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anonymous kph

N is for Nude on the Moon

Nude on the Moon is paced like an art film. I do not mean this as a compliment. Although it does have at least redeeming-- What?

Oh. Yes. Well.

Mid-scene, my copy of Nude For Satan switched language tracks, from English to Italian. The rest of the film was in Italian. I shall have to rent a copy and watch it, later. For now, "N" is for Nude on the Moon.

This film was made for one reason, and one reason alone. It's an excuse to look at topless women. If you're currently a twelve-year-old boy, there's a small chance that you might love this film. If you're not currenly a twelve-year-old boy, then you're on your own....

Professor Such-and-So's Uncle Ted died and left him a small fortune. Enough so that his research team doesn't need to wait for the government to approve their grant. Now they can afford to build the rocket ship and fly off to the moon on their own! Professor Such-and-So (and his compatriot, Older Professor) do just that (after Prof. S&S's secretary confides to OP that she's in love with S&S, but S&S is always too absorbed in his work to notice. Le sigh).

The moon is occupied by nudists! Or, to be more accurate, semi-nudists. The scientists do their very important sciency stuff, which seems to primarily consist of (a) commenting how odd it is that these people can wander around naked on the moon, how they didn't expect the moon to be so green and lush (etc), and (b) taking pictures of the (semi-)nude women playing games, sunbathing, sharpening axes (!), and so on.

Professor S&S falls in love with the woman who is Queen of the Moon (or so we think ... the moon people have goofy deelie-bopper antennae and speak telepathically). OP tries to get him to engage in more "scientific" peepery (or at least to help pick up some of the gold that's lying around), but S&S can only moon (har har) over the Queen.

Finally they both run low on oxygen (being in bulky space suits this entire section of the movie), and head back for earth.

Only on their way home do they realize that they forgot the moon gold -- and the cameras! Now no one will believe them! How will they ever raise money for an expedition back to the moon to reunite Prof S&S with the Queen?

Perhaps never, since all the military and scientific people who examine their rocket conclude that not only didn't the two Profs go to the moon, but they couldn't get there. Alas! Tragedy! But then Prof S&S's secretary comes into the office to console him, and he suddenly imagines her naked, and realizes that she's a dead ringer for the Moon Queen. He transfers his love to his Secretary. Awww.....

The (Happy) End for them. The (Blessed!, and Not A Moment Too Soon) End for us.

But I will have to hunt down Nude for Satan. 30 seconds into the movie (well before the credit sequence), a naked woman runs through a darkened forest in slow-motion ... and across the shadow of the cameraman.


Oh, come ON! How the hell can you forget the camera and the moon gold?!?! Argh!!!!!