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clash of the pastel beasts

Another great Full Moon Entertainment

Q: Where do Vampiyaz sleep?
A: In Coffynz. But they suck in Cryptz.

It's a vampire story, all right. It all takes place in a fifteen-hour period. It starts with Times Square Tymez Skwair being chewed out by his mom for sleeping in 'til noon. She tells him that he has to get a job. He hooks up with his buddies, Fuzzy Down and Licorice Likrish. They see an attractive woman wearing a low-cut T-shirt that reads CRYPTZ. She touches Tymez on the cheek, but ignores them mostly otherwise.

At this point, we're almost to nine minutes, and we've had at least four (and probably more like seven) shots in gratuitous slow-motion. Which was, sadly, about the best special effect that the filmmakers had to offer.

Tymez calls up an acquaintance who's familiar with "the underground scene" to ask about CRYPTZ. This acquaintance (name of "Truck") tells him to have himself duct-taped to a bed all night.

So, later, after goofing around all day (including watching the movie Ragdoll, which is the other movie on the Cryptz DVD ... nice cross-promotion there Full Moon, except that when I got the one, I got the other for free), the moon comes up and Tymez finds himself in incredible pain, but the fury in his cheek subsides as he moves closer to CRYPTZ.

Long story short (I know, too late), CRYPTZ is where a bunch of hot female vampires (and their male familiars) live (and eat). It's also a strip club where they play with their food. Before being totally locked down, Tymez gives Truck a call, and Truck heads out for CRYPTZ.

No real explanation of how Truck finds the place (they make a big deal before about how it's impossible to find unless a vamp has marked you), but he does. He helps to rescue Likrish and Tymez Square, although Fuzzy Down is turned into a vamp and staked (possibly because his name was the least goofily-spelled) -- and a couple of Random Unnamed Guys are killed as well.

There is also a bit about how a tattoo on Tymez' chest is of great importance to the head vampire, and could grant her ultimate power. He got it based on a charm that his grandmother had. The head vampire cuts it off him, and he steals it back -- it's all pretty unexciting.

At the end, one she-vamp escapes. Truck offers Tymez a job as a vampire hunter, and Tymez sneaks into his bedroom through a window at 3 AM ... whereupon his mom chews him out. He goes to bed. End of film.

Yeah. At least it had a couple of good lines, and some moderately-decent clips.

Also, pretty much every establishing shot is the first scene of a chapter on the DVD. The only one which isn't is the first chapter, which starts at the opening credits. But the first shot of the film is a pointless establishing shot. There are slightly fewer establishing shots than chapters, though, so it looks like: "credits, building, building, building, stripper's ass grinding on a pole, building, building, Lickrish gets thrown in a separate room, building, building, building...."