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one margarita film

A movie which sucks, literally

Ah, it's alessar's birthday today. I know that he's 12! I'm just not certain in which base he is 12.

Sadly, House of Usher is not currently available on (as they used to call it) home video. Instead, we sat ourselves down in front of a different film directed by David DeCoteau ... Leeches!

This movie had all the classic hallmarks of a David DeCoteau film: loving shots of muscular early-20s men wandering around primarily shirtless, very little cast apart from these men, an almost-ruthlessly-nonspecific geographic setting, and boxer briefs. Although truly, I could have stopped with the loving shots of muscular early-20s men wandering around primarily shirtless. That's the single hallmark of a classic DDC film.

In this film, these men are the local college's swim team. The swimmers have been taking steroids. They go off to a local party at "the river," and a few of them emerge with attached leeches. They pull the leeches off each other in the shower room, and kick them down the drain.

Giant steroid leeches emerge a few scenes later. Some terrorizin' happens. One of the team's top swimmers takes a mega-dose of steroids, gets drunk, and jumps into the river. He emerges covered with normal-sized leeches. They suck him to death, and more giant steroid leeches come to be. There is even a mysterious cocoon in the men's locker room that is never really explained.

Unfortunately, the leeches don't quite get all the blood in his body, and a local (doctor? scientist? dean?) female person is able to run some tox screens. She tells the swim coach about the steroids, and he orders his swimmers ... to be damn sure they can pass a drug test during Spring Break.

So, the swimmers dump their steroids down the shower drain in the shower room. Because there just weren't enough giant steroid leeches. At this point, the leeches are bold enough to start attacking people out of the water (actually, the giant sock puppets leeches have been doing so all along).

Luckily, the entire campus seems to be deserted except for the swim team and their girlfriends (Spring Break, remember?). When a leech attack in a shower leads the survivors to discover that leeches are vulnerable to electrocution (thanks to a convenient hairdryer), our surviving heroes Scientific Swimmer and Shy Chick are able to devise a cunning plan to lure the leeches into the school's pool using Steve-O (our least favorite character) as bait!

My favorite moment? When the swim coach is tied up and being menaced by a giant leech, and he eats the leech in order to super-charge his body with steroids so that he can burst free of the ropes holding him captive.

Oh yeah, you'll be seeing this one in some future Smithee Awards. Oh yeah.