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anonymous kph

J is for The Jackhammer Massacre

You voted, and I watched. But I have to tell you, The Jackhammer Massacre was painful. It contained a lot of things that I hate about Smithee movies. Gratuitous vomiting? Check. Drug abuse leading to both cheesy "on drugs" effects and bad body-puncturing effects? Hell yes. Volume levels that fluctuated wildly? Sob. It's true! It's all true!

Its sole redeeming features were the four clips that I wrenched (still beating!) from its bloodied carcass.

Jack (of course his name is Jack) is a business drone who gets together with an old friend from high school during his lunch hour one day. They both get wasted on this weird new kind of drug, and then the friend ODs. Jack calls the cops and runs.

It's a year later. Jack is working as a skeezy (skeevy + sleazy) drug-using security guard in a tool warehouse. He stiffs his drug dealer on a hit. The drug dealer threatens him. Jack calls his sister, and asks for money. Jack's sister's girlfriend (and no, we don't get a good lesbian scene out of this movie, what kind of movie do you think this is?) is opposed to giving Jack more money.

The drug dealer and a strongarm guy show up at the warehouse. They pump Jack full of what is supposed to be a lethal drug cocktail. They have no way of knowing that he's a ... um ... er ... we'll ignore that bit. Jack fails to die, and instead wakes up paranoid. Egged on by the ghost of his friend that OD'd (in the only cool effect in the entire movie!), Jack uses a handy nearby (electrical -- he has to haul around the orange extension cord) jackhammer to kill the drug dealer and the hired muscle.

Jack's sister shows up. Jack captures her and ties her up, locking her into a vault area. Jack's sister's girlfriend shows up. Jack kills her with his mighty jackhammer. The guy who owns the warehouse shows up to fire Jack (he's just sold the warehouse). Jack kills him with his mighty jackhammer. The guy who bought the warehouse and some associates show up. Jack kills them with his mighty jackhammer (this is the kind of movie this is).

The cleaning crew that the guy who bought the warehouse hired shows up. You get the idea.



...as I told you. Two consecutive movies with Crummy Endings have taken a bit of a toll on the whimsical nature of the experiment. Hopefully the "K" film will be more cheerful.

What could possibly go wrong?

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