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anonymous maq

Orca, The Killer Whale!

Call me Talks With Exposition.  I bring you a tale of a man and a whale, of greed, stupidity and revenge.  A tale that tries really, really hard to not be a rip-off of Jaws.

Richard Harris is a man called "Whale".  Er.  Wait, that's not right. (checks notes) Nolan! That's his name.  He's a grizzled ship captain, trying to make big money by capturing a Great White Shark for an aquarium.  His plans are foiled when the shark he's hunting goes after a pair of whale researchers.  The whale being researched doesn't much care for this, and rams the shark at about Mach 3, blowing it completely out of the water and killing it instantly. The young, stupid grad-student type whose life was just saved we promptly dubbed "Bait Boy."

Captain Nolan is very impressed by this and starts pumping Dr. Bedford (the Attractive Female Scientist and narrator of the flick) for information about killer whales.  She tells him a lot before belatedly realizing that A) he's clumsily hitting on her and B) he intends to try to capture an Orca.

He ignores the good advice she gives him (i.e. "Just don't. On both counts.") and goes hunting.  His cunning plan fails.  Badly.  He accidentally kills off the pregnant mate of the biggest, meanest, smartest Orca in the whole North Atlantic. This Orca beats the hell out of his ship, kills one of his crew, then swims away to plot revenge.

Nolan heads back to port to get his ship fixed up, then refuses to head out again - possibly the first smart thing he's done all movie.  He's having flashbacks about how his pregnant wife was killed by a drunk driver, so now he's all full of sympathy for the Orca.  A bit late for that.

Unfortunately, nobody wants him hanging around their port.  The wise medicine man Umilak (aka Talks With Exposition) tells him that the Orca will be hunting him.  The fishermen of the town agree.  People shun him, like he's got a Scarlet Orca stitched to his jacket...  Nolan scoffs at their superstition for a while, but they're soon proven correct.

First, the schools of fish vanish from the usual fishing grounds.  Then people spot an Orca fin whenever they go out on the water.  Then the Orca comes into the harbor and smashes every boat but Nolan's.  Then the whale burns down half the town.  That's one seriously vengeful pyromaniac whale.

Eventually, the Orca knocks over Nolan's house and bites off the leg of the least annoying member of his crew.  This finally gets Nolan and his last crewmember to come back on the water, along with the Attractive Female Scientist, Talks With Exposition and (reappearing after vanishing for almost the whole movie) Bait Boy.

The Orca then spends an inordinate amount of time luring him up the coast of Newfoundland and into the polar ice, leading one of your Smithee viewers to comment, "Suddenly it's Frankenstein?"

Eventually the Orca gets tired of picking off the crew of the ship one by one and rams the whole thing with an iceberg.  Having killed everyone but the Attractive Female Scientist, the Orca then swims off under the ice cap to die.

...And now you don't have to watch it.


The Guru says, "And thus, you may be seeing this as a What?!? later on." Also, he says that the whale burned down the town vengefully, but I think he just wanted to show up the Talking Heads.

In a more realistic answer the orca is really good at ramming stuff.
this. is. glorious.

Too Late: Saw It in Theaters

I was a kid in the 70's, already well on my way to being twisted into the Bad Movie Fiend I am today. This may be a primary contributing factor.