The Smithee Awards Blog

A Belated Christmas Present

2009-12-28T00:37:29Z

I did a little doodling the other day and came up with the Smithee 19 Stupid Looking Monster. Meet the rough draft of Bob the Blob monster.

-YFNPN

Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

2009-12-24T13:33:28Z

Actually it was perhaps more of the Sultan's nightmare but I had to share. I had a dream we were putting on the A2 Smithee show (ARRRGH! 1800 Chem stairs even in my sleep!) and you all were voting for the clips to not only win the category but to win a date night out. I'm not sure how movie clips can go on a date but that's how it worked. Anyway, one of you didn't want the clip you voted for to go out on a date so you fashioned your ballot as a word search.

I think that's a first in terms of the weird ballots we've gotten and I'm sure the Sultan would appreciate it if word search ballots stayed a figment of my imagination. Don't make me have to bring out the crankiest Ballot Ninja, you would not like the crankiest Ballot Ninja.

Amsterdamned!

2009-12-21T13:29:59Z

When you think of Amsterdam, what's the first thing that springs to mind?

No, not the red light district. Or the 'hash bars.'

That's right, the very first thing you think of is the canals! Made famous by their gorgeous views of fantastic renaissance architecture and the colorfully garbed gondoliers who ply their waters...

What? That's Venice?

Huh. Well, as it turns out, Amsterdam has canals too, and in this movie there's someone - or someTHING - swimming around down there and killing people.

Before I go into the gory details, take a look at the title of the movie again. "Amsterdamned." Makes you think there's some sort of Satanic cult or supernatural activity going on, right? And, to be fair, for the first two or three attacks it's not entirely clear who or what is killing folks. Fortunately for the city (but unfortunately for any sense of supernatural horror), the main character is a brilliant police detective who pretty quickly realizes that the killer is a person in SCUBA gear.

From then on in, it's pretty much a straightforward 'whodunnit' with some good action sequences and some decent bits of suspense and psychological tension. Unfortunately for the movie (but fortunately for the Smithees), there are some gaping flaws how these good bits are delivered.

The brilliant police detective seems like the only person in this movie who isn't actively trying to get killed off. Seriously, if there's a city-wide panic about a killer in the canals, do you really think it's a good time to take your girl down to the canals in the middle of the night and split up so that you can jump out and surprise her? Or to go diving alone to investigate a newly sunken ship? Or to go sunbathing in an inflatable raft?

And film makers? If the canals, and the rain, and the water are such a central feature of your film, shouldn't you be more careful about keeping track from shot to shot which actors are soaking wet and which are bone dry?

And the title... Gah. Well, one fun thing about it is the number of opportunties during the movie for making jokes with similar portmanteau words. "He's been in the water, but he isn't even Amsterdamp!" "The victim's body was Amsterdumped." "I think that guy is Amsterdoomed." "Does the cop's gun go 'Amsterblam?'"

I'm not going to give away the ending, because the wry twist that they put in is actually kind of clever. And the main character is much less of an idiot than everybody else in the film. But that's not enough to keep us from pointing out all of the other mistakes that were just plain Amsterdumb.

An Early Zombie Exercise

2009-12-20T05:21:52Z

Zombi 3 is an early zombie movie. This means that the zombies aren't implacable monsters -- they don't have to be. Their mere appearance is sufficient to render horror. The zombies in this movie are of average speed. If you shoot them, they go down. They're not in a real hurry to bite, either. They're some of the very few movie zombies that characters can engage in hand-to-hand combat with, yet escape unscathed. They're in no hurry. They can wait. They have time.

The military is experimenting with a virus codenamed "Death One." It has strange effects (dead people start spewing up black bile and get violent), and eventually all further research is cancelled. The virus is being moved to a secure facility when a terrorist interrupts the proceedings and steals the briefcase containing the Death One.

The terrorist escapes, but is shot, and accidentally breaks the vial of Death One. He holes up in a nearby hotel, and is quickly captured by the military. Just to be on the safe side, the military also rounds up everyone in the hotel (guests, staff, and all) -- and executes them.

The bodies are cremated, and the movie is over.

Well, not quite.

The scientist who studied Death One determines that burning the corpses actually made the Death One into a stable airborne microbe. Whoops!

A quarantine cordon is imposed. Birds start dive-bombing cars, and attacking people. Those wounded people turn into zombies when they die.

The rest of the film is taken up by a group of soldiers who meet up with some travelers (primarily attractive women) ... and they try to survive the sudden absence of supplies, the appearance of zombies, and the military enforcing its lethal quarantine.

Fonzi's favorite poll? Perhaps.

