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why smithee awards are not all-ages

On the 9th day of Smitheemas my Bad Film gave to me

9 babies birthing
8 nations bick'ring
7 silly swordsmen
6 brothers biking
Deeeeeeeevil times Fiiiiiiiiive
4 mobsters scheming
3 retro futures
2 naughty mittens
and a tie of a brain-searing hue.


Editor Sharyn November clued us in on this "wholesome" flick saying that 'We had to see it or we were not worth our bad movie salt' (*). So what are you to do when confronted with such a statement but order up a copy of Teenage Mother: 9 Months of Trouble. Besides, we got a twofer teensploitation pack that also included Teenage Graffiti and we might have also picked up Slumber Party I-III as well. Anyway, onto our Smitheemas movie at hand.

Teenage Mother has three plot lines that should intertwine to make an exciting flick but mostly just plod along drearily like and occasionally stumble into each other.

Rebellious Arlene luuuurves her beau Tony and is dismayed that his plans after high school don't include proposing to her on graduation day. Tony would rather go to college and get a good paying job before settling down but Arlene doesn't plan that far in advance. Instead she sulks around at the most awkward go-go dance party captured on film (actors, you can move your arms when you dance and both feet do not have to be touching the floor at all times), and then comes up with a plan to seduce Tony into "Going All The Way". In a truly boring "sex" scene (almost but not quite rivaling Orgy of the Dead), she and Tony lay about fully clothed and mack for more time that I want to see beach macking with no climax. It almost makes you wish you were back watching the go-go dancing; at least the super hero posters on the wall were interesting to look at. The next day Arlene goes to the doctor's office in hopes that she has gotten pregnant but alas. No baby. This does not stop her though and she fakes a pregnancy to get Tony to marry her. For some reason, probably due to the fact that Arlene's parents are two-dimensional caricatures of conservative 1950s parents, Arlene then runs away and falls in with Duke and his crowd.

Miss Peterson, the hot young health teacher from Sweden, has radical new ideas about teaching. She has books and movies that explain everything about the human body. Every. Thing. Because male and female genitalia didn't seem to exist prior to the 1950s, the faculty are stunned at the filth and "unwholesome" things she is teaching the kids. Why they never! The kids, on the other hand, think she's pretty rad even when she starts in on a monotonously boring lecture of the circulatory system. Lucky us, we get to hear the whole lecture and let me tell you, the Swedes are not as revolutionary in their circulatory system teachings as this movie would like you to think.

Duke and his cronies run drugs (pot) and pornography (pics) for the local pot lord who is not happy about the new health teacher...cutting in on his...turf? I didn't really understand how educating high schoolers in health stops them from buying pot or porn...maybe the Swedes' teaching method also cures one of depravity? I can't imagine health class pics subbing for Playboy and if anything, lectures would tend towards students wanting to smoke weed not against. Maybe that was just my health class. Moving on! Duke and his buddies, on the advice of the pot lord, try to dissuade Miss Peterson from being hip and cool by attempting to gang rape her. She is saved by a very young Fred Willard and continues on with her wikkid health class ways. The janitor, also on the take of the local pot lord, then puts some pornographic pictures in Miss Peterson's desk to frame her. Between Arlene's "pregnancy" and the pictures, the school board makes Miss Peterson stay late for a disciplinary hearing. The janitor is found out and dismissed (because...Miss Peterson said "He did it!" and they all went "Hmmm. We believe you." OooKay Then. Carry On) and then we are all treated to a birthing film that -

OHMYGOD! WHAT IS THAT DOCTOR DOING WITH THOSE GIANT SALAD TONGS AND THE BUSINESS END OF A LADY'S LADY PARTS!!!!

Does this make two "Let's Up the Rating to OBGYN" clips which have appeared in Smithee movies? Yes, yes it does. We are treated to the entire documentary movie clip wherein some drugged (yet thoroughly waxed) woman has a doctor rummage around in her womanly parts with his salad tongs until he excavates a baby head. Yup. Also, if you've ever wondered "Why an episiotomy?" fast forward to the last 15 minutes or so of the flick.

Really, after the birthing movie in the movie, everything else is sorta passe. Arlene is rescued from Duke and his cronies, she confesses to making the whole thing up and I think the entire school board is passed out on the floor from watching the health movie so Miss Peterson is cleared of all untowardsness.

(*) not really but she was very adamant about the Smithee quality of Teenage Mother and rightly so.


At least we got some amusement out of the shag bikini go-go dancer.

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