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too many margarita film

more movies, no whammies, more movies, no whammies, more ... WHAMMY!

Diving headfirst into the meat of the matter, we give ourselves a bacon concussion. But that's beside the point.

Let me start with Deadly Weapons. Plot? Chesty Morgan has 73-inch breasts! We don't need no steenkin' plot! Alas, we get one anyway.

Crystal (Chesty) is trying to get her boyfriend to marry her. He finally agrees, but is whacked by some criminal associates (including Harry Reems and his hideously-brushy 1970s-era porn 'stache). She overhears his murder on the phone, as well as the murderers discussing where they plan on laying low. She flies off to Las Vegas, and -- that's where my DVD copy of Deadly Weapons self-destructed.

It does share the typical Doris Wishman tendency toward random insert shots, and wildly-varying color temperature between long shots and close-ups (to the point where furniture and wallpaper seems to change color from shot to shot). At least she actually shows you the faces of people as they speak instead of shooting every single conversation as a series of reaction shots.

Then on to a movie which slyon suggested: Piñata: Survival Island. It stars Jaime Pressley and Xander from Buffy, and even has Harry Kim die horribly. But at least Harry doesn't get his junk ripped off by a demon piñata -- he gets to die with (Stretch-Armstrong-like) dignity.

The plot is pretty sublime. Ages ago, a tribe of Native (Mexican-)Americans cast all the evil out of their tribe, and imprisoned it into a piñata, which they set afloat. In the present day, a group of fraternity & sorority members are engaging in some sort of InterGreek/PanHellenic nonsense involving hunting underwear from an otherwise-deserted island. But not to worry -- should they start to get sober, there's plenty of booze stashed around the place in piñatas.

Can you see where this is going? Yes, yes you can. Is it a lot of fun watching obnoxious fratlings get picked off one-by-one by a demonic piñata? Yes, yes it is. My only real complaint (besides the total lack of nudity)? Piñata-cam.

Still ... that one's a bad movie I could watch again and again ... well ... maybe just one again.

We finished off with a movie which contained something like nearly a dozen people who were in other Smithee films (including four biggies): The Divine Enforcer.

Top three billed were (in order): Jan-Michael Vincent (maybe as much as five minutes of screen time, most of which was spent eating breakfast - only action sequence the one where he gets stabbed in the confessional by an insane parishioner), Erik Estrada (whose name was misspelled - the same five minutes of breakfast-table time as JMV), Jim Brown (maybe two minutes of screen time, at the end of which he gets shot). Also, Robert Z'Dar (slightly less screen time than JB, doesn't get killed), Scott Shaw (ditto). Judy Landers (the confused housekeeper at the priest's residence) was in the women-in-prison movie Hellhole. Our protagonist Michael M. Foley was the crazy-eyed bad guy from Desert Kickboxer. Plenty of minor characters appeared in movies like Karate Cop, Precious Find, and so on....

Father Daniel (Michael M Foley) is the new priest who shows up to the parish that Erik Estrada's character (the Monsignor) is Monsignor of. JMV is the other parish priest. Father Daniel hears stuff in confession, and goes off to offer sinners a chance to repent -- otherwise, he kills them (he even has an array of crucifix-knives and crucifix-shuriken ... plus a nice cross inlaid into the handle of his handgun). Parallel to this, Otis (Don Stroud, Carnosaur 2, Twisted Justice) is kidnapping women, draining the blood from their bodies, keeping their skulls, and dumping the rest. Why? He's crazy! The movie operates on the "separate but equal" track until the final fifteen minutes or so, when Otis crosses Father Daniel's path, and is taken care of.

The moral of the story? Chesty is more powerful than my DVD player. Leave the piñatas alone. Never ever ever go to confession.



At my house, we stayed up late watching Dr. Chopper on one of the "free" movie channels found at the high end of digital cable. The movie even had a few minutes of girls kissing and sorority chicks running around the woods in bras. I was in a sorority in college, and my husband never misses the opportunity to rip on me whenever scenes like that show up.

It did have some great lines, including "You turn my tears to wine" and "I'm the park ranger who's going to fuck you up."

I may be developing an inexplicable fascinatin with Michael M. Foley. He does those 'insane eyes' so well.