2009-12-20T02:01:59Z

Ordinarily, I would be posting this the Saturday beforehand ... but I will be out-of-state next Saturday, so you get some extra early poll fun.

View Poll: A. Poll

Standard Smithee poll caveats apply, although I'm not entirely certain when I will close this poll. It will be open for at least one week, but no more than two. Most likely it will close around the 30th....

Les gens en feu sont drôles

2009-12-19T06:02:09Z

What's that? You want to watch a French horror film called Deep in the Woods?

I might recommend against it, but it's your one hour and twenty-seven minutes.

The plot is as follows: A small troupe of actors is invited to an isolated castle to put on the play Little Red Riding Hood for an old man and his grandson. The actors are sequentially picked off by a mysterious person in a wolf mask.

There wasn't really enough umph to it for it to be a decent Smithee film. Any potential clips were marginal at best. Even the people on fire weren't all that funny -- a common failing of the French film.

once promised, eventually delivered

2009-12-18T23:03:50Z

Whoops! Trust the Promotions Ninja to keep me honest. I thought I had done a more full write-up of Destroy All Planets!, but apparently not.

A couple of spunky kids take a ride in a new submarine. On their underwater voyage, they see Gamera in his element, and take snapshots (a literal candidgamera moment).

Meanwhile, some offscreen enemies are analyzing Gamera's previous ~~movies~~ battles in order to determine if he poses a threat to their plans. Of course he does, and so they set about determining how best to neutralize him.

This is the Very Special Clips Episode part of the movie, where 11 of its 75 minutes are taken up with clips from previous Gamera films. "Remember when Gamera dressed up as Santa Claus and got stuck in the chimney and it took a family of Gyaos to flush him out?" "Remember when Baragon bought a new car, and Gamera accidentally painted it black?" etc.

Eventually, the enemies (aliens) decide that the answer is to kidnap some kids in order to force Gamera to submit to a mind probe. Gamera submits, and the aliens use him to wreak havoc. Meanwhile, the kidnapped kids break free and start to explore the space ship where they're held captive. The men of the space ship all have dark bands across their eyes (which is a truly creepy effect), and seem to be telepathic.

It turns out that they're possessed by eggs of a group-mind space-squid race/being called Viras. The kids shut down the mind probe and escape, which requires the creepy men to transform into some goofy-looking anthropomorphic squid things, which then combine into a giant goofy-looking anthropomorphic squid thing, which jets off to fight Gamera squido-a-turtleo.

"E" for "Effort," "F" for Fred Olen Ray

2009-12-18T03:01:06Z

I wanted to watch Final Examination because I thought, "It stars Kari Wuhrer, so there's some Bad Acting guaranteed."

How wrong I was, and yet also how right. I pulled something on the order of six Worst Acting clips from four different actresses, but Kari Wuhrer was (far and away!) the best Actress in the film. Maybe even the best Actor in the film (the male lead, Brent Huff, wasn't bad, but had a strong air of "The Poor Man's Lance Armstrong" about him).

Shane Newman (Brent Huff) is our main male character. He's a hard-nosed cop, and he starts off the movie by busting a drug deal that goes somewhere between awry and aw-right. Long and short of it, his unorthodox methods get him transferred from the genteel LAPD to the mean streets of ... Hawaii.

In Hawaii, he's partnered up with Julie Seska (Kari Wuhrer), and they get right to work. It seems that a get-together of Omega Kappa Omega sisters has been interrupted by the murder of one of the participants. A copy of her final exam was found floating in the Jacuzzi near where she was strangled -- marked "FAILED".

What could be the terrible secret that binds together the four OKO sisters who were tapped to be part of the Hot Sorority Grads photo-shoot? I'll give you a hint: it's particularly stupid.

At least this movie had a lot of random nudity going for it. I suspect that was its selling point. I can't imagine what else it might have been (unless somebody was owed an unrefusable favor, Godfather-style).

Demonicus Stew

2009-12-17T14:37:16Z

Good day and welcome to Dinner of a Movie. I'm your guest host The Smithee Ninja and today we will be making Demonicus stew. To start off, you will need the following ingredients:

1 Alps. You may substitute in a California but it will alter the taste of the stew slightly.
4 or 5 couples. The quantity doesn't matter as much as the quality; be sure to pick only the most annoying ones.
1 Virgin. If your virgin is part of your couples, reserve him or her for later monster plot.
1 Etruscan god; vengeful.
1 cursed gladiator outfit. It is best to go to the established movie houses for this one but on a budget, your local Walmart and some touch-up paint will do.
1 desiccated Etruscan Gladiator
1 conveniently large cauldron.

