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anonymous kph

O is for Octopus 2: River of Fear

When one title just isn't enough!

Octopus 2: River of Fear is the story of New York Harbor's intrepid Harbor Police, or as I like to call them ... the scuba cops! As the movie begins, there's a killer stalking the East River. The media have dubbed this killer the East River Killer.

The giant octopus attacks a drunk guy and his date. The only witness is a half-crazed homeless guy. Because this attack happened at the waterfront (go figure), our heroes (Older Scuba Cop Who Is One Week Away From Transferring To A Desk Job and his partner Young Hotshot Scuba Cop Who Will Probably Take Over Field Leadership Of The Scuba Cops) investigate.

The mayor of New York really wants the case solved quickly, because it's July 1, 2000, and there's a huge fireworks display planned for New York Harbor on Independence Day. He sends his assistant to bug the cops every chance she can get.

The half-crazed homeless guy turns out to be police informant. He claims the East River Killer is some kind of aquatic beastie. An aquatic beastie that only attacks at night? Our cops think it's ludicrous, until it attacks them, eating Old Short-Timer Cop. Now it's Young Hotshot Cop's turn to fail to convince the mayor that the East River Killer is a giant octopus, and he's pulled off the case by the police captain.

The octopus attacks Young Hotshot Cop and Mayor's Assistant, and eventually they convince the (Giuliani-esque) mayor to okay a covert anti-octopus operation. All they know about the octopus is that it feeds at night. It roars. It lives in the Hudson (or maybe the East) River. It's Canadian. They do a spectroscopic analysis of the harbor, and determine that it probably lairs somewhere there's a lot of Selenium. So they know where it might be going, but not necessarily where it is. This makes it Schrodinger's Octopus? Cousin to the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus, no doubt.

Despite the tenuous plot thread at this point, they manage to stalk the Canadian Nocturnal Roaring Octopus (Growloctopus Canadiensis nocturnem) to its lair, where they blow it up good during the big fireworks show.

Mayor's Assistant then takes a bunch of underprivileged foreign schoolchildren to a photo op in Brooklyn. But the octopus ... isn't dead yet! It attacks the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel from the outside, in an attempt to ... um ... even I can't come up with a sensible reason.

Just because. It just does.

This causes the tunnel to start flooding, and necessitates a Scuba Cop rescue!

Young Hotshot Scuba Cop helps to rescue the kids, Mayor's Assistant (who is now his girlfriend), the bus driver, an elderly woman, and her little yipyap dog (don't ask). Then they have to blow up the octopus again. But apparently the second time's the charm.

If so, it's the only "charm" involved in this movie.


Duh! It attacks the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel because it's Canadian and it hates us because we're free.

Damn Canucks.