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Garbage In Smithees Out

Mega-Meta 4 Category 1 Recap: Most Ludicrous Premise

Can you believe that MegaMeta 4 is on the horizon? Crimony! It's been a while for some of these movies so we thought we'd fire up the recaps again to refresh your memories.

In a nutshell, Most Ludicrous Premise clips tell you, the audience, what the movies are about. Sometimes it's the classic "Boy meets girl, boy does something heroic/stupid, boy wins/loses girl". Other times it's more like "boy meets alien, boy does something heroic/stupid, alien invents new embalming process which balances the world debt". We mostly look for the second kind of premise and these five movies rose to the top of their field in the last five years:

2007: Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen (Smitheed!)
2008: Knight Riders (Smitheed!)
2009: Piñata: Survival Island (Smitheed!)
2010: Tiger Love (Smitheed!)
2011: Hard Rock Zombies (Smitheed!)

In Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen, there are two rival groups in Hong Kong: The Evil Black Ninja clan and the Good Purple Ninja Organization. The Black Ninja clan hires a Chinese Voodoo (sorta) priest to create some Kyonshi (Chinese hopping vampires). They hope to use the vampires to distract the Purple Ninja Organization in order to take over the hotel industry. Fnord.

Knight Riders isn't any less weird, just differently so. The film is about a traveling renaissance-faire-type troupe who style themselves after Arthur and his knights. They also travel by motor cycle and…joust by motor cycle and pretty much everything you would expect to happen on horseback happens with motorcycles.

Long ago in Piñata: Survival Island, a tribe of Native Islanders made a Piñata which they filled with all the evil thoughts and deeds of the tribe and cast it from their village. Right now, a group of co-eds are planning on hosting their annual Greek Week challenge excursion on this same island. Piñatas full of booze or panties (the objective of said challenge) have been placed all over the island for the co-eds to find. Is this the perfect time for the piñata OF EVIL to show up? Of course it is.

Tiger Love is sorta Romeo and Juliet with tigers. If only Shakespeare had thought of that twist the play would have been so much more interesting. Apparently, in China, legend has it that if a woman kisses a tiger it will become her slave. "Juliet" escapes a fatal beating from her family after trying to elope with "Romeo" (who isn't as fortunate) by plunging off a cliff. She survives after landing in a tree but oh no! There is a tiger prowling around! It scares the piss outta her (umm…literally) and lo! I guess the legend was one letter off since "Juliet" now has a tiger slave for life. What better way to get revenge on the people who killed her "Romeo".

Lastly, Hard Rock Zombies. Jesse is the leader of a hard rock band that is lured to a remote house and butchered, all save the band manager. The owners of the house hold a funeral and dinner for the band members but also offer the manager a job, since he no longer has a band to manage. Before he can accept or decline, an alarm goes off announcing the beginning of the fourth Reich and the head of the house turns out to be none other than Hitler. Meanwhile, Jesse's girlfriend is sitting by the side of the graves and playing a recording of one of the band's songs in memory of her love. It's an experimental piece with lyrics from some old dusty tome that just happens to awaken the dead rockers. They head off for vengeance and typical Zombie mayhem ensues.

Mull them over and limber up your voting hand come October (Ann Arbor) or End of May (Origins).


That the description of "Vampire Raiders: Ninja Queen" ends in fnord is enough to make me vote for it in this category.