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Garbage In Smithees Out

Smithee Awards Birthday Movie Number One (and no percent dead)

You picked it, we watched it and now we're all wondering what the heck was 99 and 44/100% dead. Did anybody get strung up for supposed cattle rustling and left to die? Nope. Did anyone get shot at, set on fire and crunchered in a metal squishy device and STILL keep on coming? Nope. OooOoooOooo! I got it! Someone was a skilled assassin but suffered amnesia when a job went wrong! Ahhhh…nope.

The answer is…I think this movie got someone else's title. Somewhere, someone is watching a horror/drama movie where the hero is a bubbling mutilated corpse that Will! Not! Die! and they are trying to figure out what's so "Mafia Wars of New York" about it.

This movie is about an up and coming Crime boss, Big Eddie, of the NYC underworld who is successfully muscling in on the established Crime boss Uncle Frankie's territory. Uncle Frankie isn't doing well at all, in fact the local bookie gives the incumbent 5 to 8 odds (which still isn't 99 and 44/100% of anything) but then Uncle Frankie has an ace up his sleeve. Uncle Frankie has the clout to call on Harry Crown, hit man extraordinaire (Richard Harris), to come help him out (Movie factoid! One of the alternate titles for this project is indeed Call Harry Crown which makes a lot more sense). Of course Big Eddie also has a hit man (Chuck Connors) so things don't go exactly swimmingly for Harry when he comes back to his old haunts.

Speaking of swimming, the best part of the film was the sort of endcapping travelogue diorama of "things that get sent into the East River". Apparently, it's a whole festival of people in cement shoes, contraband and other things that either needed to get dumped in a hurry or were dumped as a message. The East River is also surprisingly clean with a cheery background rag time music ambiance. When you pay for Henry Mancini to do your music, by gosh you get Henry Mancini. This has nothing to do with Harry but you know *someone* is going to end up in the bottom of the river before the film is done.

In fact, you know a lot about this film before anything happens. Will Harry kindle the love spark with his old flame? Will there be a misunderstanding between old flame and new vixen? Will said flame come to some harm because of Harry? Will Harry's assassin padawan get his assassin jedi spurs at the end of the flick? Will David Caruso eventually find acting inspiration in Harry Crown's eyeglass wear? Will there be a climactic fight between Harry and Big Eddie's crack shot hired hit man in a laundry facility? OK, we didn't guess the laundry facility exactly but you can see where we felt like we were practically writing the movie before it happened. I can't say any of the flick caught any of us by surprise.

Badmovie did a little poking around and discovered that not only did Ann Turkel, the old flame, wind up marrying Richard Harris just after this movie, she was nominated for a Golden Globe for her acting. I have to wonder if all the other actresses that year were positively horrific because all I can say about Ann's acting is that it was the least stoned performance of any of the girls on film. Hmmm, if the title were 99 and 44/100% stoned that might explain something.

1 film down, 7 more films to watch and review! Yes, we've decided to watch them all because we are that crazy (and we really kind of want to see them). Next up: Howling III: The Marsupials.


It doesn't sound quite bad enough.
It was high end Smitheeable. I think we got a couple decent Alases, Perhaps an overkill and maybe an AAS. The acting was no Anna Nicole but then again, it wasn't what I'd call Golden Globe-esque either. Maybe they were nominating awards for stoner method acting that year.

If it had been called "Call Harry Crown" I'm positively sure we wouldn't have looked twice at it.
Ah, yes, a mob movie would contain scenes worthy of the death awards. Carry on then.