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anonymous kph

A Bedtime Story with Uncle Earl

Gather 'round, my children, while I tell you a story of the man they called Dolemite. This story is of his time as a one-man natural disaster -- the state that they call The Human Tornado. He is a whirling vortex of kick-your-ass-with-his-fist-insult-your-mama-with-his-mouth. And speaking of your mama, there are words in this story that you don't want to repeat to her.

There are two words that crop up an awful lot in this story. One is a twelve-letter word (one of George Carlin's original "Seven Dirty Words") that is typically abbreviated MF. The other is a six-letter word that starts with the letter N, and which I will translate to "Dark Folks" in order to spare your tender sensibilities.

Ready? Okay! We start out with a party at a big house on top of a hill. Everything should be okay, right? After all, this is a party at Dolemite's house! But no, everything is not okay. A couple of rednecks spot the merrymaking:
"Look at those people carrying on!"
"Those aren't people!  They's Dark Folks!"

So they contact Sheriff Cracker Beatty, who rounds up a posse. He and his cronies bust up the party like hicks on a power trip. They burst into the master bedroom, only to see Dolemite is having congress with a mighty-familiar-looking woman. It's the Sheriff's wife!

The session of congress abruptly adjourns, and the Sheriff orders his Deputy to evict both Dolemite and his wife from the chamber ... with a shotgun.

The Sheriff's wife's objection is overruled by the Deputy's shotgun, but Dolemite raises a lethal point-of-order with his handy bedside pistol. Unfortunately, there are way too many rednecks with guns about, so Dolemite is forced to flee out the window. Naked.

He leaps over a low hedge and rolls down a hill (giving us all an unexpected peek at little Rudy Ray). He climbs into a car driven by a few friends of his that escaped the Sheriff's posse.

They lure the pursuing police car into an ambush, where they blow it up by sacrificing their own car. At this point in the movie, we had six appearances of the MF word, and figured to be on target for an even hundred or so.

But, alas, it is not to be. In the middle of Dolemite and his crew walking to town, we get a strange credit sequence which began with Dolemite running away from the camera while wearing a cape that reads "RUDY RAY MOORE as DOLEMITE" ... and hey! One of his buddies is played by Ernie Hudson, about ten years pre-Ghostbusters.

This has ruined our string of profanities, as does the next fifteen minutes of movie, consisting partially of Dolemite's nightclub act, and partially of other nightclub acts, as he works his way across the country, trying to reach Queen Bee's. You might remember from the first Dolemite movie (Dolemite) that Queen Bee ran a karate school for young women. She has apparently graduated to "high class."

In fact, she's so high class that the local Mafia boss (Cavaletti) sends a few thugs to break up her place and kidnap a few of her girls. That way he can force her to close down, which will (presumably) send more paying customers to his own nightclub.

Dolemite and his pals discover that Queen Bee's is closed, but there is nobody around to question. So they head off to her house, where a helpful neighbor out watering his lawn tells them that nobody has been seen at Queen Bee's for a day or so.

They decide to scour the city's nightclub acts in order to find somebody who might have information on Queen Bee's whereabouts. Eventually they run into a woman named Hurricane Annie. Hurricane Annie and Dolemite had a fling before, after which he skipped town without telling her.

She allows bygones to be bygones (he is Dolemite, after all, in his distinctive patchwork suits), and before long they're engaging in some serious naked exercise. This is not a euphemism for sex.

After their naked workout, they have sex, then eat some fresh fruit.

They make contact with Queen Bee at the club run by Cavaletti. Dolemite assures her that he can rescue the kidnapped girls, once he finds out where they're located.

A random man is chased down by some people we've never met before, and shot several times. A policeman who should be starting his vacation (Detective Pistol Pete Blakeley) begs to work on the case. After all, the killers were Cavaletti's men, and he's been trying to nail Cavaletti for years. But no -- his boss (Captain Ryan) tells him to hunt down a depraved murderer-on-the-loose ... a murderer who killed an innocent woman ... a murderer called ... Dolemite!

Dolemite discovers that Cavaletti's wife is quite the nymphomaniac, and we are treated to a bizarre sequence with mostly-naked men emerging from a toy box. Nobody is quite sure whether this is happening or whether it's Cavaletti's wife's erotic fantasy.

It doesn't really matter, because Dolemite disguises himself as a nebbishy door-to-door salesman of pornographic oil paintings, and puts his smooth Dolemite moves on Cavaletti's wife. She tells him that the girls are being held "in the house ... on the hill ... in Pasadena..." which apparently pinpoints the house.

Sheriff Cracker Beatty appears in Captain Ryan's office, demanding to know why Dolemite remains at large.
Captain Ryan:  "My best man is on it."
Sheriff:  "You're using Dark Folks to catch Dark Folks?  
           Are you out of your mind?"
Captain Ryan (indignant):  "There are no Dark Folks here.  
                  Just hard-working police officers."

You tell 'em, Captain Ryan! He can't use that word to describe-- Hey, wait a minute! There hasn't been one use of the MF word since before the credit sequence! What gives?

Queen Bee gives her people some last-minute instructions prior to a party they're supposed to be eye candy for: "Just remember ... if anybody comes out of this thing alive ... it should be us!"

Queen Bee and her non-kidnapped staff arrive at the party. Dolemite and his crew disguise themselves as caterers and sneak in. Dolemite rescues the kidnapped girls from a crazy white guy with a predilection for Rube Goldberg death traps and a painted-on beard (or if not painted-on, flocked).

Some contagious kung fu breaks out. And the MFs resume. Half of them came in the film's first five minutes, and half in the last ten.

Cavaletti is cornered by Dolemite, stripped naked, and tied to a table with a cage of rats nibbling at his nether areas.

At this point, the police (Pistol Pete, Captain Ryan, and Sheriff Cracker Beatty) arrive. Dolemite "hides" from them by stepping slightly to the side.

Sheriff Cracker Beatty finds Dolemite, and shoots him dead. He gloats, then leaves.

Dolemite sits up, and shows us the bullet-proof vest he's been wearing, flashes his big grin, and the freeze-frame lets us know that the movie is over.

No more drinks of water, kids, and no more trips to the bathroom. Sleep well in your beds made of giant blocks that spell out "BED" and dream of the nerve-shattering brain-battering mind-splattering one-man disaster that is ... the Human Tornado.

Comments

Queen Bee had the best outfits ever. That girl could DRESS. I wish she would have gotten her own spinoff show....