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anonymous kph

U is for Ultracop 2000

Ultracop 2000 seems to be a movie made on the theory that audiences would flock to see a weirdly-homophobic version of John Woo's Hard Boiled if only Martians were thrown into the mix. But I'm getting waaaaaay ahead of myself.

We start off with an undercover op in a sleazy bar in Hong Kong. It's a sting operation, and I mean that in more senses than one, because the movie has the Most! Dramatic! Music! Ever! (also the Most! Dramatic! Foley! Ever!).

Unfortunately, the undercover cop's cover is blown at a crucial moment, and just as he is about to be gunned down, a Martian shows up, kills most of the criminals, drinks their blood, and flies off. Naturally, when the regular police burst in, they're a bit confused -- and assume that Hero Cop has taken a nasty bump on the head rather than believing his crazy story.

Martian starts killing people. Martian Cop shows up to attempt to arrest Murderous Martian (let us call him M.M.) & return him to Mars. More Earthling undercover police work happens. A bunch of cars blow up for no reason, to dramatic music.

M.M. attacks a guy, but something goes awry. He isn't restored by the stolen blood. M.M. is driven off, and the attacked guy is taken to the hospital. Attacked Guy turns out to be the most offensively obnoxious homosexual stereotype this side of the Castro District. Both of his lovers show up at the hospital, and they fight.

Later that night, M.M. tracks down Flaming Stereotype Man in the hospital, but when M.M. attempts to steal blood again, M.M. turns and runs away, fleeing in terror from F.S.M. Eventually the cops determine this is because F.S.M. has AIDS, which interacts poorly with the Martian's blood-theft-based metabolism, and gives the cops an excuse to go Full Hazmat.

At this point, the movie veers hard to the right, ripping off several scenes directly from Hard Boiled, most notably the warehouse double-cross, where the Black Diamonds are viciously eliminated by a rival gang.

Serious police-work done, Martian Cop shows back up, imparts some dying wisdom while frothing at the mouth, and puts the Hong Kong cops back on M.M.'s trail. There is a final showdown at a warehouse between Earth cops and M.M.

It goes badly for the Earth cops, until they unveil (from a coffin) the most disruptive secret weapon ever.

It's one of the more odd (at times verging on indescribable) movies of the past Smithee season. And nothing at all like what was promised on the cover.

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