Place your couples randomly in your plot to make sure they don't converge too soon. Your first couple should contain one annoying, whiny, overly unlikable member so that nobody has any regrets about them getting skewered right off the bat. It helps if the second person of the couple is both curious and stupid enough to put on the cursed gladiator outfit and do the deed themselves. Weak willed is a bonus as then they won't fight their natural urge to kill the annoying whiner. Carve up the first victim and place the arms, legs and head in a large cauldron. Simmer.

Allow the other couples, in any order, to arrive at the Vengeful Etruscan God cave one by one. Your cursed desiccated gladiator armor wearing possessed character can kill them off more easily this way which allows the stew to season. Chop off any heads, arms and legs and throw them in the pot, stirring occasionally with a large spoon.

Reserve your virgin in chains until later. All the couples must be chopped up and put in the pot before adding the virgin. You will want to choose a virgin who knows nothing about ancient peoples and gods because this will lessen the chance that the virgin escapes and knows how to spoil the stew. If you happen to get a knowledgeable virgin, watch them carefully.

When all the couples have been dismembered and their limbs and heads simmering for about a day, it is time to add the blood of the virgin. This will bring life to the desiccated gladiator and bring back the Vengeful Etruscan god. If you happen to have the misfortune of picking a knowledgeable virgin and they defeat your possessed character, your stew is probably ruined. It is unfortunate but about the only thing you can do is drop a pile of rocks on your virgin and start over.

I got 37 problems, but the kids ain't one!

2009-12-17T04:33:48Z

37 Ninja Kids was one of those movies that it was hard to get a tonal reading on. In the end, I felt that it was maybe a little too much of a kiddie kung-fu komedy for it to be Smithee appropriate. Not that there weren't moments of kruelty more suitable for an adult drama (or even, dare I say, a kult klassik).

The other # movie that I watched as a prelude to "26 movies in 52 weeks, part two" ... well, that deserves its own write-up.

Promotions Ninja Needs Help Badly

2009-12-14T15:50:01Z

Promotions Ninja shoots and eats the food. Because Promotions Ninja is lazy (see evidence- or sad lack thereof - of Smithee LJ posting as of late). In fact, if it weren't for badmovie we might be going on two solid months of Smithee quiet which is...unnerving to say the least. Anyway, I decided to come out of my haze of slackery and start thinking about Smithee 19 promotions stuff. I have a monster figured out (but not yet drawn up) but the button quotes...eh not so much. Besides, I had a lot of fun last year seeing what quotes y'all liked so I thought I'd do it again this year. Without further ado, here is a poll to vote on!

View Poll: Smithee 18 Button Quotes

Yeah, one is a repeat but I like it so back it goes into the kettle. I'll leave the poll open for...Oh, lets say 2 weeks (ish) and end it December 31st. Have at it Smithee peeps!

[Argh! Just noticed I got the wrong Smithee on there. We are not going back in time, honest; this is for Smithee 19. In a completely related note: Is there a way to edit polls?]

Let's test this poll thing

2009-11-22T07:15:52Z

All right! Consider this a warm-up poll to get back in the spirit for "26 movies in 52 weeks Part Two: The Adventure Begins"!

View Poll: Now, the Poll

The are as follows:

Poll will "close" at midnight(ish) on the Saturday.
Or the first time after midnight that I log in (which could be quite a bit past the "deadline").
Ties are broken by me, using whatever criteria I feel like.
Sometimes things happen to first-place movies, and second- (or later-) place becomes relevant. For example, The Cars That Ate Paris won the last "C" poll, but I was having VCR trouble that week, so I ended up watching the highest-ranked movie that I had on DVD (Chupacabra Terror).
Non-LJ users may "vote" by commenting in the comments, and their votes will be manually tallied.
If there are more than 15 options (LJ limits these polls to 15), then I may run two consecutive polls. Or I may use some other method to narrow down to 15.
There may have been caveats, but these are the ones I can think of.

I will try to note it every time, but it's safest to assume that unless I explicitly refuts them, these caveats apply.

[EDIT: Lost some serious track of time there, sorry. Final results were ... 1990 Bronx Warriors - 1; 2103 Deadly Wake - 2; 2020 Texas Gladiators - 3; 37 Ninja Kids - 3. Were this a "normal" 26 in 52 poll, I would arbitrarily choose the one that I most want to watch. Since this is a special poll, I will arbitrarily decide to watch both winners. Thanks for voting, and look for the first real 26 in 52, part 2 poll coming in December.]

Whatever happened to Mary (Sue)?

