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roller ninjas

More Movies, More Catman and a Surfer Zombie.

This Saturday, The Earl, Guru, Mz. Nice Ballot Bimbo and myself finally connected with Mike B. of past, past Smithee yore for some Smithee movie watchin action. BTW, Mike B. and his lovely wife have an awesome house with a kick arse basement gaming room that Mike B. refinished himself. I am in awe and more than a mite jealous. I'm also trying to figure out how to smuggle their kitchen out without them noticing because dayum. I could cook in a place like that. Kitchen-napping aside, we fired up the snazzy giant TV (of doom) and picked us some movies to watch from The Earl's stash.

Mike B. chose the first movie of the evening: Zombie Honeymoon". It was...ahhhh...special. See, this charming couple gets hitched (she's in a red dress, he might be wearing jeans with his tux jacket) and drives off to her uncle's beach house on the Jersey shore for their honeymoon. They scout out all the places where they can have nookie and then go to the beach for a picnic. In the middle of their picnic, a decomposing guy wades out of the water, pukes black goo all over the new husband and then keels over dead. The new husband (Danny) freaks and then he too dies.

He gets better. Sorta. Ten minutes after flat lining, he sits up all "Hey, what's up?" which makes his new wife ecstatically happy. Mysteriously, Danny's hospital roommate disappears but oh well. They are young and in love and having nookie all over the beach house. Incidentally, Danny likes to bite.

Sadly, Danny is also a vegetarian, which isn't meshing well with his new dietary needs. It does lead to an excellent one liner where he poses that maybe vegetarians don't make the best cannibals as he's yarking up a travel agent. The New Mrs. Zombie isn't really keen that her husband is killing and eating people (she walks in on Danny eating a missing jogger very messily in the bathtub) but she did promise "until death do them part" and she's going to stand by her man. Besides, Danny luuuuuurves her. He tearfully told her so. Whooo! Emo zombie FTW.

The film wasn't horribly bad and Danny got gold stars for eating the annoying best friend but man, what a downer. Zombiefied on their honeymoon. Harsh. We managed to cull several good One Liners, a couple Acting Appropriately Stupids and maybe something else which I have forgotten.

Movie two we hoped to glean a little something something more Smithee from because the original Catman did fairly well. Yes folks, there is a second Catman movie: Catman in Boxer's Blow. All punctuation taken as is from the original cover. Anyway, the Catman series is one of those "find an Asian martial arts flick and splice in your own Caucasian over plot and package it as a whole new movie" deals. The original Asian flick had something to do with...ummm...boxing. And a sort of mafia thing in which the leadership of the...mafia was determined by the winner of a boxing match. And there may have been nuclear stuff and a train but the one thing that there was plenty of, was kung fu fightin' action. Good golly these peeps were a touchy lot.

"Is John In?"
"Who wants to know?"
"Me!"
*pow* *smack* *karate-chop*
... ... ...
"Pass the ketchup."
"There ya go."
*pow* *smack* *karate-chop*
... ... ...
"Do you know the way to San Jose?"
*pow* *smack* *karate-chop*

I lost track of who was fighting whom and for what reason. Did they even need a reason? There must have been 20 some of these random skirmishes peppered throughout the Asian plot. Oddly, you would think that so much fighting would lend itself to an Overkill extravaganza but not so much. Huh.

Spliced into this rolling free-for-all one fight every five minutes Asian martial arts flick is the overarching Catman plot. Catman and his buddy Gus (yea Gus! Who I guess didn't die in Catman one) are assigned to keep an eye on this chick who has a nuclear weapon activation whats-it. She has a buyer who is the new big wig of the Holy Cheever Church (yup, under new management!) and both Catman and Gus want to take down said church. Or maybe they want her to lead them to Hot Clam Chowder. Either or. And this is the saddest part of the Catman movie - the whole Caucasian over plot is only about 15 to 20 minutes tops. It definitely suffers greatly from a profound lack of Catman, as hard as that might be to wrap your mind around. How can you not want more of a superhero with the quick costume change ability (just like a cat!)?

I think we got a Whoops, What??!? and an outstanding Oblivious and maybe some other clips as well. Too much chocolate, not enough booze!

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Promotions Ninja

Comments

I want a gaming room in my basement!! I want a nice, big kitchen!!! Oh wait. My house is 860 square feet. Never mind.

Zombie Honeymoon sounds lovely. The decomposing guy who pukes and then dies again just makes it for me.