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Garbage In Smithees Out

"Star Pilot"? Try "Cave Pilot"!

Mission 2+5 Hydra is also known as 2+5: Mission Hydra, and Star Pilot. None of these is a particularly appropriate name for what is essentially an Italian space opera that's primarily set on earth ... in a cave.

This film would have been a perfect MST3K film. There's a lot of odd randomness to make fun of, and quite a bit of dead time to make comments during. Not so great a Smithee film, but no way to tell that without watching it first.

A scientist, his daughter, and a random grad student travel to a work site, where some strange anomalies are recorded. During the night, there's an earthquake, and then an odd subsidence. They investigate, and find a spaceship trapped in a cave.

The digging has awakened aliens from their long hibernation. Several of their "robots" and crew have died, with only their captain, two of her crewmen, and one surviving "robot" remaining. Of course, they send their surviving "robot" out for reconnaissance.

Three Asian men show up in an attempt to steal the mysterious thing that the scientist has been working on. They insist that they're Asian (not Chinese!), but everyone calls them Chinese -- even the aliens, who proceed to capture all of the earthpeople, and force them to help repair the damaged spaceship after one of the Asians kills their "robot".

The aliens are from the planet of Hydra. They take the earth people with them. Appearing for the first time, a bunch of special effects and spacecraft stolen from another movie (Gorath) scramble in an attempt to follow the Hydran ship ... but to no avail. We never saw them before, and we never see them again. That must have been real expensive spaceship footage!

The Hydran ship gets caught in a photon shower, and they have to stop and make repairs. When they get going again, they find an Earth ship broadcasting a distress signal. It's Russian! They discover from a newsreel that the Earth had a terrible atomic war, and its survivors all dispersed into the galaxy to find new worlds.

They proceed to Hydra, only to discover that Hydra suffered terrible radiation from its own war machines, and survivors all dispersed into the galaxy to find new worlds. They break down and cry. The End. We break down and cry at the waste of our (semi-)precious time.

The title remains a mystery to me. There are are three Hydrans. Three Chinese Asians. Several Europeans. One of the Asians (and some of the Europeans) are killed before escaping, and at one point there were 2 (Asians) + 5 (Europeans).

The most pointless character in the entire movie was the scientist's daughter. In some ways, she was the beta version of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. So far as I can tell, she had three roles to fulfill in the movie. (1) She complained that everyone else was a slow driver. (2) She was taken hostage to ensure her father's cooperation, and fell in love with one of the Hydrans. (3) She wore fabulous clothing.

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