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Movies We're Watchin'

170 Feet of Chechnyan Python Just isn't as Fun

Python II came in the mail a couple days ago and we just sat down to watch it. So...When is a Python not a Python?

When it is TWO 85 foot genetically enhanced snakes running rampant in a Russian military instillation. Whoops, spoiler.

Well, OK I'm not exactly sure that the second snake (whoops, spoiler) was 85 feet because CIA agent Larson (the only returning member from Python the Singular...whoops, spoiler) was only aware of the one snake's existence until the very end but snake number two looked to be about the same size as 85 foot designated snake number one. I'm just going to run with it because assuming snake similarity enables me to get a more accurate 'footage of snake watched so far this year' number (589 feet of snake).

Speaking of snake number two nobody really explains how or why there even IS a snake number two. Did it arrive with snake number one in the magically morphing snake hibernation highway-cement-divider container deelie? Did the Russians have a snake number two all along? Did snake number one spontaneously mitose into two snakes? No spoiler there because they didn't really get into the origin myth of snake number two.

In fact, it wasn't really clear that snake number one wasn't the same 85 foot snake from Python the Singular (which they reworked into 129 feet in post production. Snake inflation!). Except for the part where Larson told everyone that they had killed it in a giant flashback explosion. Dear screen writers: Please use the proper verb tenses when referring to things dead versus things not dead which are similar but not the same as things dead. Maybe. Perhaps they resurrected the snake from Python the Singular in post production and snake one of Python II was indeed the very same snake. Minus 44 feet of post production snake.

Speaking of resurrection, if you watch Dragon Fighter (a movie "not starring" Dean Cain) you may notice a few similar set pieces. We saw the labs and cave system repurposed and that was about the most fun this movie had to offer. Sad but true, Python II didn’t have the fun stupid charm of Python the Singular although the python actually constricted someone (once. Whoops, spoiler). I do believe this is the first time we've seen a giant constrictor actually constrict a victim, which was kinda novel.

Fortunately snake nomming tends to lead to some good Alases, which we picked up, and any military instillation worth its salt has a few barrels of flammable gas lying about. Because, you know, you can't hunt a giant snake without someone toting a flamethrower. BOOM! I think my favorite part of the whole movie though was the CIA Deus Ex. Our heroes, stuck in a business deal gone wrong, are saved by Larson who breaks up the standoff, chastises the Russian black market crime boss and writes a check out on the spot for the full amount owed our heroes. Lady hero looks at Larson all agog and says "Who ARE you?" and in response Larson points to the check header. Hee!


Fuck France.

I have to say, I can die happy, now that I have read these two phrases:

"Snake inflation"
"Spontaneously mitose"

In the same review, no less.