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Anon Ballot Cuties

Double-dipping on a fine June evening

So even though we chose this as an option for the smithee_awards birthday movie, it was the pseudo-submission from Head Ballot Bimbo. And since yesterday was her birthday, it was the movie that we chose to watch.

Take one part The Breakfast Club, two parts The X-Files, and one part Flight of the Navigator, add ice, shake heartily (stirring bruises the MK Ultra), strain through finely-chopped Mark Hamill, and you've got yourself a glass of tasty Laserhawk.

That's the oddest thing about this movie. Somehow these elements all work together(-ish), and they pull out a (moderately-)entertaining movie. The whole is less than the sum of its parts, but not a lot less. And Mark Hamill is great.

It begins millions of years in the past, with some incomprehensible voice-over work, and a space battle. One spaceship crashes, and we cut to present-day small-town Wisconsin.

Our hero (played by the kid who freed Willy in all those movies) is a high-school loner. In a desperate bid for attention, he fakes a UFO encounter. Unfortunately, the government debunks his video (stupid government!), and he is no longer cool. But he is approached by Moderately Hot Loner Girl, and they strike up an acquaintance. This deepens when everyone else in their podunk little town is actually abducted by aliens ... aliens whose space ships look suspiciously like those from a comic book written & drawn by an artist named ... MK Ultra!

They hunt down MK. His comic is taken from the accounts of a local crazy guy (Mark Hamill's "Bob"). Except since the aliens are real, apparently Bob isn't crazy after all. Bob really is the incarnation of an alien energy being ... and the two kids are as well!

The four of them set off to mysterious coordinates in search of ... They Know Not What. Turns out that it's an Air Force base, where the (good) alien's 250-million-year-old ship is currently impounded.

Because the invasion is coming. The bad aliens are sort-of robot spider aliens (arachnoids rather than arachnids) that use humans for food. They're so long-range in their planning that they seeded life on Earth, just so that a quarter-billion years later they could harvest us. And that kind of forward-thinking alien species is going to be put off by a couple of n00bs in an old spaceship?

Apparently so.