2009-11-21T10:11:37Z

If you ever felt in the mood to watch a vampire movie which feels for all the world like a Christine Feehan fan-fiction with a very strong Mary-Sue element (the lead actress wrote the script), then I would recommend that you watch Kiss of the Vampire. Or perhaps get electroshock therapy.

Wow. Where to begin with a vampire movie of such vast ... magnitude?

At the opera.

Estelle (Kat Hawks) and her parents and her fiance are at an opera. Estelle's fiance is drunk and derisive. During the opera, across the room, Estelle's eye is caught by a mysterious stranger. After the opera, the fiance gets verbally abusive, the mysterious stranger kicks his ass in a genteel fashion, and then introduces himself as Alex (Daniel Goddard).

Estelle and Alex go to dinner. The fiance is never seen again. Estelle and Alex seem to hit it off, but Alex has to disappear quickly.

The reason Alex has to disappear is because his vampiric buddies are feeding somewhat indiscriminately at a rave when cops bust the place, expecting to find illegal drugs transactions. Instead, Alex has to use his secret special vampire powers to teleport all the vamps away in a burst of mistyness.

Several months pass, and Alex resurfaces at an art gallery where Estelle works. He's looking at a large picture of the sun, and asks to buy it. He also asks Estelle to dinner, but on their way to the restaurant, she's mugged and he is shot -- yet mysteriously unhurt!

Alex's vampire buddy Sebastian (Gary Daniels) is worried about this mysterious woman that has such a strong hold over Alex (this is following his second date). Her father is doing longevity research for a charitable foundation that is a front corporation for ... The Illuminati! The Illuminati are lead by Victor Price (Eric Etebari), is ruthless -- and they've been using illegal organ harvests to extend their lifespans.

Alex shows up while his fangy buds are talking about him. He thinks it would be appropriate to give vampiric immortality to The Illuminati. But they're just too ruthless. Alex's vampire buds thinks he's nuts. In a fit of pique, he throws them out of his house.

Vampires posture by snarling fangs and making animal noises. It may sound dorky, but it's ten times worse when you see it.

The vampire buddies go out and feed a bit indiscriminately, catching the attention of the cops that Alex spirited them all away from several months previous. They decide to call upon the services of Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter. We know he's Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter because (a) the cops say he is, and (b) he has a promotional video that we watch the cops watching.

Alex tells Estelle that he's a vampire, but he wants her father's help to become mortal. Because he's fallen in love, and he cannot be with her unless he's mortal ... or something. That part is implied.

Victor & The Illuminati find out about Alex. Interpol's #1 Vampire Hunter teams up with the cops to kill all the vampires (except Alex), but himself dies in the process.

Estelle's dad discovers that vampirism is like a virus kind of, and just needs to find the perfect antibody in order to cure Alex! The Illuminati intervene, and threaten Serious Unspecific Bad Things unless they're made immortal Real Soon Now.

In a strange double-cross, Alex gives The Illuminati what they want, then teleports their heads to the moon (vampire heads in SPAAAAACE!!!!), where he strands them. We hear them growling in fury as shooting stars streak behind them, oblique to the angle of the earth.

With The Illuminati gone, crime on earth plummets, and people live in peace and harmony. Alex somehow is made mortal. The final shot is a freeze-frame of Estelle which wipes to a freeze-frame of the sun painting with an insert shot of Estelle and Alex nearly kissing.

Martin Kove and Phil Fondacaro play small supporting roles (no pun intended).

I cannot overemphasize the sheer clunkiness of the dialogue and exposition in this movie. My favorite quote is "In the last year, there has been a harmony amongst the people of the world since crime has been at an all-time low since the eradication of the Illuminati" -- although the lyric "You turned your face from morbid shadow" (from the "Immortally Yours" song) runs a very close second place.

There is no earthly (or supernatural) reason why this movie could not air on the Lifetime channel.

3 Smithee Movies That Weren't

2009-11-20T17:36:04Z

Sometimes people ask about movies that we watch which are not Smitheeable. As it turns out, we have three on the plate which I thought I'd do a quick write-up of.

BMX Bandits we watched for tomster0's birthday movie at the beginning of November. It was eventually called on account of Comedy but we had to watch about half of it before we were absolutely sure. As someone quipped, "It's like The Apple Dumpling Gang on bikes" which would have been awesome if the slapstick and Tom Foolery had started immediately. But no. Our villains were pretty competent doing their villain thing while the second story line of kids riding their BMX bikes around town because they didn't have a dedicated park was doing its Kids riding their BMX B…you know what? KRTBMXBATBTDHADP there. Anyway, both stories seemed more action/adventure or drama until our villains meet our heroes. More than half way into the film. Which we had already invested that much time in watching. Arrrgh!

