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iron chef smithee

Demonicus Stew

Good day and welcome to Dinner of a Movie. I'm your guest host The Smithee Ninja and today we will be making Demonicus stew. To start off, you will need the following ingredients:

1 Alps. You may substitute in a California but it will alter the taste of the stew slightly.
4 or 5 couples. The quantity doesn't matter as much as the quality; be sure to pick only the most annoying ones.
1 Virgin. If your virgin is part of your couples, reserve him or her for later monster plot.
1 Etruscan god; vengeful.
1 cursed gladiator outfit. It is best to go to the established movie houses for this one but on a budget, your local Walmart and some touch-up paint will do.
1 desiccated Etruscan Gladiator
1 conveniently large cauldron.

Place your couples randomly in your plot to make sure they don't converge too soon. Your first couple should contain one annoying, whiny, overly unlikable member so that nobody has any regrets about them getting skewered right off the bat. It helps if the second person of the couple is both curious and stupid enough to put on the cursed gladiator outfit and do the deed themselves. Weak willed is a bonus as then they won't fight their natural urge to kill the annoying whiner. Carve up the first victim and place the arms, legs and head in a large cauldron. Simmer.

Allow the other couples, in any order, to arrive at the Vengeful Etruscan God cave one by one. Your cursed desiccated gladiator armor wearing possessed character can kill them off more easily this way which allows the stew to season. Chop off any heads, arms and legs and throw them in the pot, stirring occasionally with a large spoon.

Reserve your virgin in chains until later. All the couples must be chopped up and put in the pot before adding the virgin. You will want to choose a virgin who knows nothing about ancient peoples and gods because this will lessen the chance that the virgin escapes and knows how to spoil the stew. If you happen to get a knowledgeable virgin, watch them carefully.

When all the couples have been dismembered and their limbs and heads simmering for about a day, it is time to add the blood of the virgin. This will bring life to the desiccated gladiator and bring back the Vengeful Etruscan god. If you happen to have the misfortune of picking a knowledgeable virgin and they defeat your possessed character, your stew is probably ruined. It is unfortunate but about the only thing you can do is drop a pile of rocks on your virgin and start over.