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roller ninjas

So we watched this Antarctic Snake movie yesterday...

Called Boa (Subtitled: Of course they are going to have to kill off the Chechnyan because he's the only one who's making any sense in this movie. And he's hot) (Sub-subtitled: Antarctic Snakes? In Antarctica? For real? Did they even stop to think about that at all?) (Sub-sub-subtitled: Don't Boa constrictors usually, oh I don't know, constrict? And since when do they have barbed tails?) (Sub-sub-sub-subtitled: I'd say that maybe they got their "exothermic" and their "endothermic" mixed up but hell...the warm bloods are walking around the South Pole in the winter without any face protection and in just their camo pants and no ill effects befall them so whatevs)

Okay. So you have a movie idea that is...a little far fetched but not entirely unworkable. I mean, Antarctic snakes aren't the easiest movie premise to get to fly because 1. Antarctica is bitchin' cold in August and 2. Snakes to a species (if I am correct) are cold blooded creatures and get really sluggish when the temperature drops. Thus, unless you add some sort of other plot element, your movie's going to be really short. "Arrrgh! Giant snake! Oh wait, it's minus 67 degrees outside and we have to wear parkas indoors and the snake's gone into a cold stupor. Well allrighty then. Everybody back to work, mind the fangs."

So you add a little something warm like...maybe your Antarctic facility is nuclear powered and snuggly toasty. Or maybe some sort of sustaining reaction keeps the home fires burning, whatever. Point is, your giant snake needs warm in order to survive long enough to start nomming on your cast.

But no.

This giant snake movie has an 80 foot prehistoric snake (BTW - the other title for this flick is New Alcatraz which is a much better fit since this thing is in no way a Boa) that is drilled out of its snug hollow pure nitrogen filled rock cubby (and What??!? Why isn't it dead, yet preserved with that atmosphere? And hows-a-come if it isn't dead it doesn't show any ill effects going from a pure nitrogen atmosphere to 78% nitrogen/20% oxygen atmosphere?). Snake goes on a rampage eating everyone in this Antarctic prison facility that is having established heating problems. Thus they call in Doctor of Paleontology Dean Cain and his equally doctored paleontological wife to...err...be in the same place as the rest of the movie was being filmed.

Snake noms, everyone dies except the Chechnyan and Dean Cain but then lo! Dr. Wife shows up inexplicably un-nommed by said snake. Apparently she got away which really bummed us out. Neither Dr. Wife nor Dean Cain's character were people you would be really sad to see et by a giant snake. Dean Cain, of course, could have the honor of being snacked on after Dr. Wife being that Dean Cain is my Smithee movie boyfriend but nommed they both should have been. Preferably within the first 10 minutes of showing up but then the movie wouldn't have (not) starred Dean Cain. Personally, I was rooting for the Chechnyan to outlive them all.

And in the last flash of stupidity, they take off in the rescue plane but wait! The plane is unaccountably heavy! Like a giant 80 foot exotherm spryly sprung from its icy maximum security dungeon onto said plane. Oh! Noes! Snake! On! A! Plane!

We gleaned a decent alas (which had nothing directly to do with snake snacking) and a chucklicious One Liner and lastly, looking up the director/writer Phillip J. Roth gave us a whole pack more Smithee movies to add to the NetFlix queue.


Awww great. Now I have the cantina song stuck in my head but with hissing instead of doodle-de-dooing.

Sss-s sss-s sss-s sss-sss Sssss-s Sssss-s-Ssssss Ssssssssssssssssssss-sssssssssssssssssssss.