
Really, we should blame lunargeography, because she never flubs three in a row....

The dice picked the first two movies, and we chose the third based on its lie of a cover. That's my story, I'm sticking to it.


ALSO:

"Now that you have smelled the foulness of my breath, now taste the sweetness of my tongue." - BDDfH (which really should have been the Black Devil Doll from Knick-Knack Shop Down On Main Street)
And you haven't even seen all of Guns of El Chupacabra yet!

We must remedy this.

So, was this write up some sort of Erasure therapy for the movies? Did it work? Is your rage lessened? (Violet the cyborg cat's rage has not lessened one iota.)
Hmmmm. While the Erasure lyrics were therapeutic,, I find that it is 8:30pm and I still think there is some lingering rage. Maybe I need to go through a couple more rounds on the CD player because...Erasure! They defined happy pop.

Heh, I'm also thinking Violet and I would get along well today! (and as an amusing side note: I originally misread "Violent the cyborg cat")