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Movies We're Watchin'

Q: When is a Python Not a Python?

A: When it’s a genetically tweaked multi-snake-species-enhanced 80 "129 foot all terrain vehicle capable of speeds exceeding fifty miles an hour, with skin that can deflect an anti-tank round, enhanced night vision, and voracious appetite for human flesh." Or maybe when it’s an Agent Orange mutated snake-chimera found in the deepest darkest depths of Guam. Whatever the explanation, it all boils down to the fact that this "Python" is a very big snake. It’s also a verying big snake rampaging on the loose near the small rural town of Ruby.

Enter just about everyone you've seen "From that one episode of…" or "Was that chick in…" or "The dude who…" There’s Robert Englund, the Mad Elm Street Teen Slasher creepy herpetologist; Casper Van Dien, A.K.A. Johnny Rico NSA leader of the snake strike squad; Chris Owens, son of The Cigarette Smoking Man a deceased plating factory owner; his brother Frayne Rosanoff, our hero and perhaps the most obscure actor on the roster; his friends intrepid ensign real estate agent Will Wheaton, screechy Dana Barron; chaste Sara Mornell and finally Deputy "Is a dick to The Karate Kid our hero" William Zabka.

Incidentally, we’ve seen Zabka more recently as Dean Cain’s buddy on the other end of the "counting with no logical order" vid phone in Dark Descent.

You can probably write this movie already with the above information. Dr. Freddy wants to recapture the snake FOR SCIENCE! Rico wants to kill the snake for FUN AND AWESOME AUTHORIZED USE OF MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF FIREPOWER and of course, both plans fail. This leaves the group of four 20 somethings to come up with a magic snake defeating plan (naturally). This they do (naturally) and it doesn’t work (naturally) until they come up with a bigger, better, more plot concluding plan of de-snakeification (but of COURSE). The end!

However, this is possibly one of the funnest Smithee movies I’ve watched in a while and I’d highly recommend it to any and all of you out there. We got a lot of good Smitheeage starting even before the opening credits and rolling right through to the last snake nomming. Score! We snagged an AAS for the pilot of the snake transport plane (Snake! On a Plane!) telling his buddy to go ahead and open the crate in back. The Top! Secret! clearly and repeatedly marked "Do Not Open" crate. Hokey Doke – YAAAAAAA!


Then there was Casper Van Dien’s accent which was half southron, half flaming and with an origin even more convoluted than the Python’s. We agreed that it was supposed to be from somewhere South of the Mason-Dixon Line. Probably. And also that it has always depended on the kindness of strangers…not to laugh at him. Throw in the world’s most anti-hot lesbian on lesbian action with humorous snake anecdote, two awesome alases (Jenny McCarthy getting her head cut off by the Python’s razor tipped tail and Will Wheaton gettin’ eaten as he disregards his screaming girlfriends warning about a big, big snake: "You got me out of bed for a snake??!?" NOM!) and this movie couldn’t get any more fun.

Lastly, I want to mention the utterly bizarre House Closing Deal scene wherein the top dog real estate agent is trying to sell Jenny McCarthy a mansion. She’s all over him like cockroaches in a student ghetto while he's listing the house's attributes. Oh the innuendos and it couldn't be more clear what Jenny is interested in if she suddenly stripped naked and rubbed herself with butter. Kenny the real estate agent is getting into it as well but it's really hard to tell if he’s all het up by Jenny or het up by the prospect of the sale. Maybe both? And to set the mood the backdrop music that’s playing is a kickin’ bossa nova tune by Damn! called Stinky, Stinky Ashtray. Ahhhh…?


As another side note, the whole soundtrack was pretty cool.

The extra added bonus to this whole snake and caboodle is that there’s a Python II out there somewhere…waiting.



I give this review a 10/10, would read and lol again.