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Mega-Meta 4 Category Recap: Acting Appropriately Stupid

Chances are that, when a serial killer is chasing you, you go to a crowded, well-lighted area and call the police. When you hear that a giant monster or alien army is headed right for your city, you suddenly realize it's been a really long time since you visited your relatives on the other side of the country. When you wake up in the middle of the night to see blood running down your bedroom walls and a disembodied voice snarling, "Get out," you start looking at real estate ads. And this, boys and girls, is why nobody is ever going to make the story of your life into a Smithee movie. Because to be in a Smithee movie, you have to have the survival instinct of a moth in a GE stadium lighting test facility. As we will now demonstrate in the Acting Appropriately Stupid category:

2007 Spiders (Smithee)
2008 Kill Squad (Smithee)
2009 Troll 2 (Smithee)
2010 5 Lady Venoms (Smithee)
2011 Chupacabra Terror (Smithee)

Spiders features a trio of college students trapped in a secret underground government facility infested with a, you guessed it, giant spider. Figuring that the elevator is probably not the best way out, they show more than usual bad movie intelligence by trying the stairs instead. Unfortunately, there's webbing all over the place and it only gets thicker above them. "It's in here," one of them says. They look around, take stock of their situation, and nod. "Let's keep going," says another. And off they trudge, into the thickening webbing.

In Kill Squad one of the members of the afore-mentioned squad is in a knock-down, throw-down martial arts fight with one of his fellow tool and die factory workers (don't worry, it's not as exciting as it sounds). The co-worker is knocked down and thrown down, falling over a work bench and landing on his ass with his feet tangled on the bench. Our hero starts to celebrate his victory over this dangerous factory worker. But wait! The co-worker has a gun! He pulls it from his belt, aims carefully between his legs at our hero, and... shoots his own foot. Ow. He's going to feel that in the morning.

From there we take you to Troll 2, where an annoying young man is out for a walk in the woods when he runs into a hysterical woman who is screaming and running in the opposite direction. As he tries to calm her down and figure out what's going on, the source of the problem presents itself – a large group of angry-looking goblins with spears. Ignoring their menacing spears, he walks confidently up to them and attempts to shoo them away like stray cats. Did we mention that they have spears? Sharp spears? Okay, I think you get the point. And so does he.

In Five Lady Venoms, one of the twelve lady venoms (lady venoms are excellent at martial arts; counting, not so much) is in a gambling den losing badly (that whole bad at counting thing, presumably). After running out of money, she starts betting clothing. Finally, she's down to just her dress, which she bets... and loses. The male gamblers she's been facing are ecstatic. However, she's a shy lady venom, so she asks them to turn around while she takes off her dress. The gamblers may be good at counting, but they're not too bright otherwise; they turn around and she's an outta-here lady venom.

At the beginning of Chupacabra Terror, nobody has been terrorized by a chupacabra. However, two sailors have been bribed a large amount of money to sneak a crate onto a cruise ship and not look inside. Naturally, they can't resist finding a crowbar, prying open the crate, and having a look for themselves. Chupa!