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Devil Can

12 Days of Smitheemas: Day 5: Devil Times Five

On the Fifth Day of Smitheemas my Bad Film gave to me

Deeeeeeeevil times Fiiiiiiiiive
[ redacted ]
3 retro futures
2 naughty mittens
and a tie of a brain-searing hue.

I could post: "Five psycho kids escape from custody and kill a mob boss's vacationing family and employees up in a remote skiing lodge" and that would be short and succinct (and accurate). However, you wouldn't then know of the Smitheeness which adorned this film like some musty hoodie that fell off the laundry basket and has been living in the road for a week. I'd hate to disappoint so here is a slightly longer telling of the tale.

Pappa Doc is a mob boss and is having his winterly ski lodge meeting/getaway deelie at his isolated mountain home. Attending are himself, his nymphomaniac daughter Lovely, his "normal" daughter Julie, Julie's boyfriend/fiancee Rick, Weak willed and whipped doctor Harvey Beckman, and his drunkard wife Ruth. The caretaker Ralph, who isn't the brightest bulb in the crayon box, rounds out the adults.

Dr. Brown is transporting a bus load of psychotically deranged children from here to there (in the dead of winter, down a mountain after a huge winter storm yadda yadda) when the bus goes out of control and crashes spectacularly. Five of the children make it out: Cross dressing David, Pyro Susan, Obsessed with Nuns "Sister" Hannah, Obsessed with her dolly Mo, and their toy soldier leader Brian. They all light out for anyplace else after stabbing the wounded doctor who also survives the crash.

Conveniently everyone ends up at the isolated mountain home.

I might have added a "Hey! You've got your psycho killer kids movie into my Mafia movie" quip here except it would be less like the chocolate and peanut butter of the commercial and more carob and tan paint. The children are creepily competent at killing off the adults at first; one at a time such that no one suspects and they always have the advantage of numbers. Oh noes, the generator isn't working! Handyman, check it out (alone at night). Of course when he does he fails to see the trap rigged up which nooses him and hauls his body to the ceiling when he manages to get the generator going. Same for Dr. Beckman when he finds David hanging about and has him help chop wood. Whoops, is that David's axe in Harvey's neck? Why yes I do believe it is.

However, then the adults all go to pieces and we patiently wait for them to be picked off. It's surprisingly easy for the children, who range in age from 14ish Susan to 7ish Mo, because despite the adults catching on fairly early as to what's happening (it takes but two deaths) they continue to Act Appropriately Stupid and do things like wander off to take a bath alone. At least we got to see the resolution of Checkov's piranha to assuage the stupid. We finally got so bored of the killings (half of which were filmed in doubly slow motion) we offered the movie a gentleman's agreement: It would roll credits and we would imagine a suitably gruesome death for the remaining adults. Alas, it was not to be and we stayed to the very last bear trap death as a tinny children's piano played London Bridges on the soundtrack. For the millionth time. With the bazilliontieth arrangement of said piece.

I think in better hands this could have been a really nice horror flick but your children have to be a little more normal and your Mob peeps a little more mobbish.


[after consulting with IMDB] Wait! You failed to mention that Boss Hogg is in this film! And so is Leif Garrett!!!
Oooo, that was supposed to be the surprise!