Also, Nicole Kidman does a decent job acting for one of her first times out but her hair? Arrrgh!

Movie 2 was Red Surf which we watched for the Russians because it was as close to something Russian as we could come up with. I mean…Red Surf! It ought to have some communists or algae bloom in it right? Or even surf? Maybe? No. What it did have is George Clooney's character being an absolute prick to the point that we didn't care much what happened to him and he was the main character. It also had Michelle Pfeiffer's baby sister DeDee as the leading lady, which we were excited about because siblings to famous actors are usually a herald for Worst Acting clips. Sadly, DeDee can act. Basically, George runs drugs, DeDee gets preggers, George swears he's going to just do 'This one last deal' and then go straight.

Even sadder than the fact that we hated George Clooney's character (who couldn't even surf so we were robbed 3 times) was that this movie wasn't bad enough for Smithee purposes. It's not great but really? It's solidly mediocre. Le sigh. I so wanted to nominate the "Flunky gets thrown through a trap door to the pit of wolves below" as an ALAS. Literally - Thrown to the Wolves!! The part where Gene Simmons goes all Vietnam vet medieval on the drug lord is grand too.

Moon of the Wolf rounds out our triumvirate of misses this post. It's your standard werewolf terrorizing a small town movie and if you are an astute movie watcher (or crime story follower) it's pretty obvious who the werewolf is long about the end of the first third of the movie. On the other hand, if you are a werewolf (SPOILER!!) malaria is an awesome sickness to use for covering up your condition. Sadly and yet again, Moon of the Wolf stradled that line of Smithee or not to Smithee. It had several good 1 liners, but 1 liners do not a Smithee movie make. It might have a really weak science, possibly, but overall it had nothing. Well, except a werewolf and a fun sheriff who was willing to believe that the town was dealing with something abnormal. Of course if that something has come into your jail and ripped the door off the wall, you pretty much need to think outside of the box or become a wolf snack.

Dinner and a Smithee HO!

2009-11-20T15:51:44Z

Not that kind of ho but a go forth and eat and play games kind of ho. We'll be ho-ing it up this Saturday at The Corner Brewery in Ypsi. We're descending on the joint at 5pm so stop by and say "Hey".

-YFNPN

Double or Nothing

2009-11-20T07:40:18Z

For Your Height Only really wants to be taken seriously as a spy picture. Its main character (Secret Agent 00, played by Weng Weng) is only 2'9" tall, but he has all the trappings of a secret agent. He has the martial arts. He has the gadgets. He has an arch-nemesis. He even has theme music which is sufficiently James Bondlike to be recognizably similar, but not sufficiently James Bondlike to be legally actionable.

A small-time criminal boss has a hit out on a young woman. Secret Agent 00 just happens to be walking past when his men try to kill her. He saved her, and uses her to help take down the criminal boss. This is largely irrelevant to the rest of the film, but it does eat up 15-20 minutes. And it demonstrates that Secret Agent 00 is willing to hide himself in unusual places and crawl around to keep from being spotted. And it introduces him to Irma, the woman he saves.

A criminal operative codenamed "Giant" is moving a lot of drugs. Irma is used as a plant within Giant's organization. Soon, Secret Agent 00 is busting up drug shipments. Giant's men realize there is a mole ... but it takes them a while to figure out who it could be, even though Irma is far from subtly as she places bugs and radio-trackers around the locations where Giant's men meet.

Secret Agent 00 has an array of gadgets. Some of them seemed over the top until I thought of some of the gadgets that Bond gets. With perspective regained, I must say that the "X-ray" glasses that allow 00 to see through fabric actually came in useful for more than a cheap "look at nude women" joke. At one point, 00 was sneaking around, and came to a room with floor-to-ceiling curtains. He put on the glasses, and saw the guys crouching behind the curtains, waiting to kill him. And to the movie's credit, he saw them all naked. Then he shot them.

The best gadgetary sequence is when he used the ~~harness-and-visible-rope~~ jetpack to sneak onto Giant's island. Giant, of course, turned out to be another Very Small Person Indeed, and they waged a martial arts battle as police troops stormed the island.

But in a poignant ending, in the penultimate minute of the film, as 00, Irma, and a random scientist (who was kidnapped in the first minutes of the movie and who I had forgotten about until this point) are escaping from the island, Irma is shot and killed by one of Giant's men -- literally the last bad guy left alive on the island. The final minute of the film is him rushing to her side, and screaming into the warm tropical air, "Irma! IrmAAAAAAAAA!"

