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zarth arnonymous

E is for Escape From Galaxy 3

I don't even really know where to start with this one. I already touched on the cover in a previous entry, although to that I would like to add that the protagonists of Escape From Galaxy 3 do not wear outfits even remotely like those. Frankly, if there was a Worst Costuming award, I think this movie would take it. Hands down. Belle Star's outfit is missing a leg on one side and her top on the other ... although thankfully some passing starfish saw fit to save her from indecent exposure. Oraclon is wearing something that looks like an outer space harlequin costume, and his beard suffered a terrible glitter accident.

I loved how the cover and the title screen on the movie proclaimed it to be Escape From Galaxy 3, but on the physical videocassette it was Escape From Galaxy Three, because consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds. Right? Ryte? Riyut?

This film should only vaguely be considered a sequel to the classic Star Crash. It doesn't have any connection via story, characters, actors, director, etc. What it has is the same special effects. And I don't mean the same sort of special effects. Do you remember Zarth Arn's hand-shaped spaceship that closed up into a fist? Escape From Galaxy 3 does. Do you remember the zippy little starfighters that Marjoe & Co. blew up ("Fire the laser cannon, robot, fire!")? So does Escape From Galaxy 3. Frankly, I think they get a lot more usage out of Star Crash's space SFX than Star Crash did. Even the oscilloscope put in an appearance. About the only thing that didn't show up was The White City (with its glued-on Scotch-tape dispenser).

All this typing, and I haven't even gotten to the plot yet!

Belle (or possibly Bella) Star is a Princess. Her dad is a King of some sort. They are attacked by the dastardly Oraclon, King of the Night. Belle & Lithan (generic dude with perm) go out and attempt to get help. Oraclon destroys their home planet and kills the King. "Mission accomplished!" he exults, except ... someone spots the lone ship. They give chase.

The ship manages to get away, damaged, via a suitable Deus Ex Machina ("the Omega unit"). They find a planet to land on while they make repairs. This planet is full of strange backwards people who live in houses that look like giant Faberge eggs.

The people are frightened of these strangers at first ("You have no reason to be afraid," says their leader, "now go hide among the rocks"), but eventually they teach Belle & Lithan about the pleasures of life ("What's that?" "It's water. I saw it in my father's mineral collection"). Having discovered the joys of food, wine, and love will cause Belle & Lithan to forfeit their "galactic immortality," but apparently it's worth it.

We (the audience) discover that this primitive planet is a post-nuclear-holocaust Earth (and may I say, for the record, that post-apocalyptic Earth has some weirdass dance routines). Unfortunately, Oraclon shows up and attacks the primitive people of Earth ("You must leave!" says the leader. "Okay," says Belle. "We'll lead our enemies away." This argument does not sway the leader. "No! You must stay! To protect us from your enemies!").

They do get away, and manage to defeat Oraclon via a method so ingenious that it goes all the way around the bend to "incredibly stupid." I would describe it for you, but I don't really understand what was supposed to have happened. I guess water & food & wine & love gives you magic eyebeams, or something.

What do you expect when the film is written by John Thomas?

...and did I mention that Don Powell, the actor who played Oraclon, King of the Night, also composed all the music? I didn't? How could I have possibly not mentioned that?


I thought you were taking poetic liberties when you described the fortunately placed wayward starfish but no. That's...a really lucky PG landing spot. And also...yikes! I'd vote it in for worst costume. What the hell is Oraclon wearing, a modern art paper sculpture around his neck? The future Victorian collar? Wow.