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beware of that fucker!

UCon Smithees Recap

It's that time of year again!

Deck! the Halls with Clips of Smithee!
Sound of Thun der, no / chu pa ca bra
Try! to think of rhymes so pithy!
God zil la, Cat Man, / Roll er Blade Two.

But seriously. The Smithee Primaries went off relatively hitch-free. We can prove it! See?

Stalker Ty! All the way from Ohio! It was unseasonably warm which nixed any snow excuse for not being at UCon, so he came. YAY Ty! (Look out StalkerPatti, Ty is one up on you!)

But then it was time for the show. We had 25 people at our peak
voting attendance (and probably as many as 30 different bodies, but
The Earl neglected his usual Unique Brain Count), and 13 tickets.
It's definitely a high score for tickets.

We started off with the disclaimer, then it was on to Most Ludicrous
Premise! As per what has become Standard U*CON Operating Procedure,
we had each audience member vote for their two favorite clips. A lot
of Smithee Sequels this year, but they did not all fare well.

1) Most Ludicrous Premise. A definite crowd favorite (Exterminator
City), and two solid runners-up (Godzilla vs Biollante, Roller Blade
Warriors: Taken by Force). 39 votes.

2) The Oblivious Award. Two crowd favorites with no strong runners-up
(Godzilla vs Biollante, Catman in Boxer's Blow). 34 votes.

3) Wanna Run That By Me Again? We're picking up speed. One clip
moderately preferred (Nude For Satan), and a handful of secondaries.
30 votes. What's going on? Oh, right! Sid Meier is Guest of Honor,
and we were up against him for a big chunk of the front half of the

4) Worst Special Effect. One crowd fave (Exterminator City), two
strong runners-up (Voyage to the Planet of the Prehistoric Women,
Alien Seed). It's important to note that Voyage to the Planet of the
Prehistoric Women is not the same film as Voyage to the Prehistoric
Planet, although they both bought the same footage from the Soviet
(remember them?) film Planeta Burg. 32 votes.

5) Alas, Poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite
jest, but no clear crowd favorite (10 votes, 9 votes, 8 votes). 32

6) Deus Ex Machina. Two strong favorites (Dragon Wars, A Sound of
Thunder). No strong runners-up, although one of them did
result in an audience member saying, "oh, boo!" In our hearts, that
was worth an extra few votes. On the paper, not so much. 28 votes.

7) Stupidest-Looking Monster. A strong lead (Nude For Satan), and
several riding close behind. What sort of monster might be in a movie
called "Nude For Satan"? I'll give you a hint: it looks like a
potato, but isn't! 32 votes.

8) Worst Science. Only three different movies in the five clips for
this category. The strong winner (Godzilla vs Biollante) lead an
equally-less-popular group of runners-up. 30 votes, but they had to
take Godzilla out of the microwave and turn him halfway through

9) Best One-Liner. Happiness, but also sadness. Happiness because we
had two strong audience preferences (Zombie Honeymoon, Wishmaster 2).
Sadness because we also had two clips bite the big goose egg (Night of
the Sharks, Dragon Wars). 33 votes.

10) Worst Cover Copy. Six nominees, one of which marked the return of
the dreaded Iguana. One strong favorite (Bruce Lee Fights Back From
The Grave), and a ludicrous logjam (6 votes, 6 votes, 6 votes, 5
votes). Then Iguana with 3. Alas, Iguana. 36 votes.

11) Cutting Butter with a Chainsaw. The Guru was asked if he would
ever cut butter with a chainsaw live on stage. He demurred, because
his chainsaw is electric. Wait, which category is this again? Two
strong favorites (She-Devils on Wheels, Bruce Lee Fights Back From the
Grave), two strong-ish runners-up, and two weaker clips. 42 votes.
Obviously the Sid Meier talk is over. Just in time for....

11.5) Intermission! A quick trick downstairs for some diet carbonated
beverages to wash down the chum bucket candy and the bacon bars, then
it was onward! onward! onward! to

12) Inane Dialogue. Two really strong clips (Godzilla vs Biollante,
Fury of the Wolfman -- both of the "No Shit" variety), and three
laggards (4 votes, 2 votes, 1 vote). 42 votes.

13) Whoops! Three fairly strong clips (Mars, Roller Blade Warriors:
Taken by Force, Night of the Lepus), and two weak ones. 42 votes.
Best part of the "Night of the Lepus" clip is that nobody recognized
DeForest Kelley until he started speaking, then the crowd gave a
collective intake of breath. 42 votes.

14) WHAT?! The preferred clip (5 Lady Venoms) only got 1/3 of the
overall vote total. Four other clips took the rest of the votes (8
votes, 7 votes, 7 votes, 6 votes). The non-preferred "5 Lady Venoms"
clip pulled none. Our last goose egg of the evening. I leave the
total vote count as an exercise for the interested observer.

15) Acting Appropriately Stupid. Four moderately strong clips, and
one very sad clip indeed ("The Lawless Land" thanks you for your vote,
whoever you are). 42 votes.

16) Let's Up the Rating to "R". To pique up your interest before
category 17 crushes your soul flat. Three fairly strong clips (5 Lady
Venoms, Exterminator City, Nude For Satan), one slightly farther back
in the pack, and two sad weaklings. Two of these clips began their
respective movies. One person's ballot was marked with the comment
"Who has public hair these days?" A philosopher? A zen master? A
buddy of the Guru's from his younger days? Who can say? 44 votes.

17) Crummiest Ending. Two preferred clips (Exterminator City, Nude
For Satan), three middling, and 1 vote for a nonexistent clip. A
philosopher? A zen master? Who can say? I thought this category was
long enough with "merely" 5 clips. The greatly feared "Iguana" again
came in last of the extant clips. 46 votes.

18) Worst Acting. So often this category is Worst Actress, and while
the crowd did "prefer" a woman again (Betty Connell from She-Devils on
Wheels), both strong second-place contenders were men (Steven Blade
and Jsu Garcia). Another vote for a nonexistent 6. A philosopher?
Who can say? 46 votes.

19) Worst Picture. A favorite, two strong contenders, two weak
contenders. Nothing but net. 48 votes. Why the extra 2? Who can

After cleaning up the room and clearing out, we had traditional
Booz'n'Food at Pizza House. We discussed food allergens.

It was decided that the perfect Garnish in this context was ragweed.


Oh godDAMMIT!!! Now I gotta haul ass down to Ohio to tie back up with Ty! (is anyone else thinking of Caddyshack right now??)
I slept straight through the evening/night, although at one point I woke up to pee at like 1am and did think fondly of you all at Pizza House. Then I peed and crawled back into bed.
I actually feel worse now that I went to school today. Half of the kids were coughing all over me, so I'm sure we swapped germs.
Fo shizzle though, let's do a dinner/movie night!!!!!


I somehow thought that Night of the Lepus had already been in the Smithees. It hasn't been. That must mean... I was wrong!

Also, I didn't realize there were round tables at Pizza House.

I, too, vote for a dinner and Smithee night soon, especially if it occurs while I'm in town (11/24, or perhaps 11/27?).

-Sean K.