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Garbage In Smithees Out

Again?! But that trick never works!

So, Wizards of the Demon Sword....

I started watching this movie, then realized that what I should have been doing with the time was clipping already-watched-but-not-yet-clipped films like ... well, like the last dozen or so that I've watched. Whoops. By that point, I had noted the first of what turned out to be three Oblivious nominations, plus one incredibly dull to the point where if dropped on a heavy rock it might [pause, read from cue card, continue] actually be cut by the rock since it was so dull Acting performance. And so I continued on with the movie.

It started out with a woman (Melina) running from some thugs. No dialogue, just heavy-synth mid-80s-type chase music. Note that Wizards of the Demon Sword only dates back to 1991. Pretty much all the music was cutting-edge early-80s synth. And almost all the outdoor scenes were shot at Vasquez Rocks in California. She "hides" from them (the thugs, not the rocks), but is recaptured. Luckily, Thane of Hawksridge (perhaps you've heard of him?) happens by, and rescues her with his over-large sword and overly-inept fight choreography.

Her father has also been kidnapped, and blah blah blah, world in peril. They must seek out a holy man.

Meanwhile, the bad guys, lead by Lord Cora Khoura (Lyle Waggoner), are trying to figure out how to make the demon blade (which incidentally is a knife, not a sword) work. They try some blood. That doesn't work. They try sacrificing a female virgin. That doesn't work. Lord Khoura's creepy male sidekick suggests maybe they try sacrificing a male virgin next time. Lord Khoura's female sidekick (and apprentice in the Dark Arts) suggests that maybe they try getting the info from the Keeper of the Blade, Melina's father (who we will eventually discover is played by Russ Tamblyn).

Melina and Thane have some random encounters seeking their holy man, the Seer of Robukk. Eventually they find him, and --
wait a minute --
The Seer of Robukk? THE SEER OF ROBUKK?
Don't make me turn this film around, Mister Fred Olen Ray! I'm warning you! One more outburst and we'll be going home instead of to Disneyland! And stop poking your sister!

Sigh. Where was I? Oh, yes. Thane and Melina learn that in order to stop the Protectors of the Blade from being tempted to use it, it can only be used while it's plunged into the heart of that person who the Blade Keeper loves the most (in this case, Melina). Thane scoffs at this, and the Seer snaps back at him: "Foolproof plans are hard to come by, son!"

Lord Khoura's female sidekick uses some forbidden magic to become a Goodness Gracious, Great Ball of Sorceress, and possesses Melina. But Thane smacks her out of it with his pimp hand. Wimpiest magic ever. When he finds out, Lord Khoura is horrified. He confronts his sidekick while she's still groggy and lying across the sacrificial altar with her (slit) wrist dangling in the blood bowl. "Do you presume to abuse the power of darkness?" How do you answer a question like that?

Eventually they get it together and attack Lord Khoura's castle, where some rooms have spooky red lighting, some rooms have eerie blue lighting, and other rooms have an ahorrent combination that looks like someone was shooting a 3-D movie but you didn't get your 3-D glasses. In the rescue attempt, the only character with the Witty Banter skill gets killed off-camera. Thankfully, not long after this point, the movie ends as it began ... anti-climactically.