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Kung Fu instead of Ethics

Wushu Warrior Write-up

I had thought the age of the "ninjer" flick had come and gone with Richard Harrison but apparently it is alive and kicking Asian heiney in the form of the 2010 released Wushu Warrior.

Wushu Warrior takes place in pre-Boxer Rebellion China so there is some precedent for European characters having a good deal of power over the Asian characters. That actually happened in the days of Chinese yore. I have no quibbles with the fact that Matt Frewer's delightfully competent and morally challenged Lord Edward Lindsey runs the show. He makes money hand over fist operating a huge opium ring and has either bought off or killed anyone who might oppose him. What I do object to is that in these movies, the white character always seems to be the super awesome long lost Winds of Heaven or Dragon Champion or Whatever Legendary Chinese Thing Which Only One Person Ever in the History of Ever becomes. Sadly, Lord Lindsey is also a white guy who is awesome at Kung Fu as well as being the regional powerhouse.

The movie starts off with Lindsey snuffing the local missionary, Reverend Elders, over selling opium slaves. Of course once the Reverend is dead (in a beautiful Acting Appropriately Stupid) his whole family has to die as well. For reasons I don't fully understand, the Chinese couple who look after the Reverend's sevenish year old son risk their lives to smuggle the boy away to some remote village somewhere. Jonathan now has the unfortunate distinction of being the only white kid in very rural China so he regularly gets the snot pounded out of him by the other kids who are all exceedingly proficient in Kung Fu. Push comes to shove (heh) and Jonathan sneaks a peek at the kids doing their Kung Fu kata and tries it himself. This catches the eye of Master Li, who decides to train Jonathan. Cue training montage!

Meanwhile in another plot of the movie, Lord Lindsey's spoiled daughter learns the ancient secret arts of black Chinese voodoo. Or whatever it is. Incidentally she looks a lot like Christina Applegate and acts like the Christina Applegate's character on Married with Children.

Years pass and Jonathan becomes the Dragon Incarnate, or at least he has the potential to become the Dragon Incarnate. All he has to do is fight Darth Vader sorry. All he has to do is master the one thing he won't be able to do until the climactic boss fight at the end when everything is going wrong and then BAMN! Dragon. We know this because whenever Jonathan is doing his katas he gets a misty dragon glow. Unfortunately his studies are interrupted when he learns of his past and lights out to confront his father's killer. Things do not go well and Jonathan and his accomplice steal a coach and head off into the wilderness. Unfortunately, the coach has a passenger; Lord Lindsey's dearest, darling, daughter.

Now the movie gets fun.

Lord Lindsey sends a bunch of well armed men to retrieve his daughter while the accidental kidnappers discover their new charge and don't quite know what to do with her. So they lock her up in the store room...with all the Chinese herbs her black hearted little Chinese Voodoo trained herbalist self could want. D'oah. She magically escapes, Lindsey's men come and stomp the village, the villagers flee and Jonathan's accomplice is captured. Cue rescue mission! And Covert Ops Lion Dance!

One thing I'll say for this ninjer flick, it's got Lion Dancing. I love me some Chinese Lion Dancing.

Blah blah fight, blah blah dragon, blah blah end. You've all seen this "movie" enough times by now to know how it goes. What was supremely disappointing was that Frewer's character just sort of crumples in the last five minutes after being a most excellent bad guy. He was awesomely taking names and then they must have fired his writer and hired some incompetent who finished the movie off in three lines: BAMN! GIANT DRAGON MIST IS UNDEFEATABLE. The End.

By the way, Harrison is still alive but hasn't done any Lion Dancing that I've seen. He does do that vanishing teleporting trick though...must be a super secret ninja skill.