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Smitheemas 31

12 Days of Smitheemas: Day 8: Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit

On the eighth day of Smitheemas, my Bad Film gave to me:

8 nations bick'ring
7 silly swordsmen
6 brothers biking
[ redacted ]
3 retro futures
2 naughty mittens
and a tie of a brain-searing hue.

Although on the matter of brain-searing, the film Pretty Soldier Sailor Guilala Monster X Strikes Back: Attack the G8 Summit gives just as good as Bad Cop 1's sartorial accessories.

The movie begins in Hokkaido, Japan -- at the beginning of a G8 summit. Reporters are gathered outside, and the world leaders have basically finished introducing themselves and their national stereotypes when a mysterious something from outer space crashes in Sapporo.

It turns out the mysterious something was a Mars probe from China (the AAC Beta). It brought a spore back to Earth, and that spore quickly grew into a giant monster (Guilala). There is spirited discussion of how difficult it will be to make China pay reparations for the damage done by Guilala.

The American President suggests that the G8 leaders come up with a strategy to defeat the giant monster -- think of the poll numbers! Yee-ha! Incidentally, each world leader speaks in his or her native language, translated by a squad of attractive young Japanese women.

Meanwhile, a reporter stumbles across a small shrine where worshipers are doing a strange dance. To a ludicrously catchy tune (Neci-Coma! Neci-Coma! Neci-Coma! Neci-Coma!). Her photographer sidekick decides to get close and take pictures, which is when the worshipers spot the photographer & reporter, and ask them both to leave -- but not before the reporter spots a strange shape carved into the facade of the shrine.

The Japanese government claims first crack at taking down Guilala. They're used to things like this. The Japanese shoot a missile at Guilala. That doesn't work (Guilala eats the missile). Guilala manifests a bad special effect, and flies off.

The Japanese flag is now flying at half-mast in Hokkaido.

There is much political argument. This is a constant in this film. The American President looks like Clinton, talks like G.W. Bush, and is far from the worst stereotype. The Italian PM likes to talk about The Spirit of Rome. The French President is putting the moves on his translator. This is all filtered through a weirdly juvenile Japanese sensibility. Shall I continue?

The Italian PM's plan consists of digging a giant hole, and luring Guilala into it. This works. Reporters take pictures. Then Guilala climbs back out of the hole. Reporters take pictures.

The Japanese and Italian flags now fly at half-mast.

To condense a bit, many options are tried. The Russians inject Guilala with Polonium 210, which makes it sleep. The Germans then attempt to gas it, which wakes it up.

It laughs at them all, and performs The Guilala Interpretive Dance as the sun goes down. Many flags now fly at half-mast.

The arguments at the G8 Summit continue. The reporter realizes that the strange carving she saw at that backwater shrine looked a lot like Guilala, and goes to get her "scoop."

A young boy at the shrine explains that Guilala has shown up before, in ancient writings, and is defeated by Take-Majin, the god of the shrine. Take-Majin is who they dance for ("Neci-Coma! Neci-Coma! Neci-Coma! Neci-Coma!").

They go into the shrine, and the ... head shrine man (monk? priest? shriner?) ... unrolls an ancient scroll which illustrates the battle between Guilala and Take-Majin. Also, Take-Majin's ancient gold-plated statue looks like it's holding a fire extinguisher and an umbrella.

Meanwhile, the Japanese PM is indisposed due to bowel trouble, so the old PM temporarily comes back ... and suggests that they nuke Guilala, just to be sure.

There is general consternation at the suggestion that a Japanese PM would suggest exploding another nuclear device on his own home soil. Which is when the Japanese PM whips off his clever disguise, to reveal himself as....

A Kim Jong-Il analogue, the Leader of the North Country. And the hot Japanese translators are really hot North Country agents -- with guns! And the world's most annoying fingers-on-a-chalkboard giggle.

He has a new nuclear missile with only a 2 km destructive radius. He orders the missile launched! He has the world's top seven leaders under his control! Cue fingers-on-a-chalkboard giggle!

Top 7 leaders? Yes, it turns out that the French President (Sorkozy *cough*) is off seducing his translator ("You are my Arc de Triomphe. I am your Eiffel Tower!"), who tearfully admits (post-coitally) that she's not really Japanese.

Sorkozy (armed only with a towel to preserve his modesty) is able to distract the armed female cadre long enough for the Japanese Defense Force to wrest away their weapons.

Unfortunately, the lead Guilala scientist explains that Guilala has absorbed enough energy that the missile's detonation would cause him to release spores -- resulting in millions (or billions) of additional Guilalas.

There is a brief psychotic Guilala-filled interlude(*).

Our reporter decides to participate in (nay, to lead) the Take-Majin dance. Her doubtful photographer goes along. Now that the villagers have a proper cheer captain, Take-Majin is summoned!

He does not have an umbrella, or a fire extinguisher. He does have about half a dozen extra arms, which appear around him as a halo. He appears in a great ball of light, right as the nuclear missile is about to strike Guilala.

He appears in front of the missile. The missile does not precisely strike him, rather it impacts Take-Majin proctologically.

But Take-Majin is the size of Guilala -- he can take it, although he doesn't look happy about it.

This begins the "Giant Monsters Wrestling" phase of the film. You have seen it in a dozen different Kaiju films, so I will not go into depth here, except to note that Take-Majin finally gets tired of the wrestling, and slices Guilala's head off ... at which point its body explodes.

The world leaders all congratulate themselves on their successful defeat of Guilala. French President Sorkozy loses his towel (again), and they all decide to go skinny-dipping at a hot springs (at Angelika Merkel's suggestion). Yeah!

As strange as this description makes the movie sound, it fundamentally fails in capturing the true flavor of the film. A flavor which can possibly be summed up in the phrase: "juvenile political satire by way of Toho tropes." Or is the other way around?

...and if I may echo lunargeography's statements as we sat through the hip-hop inspired closing credits music (which I immediately dubbed the "Monster X Love Theme"): "There is good Japanese rap, and this is not it."

(*)This sentence also describes the movie as a whole.