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Movies We're Watchin'

What Sort of Impact Did This Birthday Movie Have?

We're jumping ahead slightly in recapping so I don't forget all the "awesome" of this Smithee Awards birthday movie. As voted on by y'all, we watched third ranked (requested) Smithee Birthday Movie Post Impact, a project (not)starring Dean Cain.

Before we watched this, I read through the imdb comments such as user poloele's, "The acting is abysmal and makes cardboard characters look lively. The plot is confused and harebrained. Don't waste your life in front of the TV, go outside, to the beach, shopping, do your laundry, just do something other than watch this movie, pretty much ANYTHING is better." or the comment by user Jerr who said, "The truth is I can't summarize the movie. In fact, I really don't know what the movie was all about." even user kobusl who titled their review: 'I feel like I was cheated out of 90 minutes of my life.' I was giddy with excitement over the anticipation of some horrific acting and absurd F/X not to mention "probably the most unnecessary sex scene I have EVER seen in a movie (counting late night adult dramas)" (props to kobusl again). So lunargeography and I fired up the DVD player, got a plate of munchies and prepared ourselves to be awed by the badness.

Ummm. OK, see this is where I believe hours and hours of watching bad movies toughens one up because the acting? Not as bad as we were braced for. Sure it wasn't great but we've seen and suffered through the Pith Helmet Guy in G.I. Executioner (who got robbed imho. Foo! Mae! Lee!), Richard Davalos in Legacy of Blood (…and the HATE!) and who could forget Anna Nicole wanting to be excused for 'b'lieving in Sunday walks in the park and BayBees'? Compared to those fine thespians, the acting in Post Impact is actually pretty good. We couldn't even cull a worst acting clip that could stand to go one round against what we've already seen so far for Smithee…20? 21? I have lost track.

On the other hand, the "special" F/X, science, and that "most unnecessary sex scene"? Gold, BabE! But first, let me synop the movie for you so we can be on even footing. Post Impact, while indeed containing a catastrophic meteorological event (actually a cometological event but picky picky), would have probably been better named Oh Crap, the Last One Out of Berlin Forgot to Turn Off the Killer Satellite. Yes there was An! Event! but it's really pretty much a backdrop excuse to make god-awful snowy CGI effects. Plague or nuclear holocaust would have worked just as well for how little we really got to see any Post Impact impact.

Anyhow, just before the impact Dean Cain accidentally got on the last transport out of Berlin and left his family behind. He's been trying to get back ever since. Three years later, the military funded "alternate energy" satellite project that originally shot the comet into 5 Northern Europe shattering pieces has been activated again. This wouldn't be such a problem if the only people with the killer satellite command codes were supposed to have died in Berlin after the climate change made the region an icy wasteland. There is also the incidences of the killer energy beam zapping air traffic out of the sky and threatening the new capital city so something's got to be done.

The current government, the New United Northern States (yes, N.U.N.S. You have a problem with them it?), decides to put together a strike team to check things out before their capital is fried. The roster includes: A badass ex-SAS chick, the daughter of the Killer Satellite's designer (who probably should maybe sort of remember the satellite's command codes. Plus, she's hot), a lot of other people who are going to get killed off, and Dean Cain with his dog. They go in, the plot twists a little to the left, then a little to the right but does not stand up, sit down nor fight, fight, fight.

Finally, after a Terminator-esque struggle, the bad guy is deposed and the good guys "remember" the satellite's command codes. They reprogram the Killer Satellite to give off low level happy microwaves and boil the cloud cover away, resetting the climate to something more hospitable. Oh yes. They did.

All in all, this movie wasn't terrible. Their science was pretty stinky: Hows a-come they don't realize the comet had hit some space junk and altered course until it's less than a day out? It's not like they looked up and "Hey! Comet!", they've been tracking it for some time. I would bet that if Haley's comet hit some space junk and had its trajectory changed we'd know about it way before it was burning up in the atmosphere. I'm just sayin. Also, it's -50 C out and nobody wears face protection. My preliminary Google-Fu says that flesh freezes in about a minute at -44 degrees C but whatever. We were also amused by the liquidy water cooler in the ice tunnel which would have had to been filled with either clear antifreeze or (better) vodka to remain in such a state. We put our heads together and unanimously decided it was a 5 gallon vodka dispenser because how cool would that be? The F/X are pretty bad but also kinda amusing while we all lusted after that shower room in the N.U.N.S. barracks. It puts the Got in Gothic and totally shames anything the Harry Potter movies have ever come up with. Plus, most unnecessary sex scene. Win-Win!

Don't believe everything you read on the intertubes. Except us, of course.