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why smithee awards are not all-ages

Double-barreled action!

You will note that I did not say "two-fisted" action. That's because fists are the wrong body part entirely.

That's right -- it's the latter half of the Deadly Weapons review ... seeing as how we finally got around to watching the latter half of Deadly Weapons.

When we left off, Chesty had just flown to Vegas to try and find one of the two guys that killed her boyfriend. She decides to hunt him down by doing burlesque. Her routine consists of taking off her clothing in the least-sultry fashion possible, but the audiences from the place down the road (since she performs in the round and they're in typical theater seating) love it!

She manages to spot a guy with an eyepatch, and cleverly intuits that he must be "Captain Hook." They go back to his room, where she fishes a pill out from somewhere in her cleavage (and she has a truly ginormous amount of cleavage) and spikes his drink.

I just want to interject here that Chesty Morgan would make the World's Worst Mortal Kombat Character. Why do I mention that now? Because after feeding Hook the pill (cleverly disguised in a glass of wine), she does her finishing move. Her arms go up, an electric guitar starts to wail on the soundtrack, and she advances menacingly upon ("I can't feel my arms") Hook. She uses her breasts to smother him (no fingerprints!).

On to Miami! Tony (the other guy) is staying at a hotel there. After scaring off Tony's girlfriend [Chesty scares me too!], Chesty kills Tony in pretty much the same fashion that she killed Hook....

Then she returns home, vengeance complete. Except ... who was the mysterious mob boss with the scar shaped like a cross who ordered Chesty's boyfriend killed after he stole a diary filled with names and telephone numbers (deep breath) from the guy who Chesty's boyfriend, Tony, and Hook beat to death earlier in the movie? And what connection does he have to Chesty?

I'll give you a hint: the Ending, she is Chesty Crummy.

Did you know that the German for "Chesty Morgan" is "Frau mit den großen Brüsten"? It is! I know it's true because I just made it up an hour ago....