Log in

No account? Create an account
sultan of statistics

Mega-Meta 4 Category Recap: Inane Dialogue

Inane Dialogue is the award we give to films that have dialogue that is inane. Generally, a good bit of Inane Dialogue will provoke one of two reactions in a viewer: like the previous sentence, it may make you think, "no shit," or... but we'll get to that in a little bit. First, let's look at the contenders.

2007 Matango (Smithee)
2008 Metallica (Smithee)
2009 13 Seconds (Smithee)
2010 Godzilla vs Biollante (Smithee)
2011 Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident (Smithee)

We're sure you'll enjoy these five gems of cinematic genius and that you're choice will be an easy one.

Just like the real world, Matango features people standing around talking about the weather. "It's been raining for a week," one comments. "Must be the rainy season," another replies. Aw, what gave it away?

In Metallica, we come across the heroes taking stock of the toll of a recent space battle. As one of the battered survivors returns home, he and the heroine who stayed behind have the following tender exchange. She: "You're alive." He: "Yeah." She: "You survived." He: "Yeah." This is what happens when you leave your writer alone for five minutes with the script and a thesaurus.

We move now to the safe confines of a psychiatrist's office, where one of the heroes of 13 Seconds is describing his troubles. "Have I ever told you about this reoccuring [sic] dream I have? Now that scares the hell out of me." "You've had this more than once?" Boy, you didn't get that PhD for nothing, did you Doc?

In Godzilla vs. Biollante, a man is standing in an office high in a skyscraper. He turns around, glances out the window, and sees a 100' tall lizard stomping its way through the city directly toward him. In much the tone you or I might use to complain about an unexpected traffic tie-up, he growls, "It's Godzilla." No shit.

One of the problems with picking films for this category is that some times a movie will have a great line, such as "we'll be safe here," and then go three or four minutes before paying it off with the monster showing up and killing everybody. The producers of Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident clearly want to address this problem, because when one of their space marines says, "It's all clear, sir!" he barely makes it four milliseconds before disappearing in a geyser of blood. The follow-up line, "Soldier down! Well, maybe 'ripped apart' would be more appropriate," is usually inaudible due to laughter.

And there you have it. We're sure it will be an easy choice.

Yeah, right.