Yes, I know.

That darned government!

2009-11-19T04:38:42Z

I read somewhere (imdb?) that The Snow Creature was the first US film to reference the Yeti. I don't know if that's true, but it clearly was before they figured out the successful "Yeti film" formula. Whatever that is.

The plot is pretty basic. A botanical expedition to the Himalayas is hijacked when a mysterious "Yeti" creature steals a Sherpa's wife. Our hero (?) scientist is outraged when the Sherpas call off his climb in order to rescue the woman. But all is made right when they're able to capture a male Yeti (after its mate and child die in a rockslide).

This takes the first 40ish minutes of a 70-minute movie. Not a whole lot of time left for rampage. Our hero (?) gets the beast imported to L.A. under heavy sedation, but the US government intercepts it.

The Department of Immigration insists on holding the Yeti until it can be determined if the Yeti is a sentient being (and under their jurisdiction) or a non-sentient ape-like creature (in which case they'll let it go).

Well, under government guard, it escapes, and goes on a horrific largely-off-camera rampage. They have difficulty tracking it down, until they realize that it's hotter in L.A. than in the Himalayas, and the Yeti must be using the storm drains / catch basins to travel from refrigerated meat warehouse to refrigerated meat warehouse.

Our hero (?) insists that the Yeti be captured alive, but he's too dangerous, and they have to kill him in order to subdue him. The Yeti, that is.

This movie was written by Billy Wilder's nephew, and directed by Billy's older brother. Which just goes to show that talent doesn't necessarily run in the family.

birthday time!

2009-11-17T07:44:58Z

Yes! Another Smithee peep has a birthday today. abbagirl, and it was quite a trick deciding on a movie to watch -- at least until we realized she'd seen Rock of Ages once or twice....

So, her Smithee movie secret ingredient will be (dramatic flourish of cape): Rock'n'Roll Nightmare.

Hey! They Say It's MurphyW's Birthday

2009-11-16T02:58:41Z

So we're watchin' a movie. Dominus e plurbis movicus!

UCon Smithees Recap

2009-11-16T02:52:39Z

It's that time of year again!

Deck! the Halls with Clips of Smithee!
Sound of Thun der, no / chu pa ca bra
Try! to think of rhymes so pithy!
God zil la, Cat Man, / Roll er Blade Two.

But seriously. The Smithee Primaries went off relatively hitch-free. We can prove it! See?
Pictures!

Stalker Ty! All the way from Ohio! It was unseasonably warm which nixed any snow excuse for not being at UCon, so he came. YAY Ty! (Look out StalkerPatti, Ty is one up on you!)

But then it was time for the show. We had 25 people at our peak
voting attendance (and probably as many as 30 different bodies, but
The Earl neglected his usual Unique Brain Count), and 13 tickets.
It's definitely a high score for tickets.

We started off with the disclaimer, then it was on to Most Ludicrous
Premise! As per what has become Standard U*CON Operating Procedure,
we had each audience member vote for their two favorite clips. A lot
of Smithee Sequels this year, but they did not all fare well.

1) Most Ludicrous Premise. A definite crowd favorite (Exterminator
City), and two solid runners-up (Godzilla vs Biollante, Roller Blade
Warriors: Taken by Force). 39 votes.

2) The Oblivious Award. Two crowd favorites with no strong runners-up
(Godzilla vs Biollante, Catman in Boxer's Blow). 34 votes.

3) Wanna Run That By Me Again? We're picking up speed. One clip
moderately preferred (Nude For Satan), and a handful of secondaries.
30 votes. What's going on? Oh, right! Sid Meier is Guest of Honor,
and we were up against him for a big chunk of the front half of the
show....

4) Worst Special Effect. One crowd fave (Exterminator City), two
strong runners-up (Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women,
Alien Seed). It's important to note that Voyage to the Planet of the
Prehistoric Women is not the same film as Voyage to the Prehistoric
Planet, although they both bought the same footage from the Soviet
(remember them?) film Planeta Burg. 32 votes.

5) Alas, Poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite
jest, but no clear crowd favorite (10 votes, 9 votes, 8 votes). 32
votes.

6) Deus Ex Machina. Two strong favorites (Dragon Wars, A Sound of
Thunder). No strong runners-up, although one of them did
result in an audience member saying, "oh, boo!" In our hearts, that
was worth an extra few votes. On the paper, not so much. 28 votes.

7) Stupidest-Looking Monster. A strong lead (Nude For Satan), and
several riding close behind. What sort of monster might be in a movie
called "Nude For Satan"? I'll give you a hint: it looks like a
potato, but isn't! 32 votes.

