Log in

No account? Create an account

MegaMeta3 Recap Backtrack to Stupidest Looking Monster

I have no idea what order I'm doing these categories in but the randomness is amusing me greatly. And also, they say a picture is worth a thousand words but I don't exactly have pictures. Words, on the other hand, I have plenty of. Plenty! So let's get on with the monsterin!

Roll call!

2002 Blood Freaks
2003 Horror of the Blood Monsters
2004 World without End's
2005 The Angry Red Planet
2006 Godzilla vs. Monster Zero

Blood Freaks' Herschell the Turkey-headed Freak is not so much stupid looking as he is the laziest damn monster concept I've ever seen on film. And...he's sort of stupid too, but lazy wins out by a landslide. You know how sometimes you can tell the entire budget of a movie is less than what you take home in a single paycheck just by the quality of their monsters? If that were the case here, you would have to be unemployed and unable to collect welfare. Seriously. The Turkey-headed freak is nothing more than a papier-mâché turkeyesque head mask (which looks a whole lot more like a really pissed off Sam the Eagle than some blood sucking turkey freak) stuck on an actor dressed all in black. That's it. I could make a better Turkey-headed freak with my coffee mug and a toilet paper roll.

Now Horror of the Blood Monsters steps up the monster budget because they've gone all out and hired not one, not two but many short little furry faced people, given them a bat suit and hoisted them up on strings for some monster action. Or maybe they glued fakey fake fur to the short little maybe not so furry faced people. Anyway, the effect is...ahhh...well, pretty much a short little furry faced person in a bat suit that flies around on a wire and menaces our heroes. They are also filmed in yellow because this movie is all about spectrum light. Or something. Hey! Notice the blood synergy happening between this movie and the last one?

Sadly, World Without End doesn't have papier-mâché, short furry faced bat costumed people or blood, but it takes place on Mars. Apparently, they grow spiders really, really big on Mars, like Springer Spaniel sized big. They also grow them out of foam rubber, which is painfully obvious when the spider "attacks" our heroes. You can almost here the cue to the grip holding the spider almost off camera to "Shove the spider down the chute" and lo, said spider comes flying down some fissure in the rock in all its wiggly foam rubbery goodness to "menace" our heroes. The only other thing funnier than watching someone fight off a free floating foam rubber spider monster is the poof of innards that come flying out of said monster when they shoot it. Yup. Foam Rubber.

Moving on, also on Mars (synergy!), Angry Red Planet gives us what we have been fondly referring to as the Bat Rat Spider Crab. Bat Rat Spider Crab is, as best as we can figure, a spider marionette which has had its head ripped off and replaced with a bitey looking bat head, its legs swapped out for some Alaskan King Crab legs and a long naked tail glued onto its posterior. And because he is on Mars, he is filmed in red (synergy!) AND polarized. I think the movie called it Mars-o-vision, we called it Migraine-o-vision.

Lastly, we bring you Godzilla vs. Monster Zero and the nominee is Godzilla himself. I try to be as impartial as I can with these reviews but I want to get something very clear up front: Godzilla isn't stupid, Godzilla is classic and all you Smitheeites who voted for him? You are dead to me. Come on...Godzilla! Well, OK that one part where he defeats Monster Zero and does the silliest of monster victory dances is pretty darned stupid. Who's your lizard daddy? That's right, in yo FACE Monster Zero. Oh yeah. That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. Uh-HUH babE!

So there you have it, only 590 words but I hope they were enough to bring the pictures of these monsters into your mind. Good luck with the voting!


Who's your lizard daddy?

*blink* *blink*

At least it wasn't the touchdown Godzilla. That would be worrisome.