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Smitheemas 31

12 Days of Smitheemas: Day 10: 10 Violent Women

On the tenth day of Smitheemas, my bad film gave to me:

10 violent women,
9 babies birthing,
8 nations bick'ring,
7 silly swordsmen,
6 brothers biking,
Deeeeeeeevil times Fiiiiiiiiive,
4 mobster schemes,
3 retro futures,
2 naughty mittens,
and a tie of a brain-searing hue.

10 Violent Women was the movie that made lunargeography say "We should do a 12 Days of Smithee," but sadly, this is the most interesting thing that I have to say about this film.

Eight women are mining together for gold when a (male) demolitions expert screws up a charge, and nearly kills them. They decide that it's time to give up the gold mining for good, and instead make money with class.

Got that? Eight classy ex-miner women.

Making money with class seems to be a euphemism for robbing a jewelry store. Following a squirt-gun shoot-out at a duck pond, they run off to Vegas with the jewels, and set up a meeting with a fence (played by the film's director). The fence is being pressured by a drug cartel to push cocaine, so he offers to trade the women cocaine for their jewelry.

They are not amused, and they beat the fence to death, Sheila killing him with a high heel to the heart. Gratuitous wish fulfillment ... beating this film's director to the death ... mmmm ....

Sheila takes the cocaine on her way out the door. One of their number was shot by the fence as he was dying, and two others take her away to seek medical attention.

Five remaining women.

They bury the jewels (which belonged to Arab Royalty), except for a Scarab Ring. They go to a nightclub, where Sheila gets wasted and tries to sell the cocaine to undercover cops. Then Sheila freaks out and pulls a gun, so they shoot her.

The Scarab Ring is quickly stashed away, and the undercover cops arrest the remaining four women. For having lousy taste in friends, I suppose.

We're halfway through the movie, and finally the four accomplice women show up in prison. The woman who runs the section is a sadistic lesbian, so there's the usual stuff, but oddly toned-down. Shower scenes where the women are showering while wearing underwear, for example. It's as though the director thought just the idea of a sadistic lesbian prison matron was titillating enough, and the audience might expire of overstimulation if she actually did anything.

The worst part about the prison scenes is how very unconvincing and uncreative the punishments are. Mop the floor with a scrub brush. Spend some time in solitary confinement.

By this point, we were actively fantasizing about horrible things happening to everyone involved in the film -- hanging them by their toes to be be gummed to death by ten thousand tiny tree frogs, sandpapering them and dropping them into vaults of pickles, etc.

There are beatings, but they never leave marks or any other indication in the plot that they've happened. The only serious prison casualty is the pacing, which is whipped to a pulp, and left to limp along the floor for the majority of the running time.

In the end, our four women team up with two others (for a grand total of ten, I guess), and escape. Then the Arabs show up, looking for their Scarab Ring. Will we see death, explosions, or gratuitous nudity? Or suspense? Or action of any sort at all? Why would the movie start with such things now? This movie's idea of excitement is an all-night hotel-room poker game between two of the women.

We do get to see a boat. Skip to the last five minutes of the movie or so, and there it is.