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cake comes to frogtown 3

Went out to milk, and I didn't know how,

I milked the goat instead of the cow.
A monkey sittin' on a pile of straw,
A-winkin' at his mother-in-law.
Turkey in the straw, turkey in the hay,
Roll 'em up and twist 'em up a high tuckahaw
And twist 'em up a tune called Turkey in the Straw.

Did you know that the faster an ice cream truck goes the faster the tune is played? At least that was the case when I was wee and the ice cream dude finished his route but forgot to turn off the jingle jangle as he zipped out of the subdivision. Turkey in the Straw at 78rpm is hysterical. Sadly, I can count the number of times my mom actually let me get ice cream from the ice cream man on one hand (momma promotions ninja didn't cotton to delivered sweeties). And one of those times I wasted my money on an Astro-pop. Astro-pops kinda suck, really.

Astro-pop suckage aside, it seems a universal truth that little kids will flock to the ting-a-ling tones of the ice cream truck (ICE CREAM MAN!) which makes for a perfect creepy serial killer movie. Enter Mr. Ice Cream Man.

As a note, check out the credits or just keep reading because I'll outline what I'm talking about pretty soon anyway. Writer: Mack Hail and Jim Mills. Director: Mack Hail. Lead good guy: Jim Mills. Lead bad guy: Mack Hail. Executive producers: Mack Hail and Jim Mills. Yeeeeeeeah. One of those kind of movies. It also doesn't help that the movie looks extra happy SHARP! and DETAILED! and slightly fish eyed (which really isn't the look a shapely woman wants applied to her hinder as she walks away from the camera) from the get go.

Oddly, they didn't commit some of the basic newbie camera faux pas like we were expecting them to. No cameraman was ever caught reflected in a shiny surface despite the numerous chances that appeared for him to do so. They also did a decent job of filming in the dark so we could still see what was going on.

However, Jim Mills as our intrepid detective is an utterly atrocious actor. He kinda makes Anna Nicole Smith look like Katharine Hepburn.

The Ice Cream Man, on the other hand...was...weirdly mesmerizingly creepy. Can someone act so bad that they've flipped over into good? Or at least catchy? And what does it say that The (creepy homicidal child stalking) Ice Cream Man became our favorite character? The Good Humor Man gone totally, utterly wrong (or as badmovie quipped,"He's like the Pillsbury Doughboy of Evil").

This was not a great movie, and it wasn't an awesomely fun Smithee movie but it was amusing to watch. We got a textbook 'R' (awkwardly inserted boobie shot FTW!), a good 1 liner, a nice cover and a good oblivious when one of the kids being stalked in a swamp (...in Las Vegas?) backs into the waiting Ice Cream Man. Apparently, Deranged Good Humor Guy is the perfect camo for hiding out in a swamp full of ostrich feather cat tails. We didn't question why the kid was in a swamp (in Vegas) because we sat through five minutes of the poor kid running his heart out to get there. The least we could do is grant him his ignoble and watery death for having run away from civilization and help.

We also didn't mention that we think Las Vegas, where this movie was set and filmed, is primarily desert so where the kid ran to get to a swamp is still a bit of a mystery. Unless it was the swamp room of one of the casinos way, way off the strip. Details, details...

The most important thing we learned from this movie was that there is indeed a difference in taste between Tahitian vanilla flavored ice cream, Mexican vanilla flavored ice cream and Bourbon vanilla flavored ice cream.


That poor kid was, as someone said, the Forrest Gump of Las Vegas.

It was a great time, and the purple hued, orange haired Mr. Ice Cream Man was just awesome.