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Garbage In Smithees Out

Origins Smithee 20


You Origins people and your recounts. Don't you know there is a limited number of counting in the universe? Streuth! Antoine Lavoisier's little known Numbers Conservation theory (right behind mass and energy) states that for every number you count, an equal and opposite number of...numbers will...not be counted. Or something. Anyway, it's all much more scientific and theoretical than that but it boils down to the fact that there is only so much counting left in this world so demand it carefully. I'd be very sad if on New Year's Eve of 2022 the ball drop went something like "10! 9! 8! ... ... ..." and then nothing more because we ran out of counting.

So then! Speaking of 2022 and any Mezzo Incidents we might have been implying above but not actually speaking of, we had a show! According to the Sultan, this was one crazy show this year with 18 different movie winners. Normally there are a few movies that do particularly well and grab up several wins for their year (for example...CHUPA!) and usually we have a good handful of movies with multiple nominations in every year. This particular year had (using my quick non-euclidean mathy-math) 40 different movies represented, 14 of which were nominated for just a single category. So that's roughly 2/3rds of this year's flicks had 2 or more clips in the show.

You might say that the more clips a movie has, the better it does but of our 18 winners, 2 were single clip movies (Chupacabra Terror, Mr. Scarface) while two four category movies (Battlespace, Werewolf of Washington) did not get enough Smithee love to win anything. It is true that our two 6 category movies each took a win (Escape from Galaxy 3, Brides of Blood) but the only movie to win 2 categories this year had only 2 clips in the show. Which is pretty phenomenal if you look at it as Kraa! won everything it was in for. Incidentally, this year's numbers show that if you were a two clip nominated show, you were statistically bound to do really well (just under half of the winners were 2 category shows which in baseball is an incredible hitting average).

Smithee shows, getting weirder as time goes by.


We had the usual crowd. Hi Crowd!

Our voting high was 276 which is darned respectable. Out voting low was 237 and our actual brain touch number was...still being mathed 361. Note to self: Write down stuff in a more ordered fashion instead of blurting out numbers right before Long Island-a-palooza.

Onto some winners, because you know we had winners:

MLP: "Hard Rock Zombies" - Hitler is revealed & the band comes back to life..
Oblivious: "Boa vs. Python" – DJ Oblivious and the 60 foot snake, spinning the tune-GAK!
Wanna Run: "Escape From Galaxy 3" – You must leave and draw your powerful enemies away – no wait you must stay and protect us against your powerful enemies.
Worst f/x: "Kraa! the Sea Monster" – Spaceship careens off of a poor CGI graphic satellite, smacks into Kraa! with a lame fireball and toy cars are blown to bits.
Alas: "Yeti: Giant of the 20th Century" – Hired goon's neck snapped between giant Yeti toes.
Deus Ex: "Queen of Black Magic" – Murni tossed off a cliff into the waiting arms of a mystic hermit.
SLM: "Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe " – The Nosferatu chest burster hand puppet with a Jersey accent.
Worst Science: "Brides of Blood " – The island is within the fallout radius of nuclear testing but nothing's been affected – not even the weird mutated tings.
Best One Liner: "Mr. Scarface" - "That'sa Scarface. Just looking at him and my asshole twitches."
Worst Cover: "Kraa! the Sea Monster " – "Big Alien..." "Bad Attitude" Destruction of All Life on Earth! "Huge Family Fun!"
Overkill: "Bloody Wednesday " – About as long as Alice's Restaurant but the only thing you can get is bullets and lots, and lots, and lots (and lots) of death.
Inane Dialogue: "Recon 2022: The Mezzo Incident " – "It's all clear sir!" GRRRARGH-NOM "Man Down!" "Well more like ripped apart and torn to pieces"
Whoops: "The Invincible Kung Fu Legs " – In the climactic final fight they rush the bad guy and-the film ends. That’s it. No resolution. No Kung Fu Legs. No end credits. It's the same as if
What?!?: "Flash Future Kung Fu " – The rabies cure: One chicken, 1 carboy of liquid, 1 fresh squeezed snake and 1 high score on Galaxy Patrol.
AAS: "Chupacabra Terror " – What's in the growling crate? Let's open it!
LUtRtR: "Absolute Aggression " – I won't whore for the warden so let's get naked and give him a show (and all the people watching on reality TV).
Worst Ending: "Christmas Evil " – And I heard him exclaim as he drove his suddenly inexplicably magical van off into the night, "Merry Christmas to all…".
Worst Acting: "Zipperface " - Donna Adams. That's totally how she got desk duty. Hmph!
Worst Picture: "Undefeatable" – The shirt ripping, oiled bodies end-fight cumulating with hoisting the crazy killer up by his own sphenoid bone and whisking him away on a hook. See ya, Stingray.

We also had some other winners of Awesome Smithee Swag (ASS? Errr...I need a better acronym)


Winner 1 who we totally do not know and some buttons, which we do.


Winner 2 who we also totally don't know and some magnets.


Winner 3 with Transmorphers.


Winner 4 and the penultimate Shark Puppy. Incidentally, winner 4 just drifted in to see what we were about the category before intermission, signed her name on a ballot and was about to leave for elsewhere when lo! We started the giveaways and her name was called. I think she stayed on after that to watch more movie badness. And that's how a Smitheeite is born folks.


Artsy counting happens.


After the show, we continued with the giveaways and hello number 5 and a new pack of buttons (or magnets)


Winner 6 and magnets (or buttons)


WINNER 7 HAS A MOVIE! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
(actually, it was Chupacabra Terror so...CHUPA!)


The last Shark Puppy goes out. That votes were counted and we all went home.

The End...
Or is it?



The Nice Ballot Bimbo wonders if she is ready for MegaMeta4 which rears its head much quicker than you might think.
-jq

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Since we won't be having a table at Origins this year we thought we might volunteer to be pirates. Could you use two more? - MJ