8) Worst Science. Only three different movies in the five clips for
this category. The strong winner (Godzilla vs Biollante) lead an
equally-less-popular group of runners-up. 30 votes, but they had to
take Godzilla out of the microwave and turn him halfway through
cooking.

9) Best One-Liner. Happiness, but also sadness. Happiness because we
had two strong audience preferences (Zombie Honeymoon, Wishmaster 2).
Sadness because we also had two clips bite the big goose egg (Night of
the Sharks, Dragon Wars). 33 votes.

10) Worst Cover Copy. Six nominees, one of which marked the return of
the dreaded Iguana. One strong favorite (Bruce Lee Fights Back From
The Grave), and a ludicrous logjam (6 votes, 6 votes, 6 votes, 5
votes). Then Iguana with 3. Alas, Iguana. 36 votes.

11) Cutting Butter with a Chainsaw. The Guru was asked if he would
ever cut butter with a chainsaw live on stage. He demurred, because
his chainsaw is electric. Wait, which category is this again? Two
strong favorites (She-Devils on Wheels, Bruce Lee Fights Back From the
Grave), two strong-ish runners-up, and two weaker clips. 42 votes.
Obviously the Sid Meier talk is over. Just in time for....

11.5) Intermission! A quick trick downstairs for some diet carbonated
beverages to wash down the chum bucket candy and the bacon bars, then
it was onward! onward! onward! to

12) Inane Dialogue. Two really strong clips (Godzilla vs Biollante,
Fury of the Wolfman -- both of the "No Shit" variety), and three
laggards (4 votes, 2 votes, 1 vote). 42 votes.

13) Whoops! Three fairly strong clips (Mars, Roller Blade Warriors:
Taken by Force, Night of the Lepus), and two weak ones. 42 votes.
Best part of the "Night of the Lepus" clip is that nobody recognized
DeForest Kelley until he started speaking, then the crowd gave a
collective intake of breath. 42 votes.

14) WHAT?! The preferred clip (5 Lady Venoms) only got 1/3 of the
overall vote total. Four other clips took the rest of the votes (8
votes, 7 votes, 7 votes, 6 votes). The non-preferred "5 Lady Venoms"
clip pulled none. Our last goose egg of the evening. I leave the
total vote count as an exercise for the interested observer.

15) Acting Appropriately Stupid. Four moderately strong clips, and
one very sad clip indeed ("The Lawless Land" thanks you for your vote,
whoever you are). 42 votes.

16) Let's Up the Rating to "R". To pique up your interest before
category 17 crushes your soul flat. Three fairly strong clips (5 Lady
Venoms, Exterminator City, Nude For Satan), one slightly farther back
in the pack, and two sad weaklings. Two of these clips began their
respective movies. One person's ballot was marked with the comment
"Who has public hair these days?" A philosopher? A zen master? A
buddy of the Guru's from his younger days? Who can say? 44 votes.

17) Crummiest Ending. Two preferred clips (Exterminator City, Nude
For Satan), three middling, and 1 vote for a nonexistent clip. A
philosopher? A zen master? Who can say? I thought this category was
long enough with "merely" 5 clips. The greatly feared "Iguana" again
came in last of the extant clips. 46 votes.

18) Worst Acting. So often this category is Worst Actress, and while
the crowd did "prefer" a woman again (Betty Connell from She-Devils on
Wheels), both strong second-place contenders were men (Steven Blade
and Jsu Garcia). Another vote for a nonexistent 6. A philosopher?
Who can say? 46 votes.

19) Worst Picture. A favorite, two strong contenders, two weak
contenders. Nothing but net. 48 votes. Why the extra 2? Who can
say?

After cleaning up the room and clearing out, we had traditional
Booz'n'Food at Pizza House. We discussed food allergens.

It was decided that the perfect Garnish in this context was ragweed.

Tonight, we ask "why"

2009-11-12T03:33:56Z

Or at least "Y"

At this point, I (badmovie) have at least two movies for each letter of the alphabet. Except the letter "Y". Please discuss/suggest/offer potential Smithee movies that begin with the letter "Y."

We have already done The Yin and the Yang of Mr. Go, and Yor, the Hunter from the Future. I know about the Yonggary series of films, but have yet to dig one up. And I know that my local Video Watch has a copy of Ypotron. Otherwise, I am ignorant! Please, share....

Remember Last Year When Y'all Voted at UCon?

2009-11-10T14:07:52Z

This year you can do it again! But with different clips so it'll seem like a totally new show. Because it is.

The fun starts this Saturday at U-Con with the first ever (in Michigan) Smithee Awards Card Game: Schlock. It's a lot of fun and we have..."prizes". Stop by Saturday, 12:00pm - 3:00pm to play or to just hang out because Schlock is a lot of fun to watch (but more fun to play!). Room ~~TBD~~ UClub 16.

In the evening, 7pm to be precise, you can catch the Smithee 19 primaries in (~~I think~~ Confirmed! I looked it up) the Wolverine Room. We've been there the past several years so I'm taking a stab and calling it for this year. If not, sinage will direct you to the proper room. We know from signs here at Smitheeland. Anyway!

Saturday, November 14th
U-Con at the Michigan Union
(intersection of South University and State Street)
12pm - 3pm - Schlock: The Smithee Awards Card Game
7pm - midnightish: The Smithee Primaries.

Keep your eyes open

2009-11-08T05:14:58Z

but please don't keep them peeled.

Er ... the point! Should anyone happen to spot Jones Soda Tofurkey-and-Gravy locally, please let us know. We would love to bring you some of this delightful ... treasure ... but would rather not pay to have it shipped from Jones Soda in Seattle.

Now, carry on.

More Birthday Movies of a Sort

2009-11-07T23:05:55Z

To our die-hard Russian LJ friends poputchik_ru, l33thax0r and madkoder who have stuck it out for several years (bravo!) we watch for you: Red Surf. I think last year we decided on Halloween as the collective Russian Birthday Date, since none of them list an actual birthday, but the Earl though today would be an even better date. Heh.

Enough chatter! Movie time!

That's quite an overgrown gorilla you have there in your pocket.

2009-11-07T04:54:26Z

This is one of those movies that I discovered through the Something Weird film trailer DVD (along with The Godmonster of Indian Flats), as it had one of those scenes that made me sit up on the couch and take notes.

In the case of The Mighty Gorga, that scene was a fight between a "giant" goggle-eyed gorilla costume and the World's Worst Dinosaur Costume.

To my surprise, when I finally got around to watching the movie (available on DVD with One Million AC/DC, which is not a Smithee movie, but is entertaining ("Tragedy ... is happening!") nonetheless), there was more of a plot than I expected. While this is faint praise, The Mighty Gorga should take what praise it can get.

Mark Remington's circus is slowly going bankrupt. He's visited by an agent from Consolidated Circus with a buy-out offer, but Mark won't sell to them. Consolidated has been locking up all the high-drawing circus acts into long-term contracts, and relentlessly driving small circuses out of business. Unfortunately for Mark, Consolidated has purchased his bank note, so he can't even go bankrupt without them winning.

His wild animal trapper in Africa (Tonga Jack Adams) told him about an "overgrown gorilla" once, and Mark is desperate enough to take what cash he has remaining, and mount an expedition (a very moderate expedition) to Africa -- to capture the beast, and return it to civilization!

When Mark gets to Africa, Tonga Jack has disappeared, but his daughter (April Adams) knows that her father disappeared while hunting ... a giant gorilla!

Tonga Jack's old business partner (Dan Morgan) tries to muscle April out of her father's business ... but she's not selling! He holds her bank note, though, and threatens to make things difficult for her ... until Mark buys him out. The $6,000 won't make a difference to him, but he needs her in order to possibly find this "overgrown gorilla."

To make a long trek-through-the-jungle short, they climb to a high plateau, and discover large purple eggs. Large warm purple eggs. Dinosaur eggs! In an appalling greenscreen sequence that you're certain to see in a future Smithee Awards, they're menaced by the mother. She then is beaten down by The Mighty Gorga in the scene which convinced me to buy the DVD.

The Mighty Gorga is, indeed, overgrown. He's also slightly cross-eyed, and one iris is ringed with white, while the other is not, giving him a slightly-concussed look throughout the movie.

Our heroes are captured by native people, rescued by Tonga Jack (who has been kept hostage as the tribe's medicine man ever since he cured the chief's son of malaria with some quinine tablets), and barely escape the plateau when the volcano underneath erupts.

Sadly, the whole plateau is destroyed. Fortunately, they find some treasure on their way off the plateau. They keep referring to it as The Treasure of King Solomon for no reason that I was ever able to discern. Unfortunately, Dan Adams is waiting for them before they can re-enter civilization. He's intent to waylay them, kill them all, and take the treasure for his own.

If only The Mighty Gorga had somehow survived the volcanic explosion, and just happened to show up in time to wipe a smudge off the greenscreen (where Dan happened to be standing).

Ah, if only.